May Change
by AngelLouize
Summary: CHAPTER 41 Can't Smile Without You... Yes, May Change is back! Abby does Luka a favour... Susan gets a suprise...And someone pulls out a ring... A SusanLukaAbbyCarter Story... Please, as always, Read and Review
1. Reaching Out

May Change

Chapter 1: Reaching Out

It had been months since Mark died - almost a year in fact and things were getting slowly back to normal, in the ER things have to move on. You lose people, lots of people, everyday, but you move on. You move on because you also save people, and saving life brings hope. Hope is all you have in the end. So I had moved on - starting to get over him as best I could. I hadn't forgotten but I guess you could say I was coping.  
  
Abby and Carter had moved on too. Since the Lockdown they had become inseparable. They were cute but it didn't stop me being alone. I was so lonely these days, more lonely than I could ever remember being in my whole life. I had few friends in Chicago and I missed Chloe and Susie. The weather got me down, continuous snow and temperatures on the wrong side of zero aren't all their cracked up to be.

Things in the ER had changed drastically since the first time I worked there and not all for the better. The unfamiliar, unfriendly faces still got me down. Kerry Weaver was as hostile as ever and now thanks to hormonal treatment she had terrible mood swings as well. Jing - Mei and I had never been close and she was all hooked up with Gregory Pratt anyway - that guy is so well suited to his name, so that left me pretty much alone. Except for Luka but we were hardly friends - in fact I couldn't even remember having a conversation with the guy before.  
  
The first time I noticed his change in behaviour was towards October / November time. Christmas was approaching, most of the ER were in love and everyone's spirit's were high - even Elizabeth's. Luka seemed to be in a permanent daze. He dated a string of women and I caught him in a compromising position more than once. He screwed up more and more as the days went on and seriously neglected his duties as a doctor. I was worried to say the least. I mean, I hardly knew the guy but even I noticed something wasn't right. Then the accident came. Him and Erin Harkins - the new Med. Student that he had been dating, were involved in a car crash. Everybody involved was okay but Erin sustained quite serious injuries and it emerged Luka hadn't exactly been driving the Viper at the correctspeed limit. I treated his injuries and I noticed a tear forming in his eye. He refused to talk about it - blocked me out. He wouldn't even let me treat him. He rushed of in a panic, practically running out of the ER. Abby wanted to chase him but she was called into a trauma and from the looks Carter was sending her way, I guessed he wasn't too happy about it and so I volunteered - I really had no idea what I was letting myself in for.  
  
"Luka," he was sitting down now, having finally run out of energy.

  
"Dr Lewis with all due respect I'd rather be left alone," Susan let out a sigh, taking a seat beside him.

  
"I think you need some help Luka, and it's Susan by the way."

  
"Look, Susan, please leave me alone?"

  
"At least let me look at your head, please?"

He sighed, seemingly giving in to her demand.

She took his head in her hands and strained to see in the poor light, "No good I can't see a thing."

  
"It's okay, really."

  
"It's bleeding again, please it will only take a minute, it looks like you'll need stitches."

  
"I can't go back to the hospital, not with them all there - looking at me." 

  
Tears once again began to form in Luka's eye and he wiped his face, hoping to push them away.

  
"Look, my place is just around the corner - we can walk, I have all the right stuff there," she smiled, hoping desperately he would agree.

  
"It's really not that bad..."

  
"It's this way."  
  
The clouds began to cover the ever - darkening sky as they approached Susan's apartment block. It had taken them minutes only, however the small space of time had seemed like hours to Susan. A single word had not been spoken yet there were a million things she had to ask. She climbed the stairs and he followed closely behind, never being more than two steps away from her. As she scrambled with her keys she could feel his breath on the back of her neck and his warmth surrounding her. She finally got the door opened and they both   
stepped inside.  
  
"One minute, I'll go get what I need- take a seat," Susan motioned towards the couch and went off in search of her first aid box, as Luka took a seat. He scanned the unfamiliar surrounding, taking note of the pictures along her windowsill. He stood and walked over to them, to get a better view. He noticed there were various different photos, some of a young girl, she looked 4 or 5 in the photo, there were also photos of an older woman who looked very like Susan, he guessed it was her sister or perhaps a cousin. The other photos were of members of the ER, Carter and Mark smiling at the camera, Luka noticed the cast on Carter's leg. One of Carol beaming at the camera, accompanied by a good - looking young man he presumed to be Doug. There was one of a whole group of doctors he didn't really recognise. The last photo was larger than the rest. It was in the middle in a black wooden frame. It was Mark and Susan, and looked to have been taken some time ago. They were in   
lab. coats, outside the ER. They were wrapped up together and Luka noticed how happy they both seemed to be.  
  
Just then Susan entered the room again, she noticed Luka staring at the photos and walked over beside him. She put her hand on his shoulder and he turned to face her, smiling.

  
"Jeez, that was a long time ago," she pointed at the photo of her and Mark.

  
"You knew him for a long time?"

  
"Yeah, a long time..." Luka noticed her change in mood and the tear forming in her eye. He leaned closer to her and touched her arm gently with his hand, she brushed him away quickly and proceeded towards the sofa. "Right, lets get this over with..."  
  
Susan smiled as she finally moved away from Luka's head. He softly touched the bandaging with the fingertips of his right hand before smiling also.

  
"Thank you, you really didn't have to do that."

  
"It's okay, do you want something to drink - a coffee?"

  
"A coffee would be great," Susan headed towards the kitchen, returning a few minuets later clutching a mug in each hand, Luka took one and thanked her, moving up along the sofa so she had room to sit down. 

Susan sat next to him and took a sip of her coffee. She waited for a moment, took a deep breath and asked the question she had been waiting almost an hour to ask.

  
"What happened?" She rushed it and it came out rather more loudly than she had anticipated. He sighed and she felt her cheeks heat up slightly.

  
"I don't know."

  
"It's okay - you don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry - I shouldn't have asked."

  
"No-no, it's okay. It's just -" he paused for a moment, lost in thought, "It's just I really don't remember... I remember getting into the car. Erin and me have been um, dating, for a while now. She had just finished her shift, so had I, and we were heading back to my place. I remember getting into the car, she was laughing, over something, something stupid, my hair, or, or something like that. I was annoyed, agitated, I was looking for the right moment to break things off to be honest. We got into the car, I was tired, it had been a long day. And we got in and I began to drive, she put up the music, this terrible, hip - hop stuff, it was so loud, I had a headache. Then she started speaking about something, jabbering on and on and I was losing concentration. I remember speeding up. I was getting fast, faster than I think I knew. She started saying something, she was scared, I think scared, she was telling me to slow down and then, then this car, it, it came out of no where. I didn't see it Susan, I didn't see it..." Luka began to sob, his tears coming thick and fast down the side of his face. Susan took his head in her hands and stroked his hair, smoothing it down gently. 

  
"You don't have to tell me, I believe you..." he sat up straight, pulling away from her embrace. Gaining his composure once again he started to speak.

  
"Then, then I remember getting out. Out of the car, going to the other car. The boy was screaming, his dad was asleep he was saying. His dad was asleep and he couldn't wake him up and I went to help him. I got him out and I don't remember the rest, it was a blur a daze, I just remember you being there, and touching my head and asking me if I was okay, and Kerry, Kerry was there, saying Erin was okay, she was okay. The little boy was okay too and so was his dad, his daddy woke up..."

  
"Luka, its okay, really its okay." She held him close again and there they sat, completely still, completely silent, for hours, which seemed like minutes.


	2. October Sky

Chapter 2: October Sky

Work seemed to become once again normal quickly and almost immediately Luka's accident was forgotten. There were whispers for a few weeks after but eventually people came to except that Luka had really done no harm. The threat of prosecution was always there but after the other driver calmed down, realized his son was fine and remembered he wasn't exactly driving safely either, he had decided not to press charges. Luka gave a major sigh of relief to say the least. 

Over the weeks we hardly saw each other, it was like that one night of friendship had been forgotten on his part almost completely. Now and again he would flash me a small smile or a cheeky wink but there was certainly no deep and meaningful. He had begun to sleep around again according to my various sources of hospital gossip and to me he didn't seem happy. But then again it wasn't exactly any of my business, as Abby warned me on several occasions. I didn't now what had gone on between those two but it sure didn't seem pretty…

So I got on with my life, still lonely for the most part, but I threw myself into work, working more shifts and harder than every before. I got praise from various sources, Romano and Weaver included, but I still couldn't help feeling like I wanted more. I saw Abby and Carter every day, very much happy and very much in love. And I guess I was jealous, green with envy in fact. I wanted what they had, perhaps not the relationship but the friendship, the closeness. I wanted to be close to someone, be able to tell them everything, be able to rely on them.

That Thursday was like every other Thursday. I had returned home after a hard day in the ER. It had been extremely busy and for once I was grateful for having the next day off- I needed to catch up on my sleep after all. 

Suddenly the buzzer went, I wrapped up my wet hair in a towel and covered my body with a large dressing gown. I pressed the intercom and waited for a voice to come out.

"Susan, It's Luka." I wondered why he was here, why he was knocking on my door, why now, why so suddenly? Then I realized I had been stood still for almost two minutes, without replying to him.

"Hey, uh come on up" I pressed the button and allowed him to enter the apartment block. I thought for a minute, desperately wondering why he was here, exploring every possible situation with my mind.

Finally he reached the door and slowly he knocked, waiting for a reply. He sighed heavily as Susan opened the door and let out the biggest smile he could muster as she greeted him with a puzzled expression, he began to wonder if this had been the right choice. 

Luka was in turmoil. He had worked until 6 o'clock that evening and let shortly after. He was in a surprisingly good mood, he was seeing an attractive young blonde the following evening and he was looking forward to it. Work had been surprisingly easy that day and the gossip seemed to have finally died down. Thankfully Abby hadn't been working and although Dr. Carter was on, he had seemed to avoid Luka all day. 

Shortly after leaving the hospital he had gotten a call from Abby. Surprised to see her number flash on his screen, he answered the phone. She spoke quickly and nervously but they agreed to meet at Doc's.

He had arrived to find her already there and took a seat next to her. He had noticed how tired she had looked, yet still strikingly beautiful. She was swishing her coffee around in the mug, not quite able to face him. He asked her what was wrong and she insisted there was noting. Luka had leant forward and smiled, trying to reassure her. Finally he took her hands in his, cupping his distinctively larger fingers around hers. That's when he noticed. 

The rock was huge and cold against Luka's skin, he had felt it immediately. He dropped Abby's hands from his own and looked at her briefly before running out at a great pace. Her face had been sorry, guilty, sad… full of regret. He hadn't been able to face her. She had really done it this time, finally broken his heart. Her and Carter were finally together, forever. Luka suddenly realized why Carter had avoided him today. She had asked him; told him, told him she needed time. Time to convince Luka that it was what she wanted, time to convince Luka he could get over her. He couldn't. 

And so here he was, he had ran to the only person he could think of. Susan had helped him last time- why not this time? He liked her, really liked her. She was the first woman he hadn't, well, hadn't just wanted sex from, since Abby at least. She gave him friendship and kindness and she listened- really listened. Sure he was attracted to her- who wouldn't be? She was pretty, sexy even, intelligent and funny and kind and she cared and she well she was a good friend- his only chance of a friend right now…

Luka sat on Susan's sofa as she went to get them coffee. He once again remembered the first time he was here, the same photos, the same books the same smell… It was nice, cosy, and familiar. In fact he really liked Susan's apartment. He wished his own were more like it. But he lived in a tiny, cramped and cold apartment. It was 'funky' as Abby had put it but everything reminded him of her.

"A penny for them"

"Huh?" Luka screwed up his face in confusion as Susan laughed.

"Your thoughts" she laughed again realizing he had probably never head the expression in his life, "don't worry, it' an American thing."

"Oh right, look Susan, I'm sorry about all this"

"It's okay, but if you don't mind me asking- why are you here?" she blushed realising she had been brutally blunt, "Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. It's just, I wondered why you have suddenly turned up on my doorstep?" He smiled, and then sighed.

"Abby" Susan smiled and let out a gentle 'ah', suddenly it all made sense to her.

"Right, and Carter?"

"You got it." Luka paused, "They got engaged"

"Wow- they did?" Luka noted how shocked Susan was; apparently he wasn't the last person in the ER to know.

"Yeah- you didn't know?"

"No- is it common knowledge then?"

"Uh- I'm not sure, Abby told me, well she tried to. I saw the ring before she had chance"

"Jeez- it's that big!" Luka laughed for the first time in weeks, he was beginning to like Susan more and more.

"Yeah- it's that big. I'm pretty sure the Carter family trust fund took a bit of a knock the day h bought that"

"I sure hope so" Luka smiled, but it soon faded as he began to wonder what exactly Susan's comment had meant. Was she simply trying to make him feel better or was there more too it? After all her and Carter had been together for a while and from what he had heard their break-up had been down to Abby.

"Do you still have feelings for Carter?"

"No, no- definitely not" She picked up her mug from the table and took a sip, "It's just, it's strange, I don't like Carter but I can't help being…"

"Jealous?" She nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, what about you and Abby?" He leaned back in his chair, searching for the right words.

"I don't know. Some days I'm madly in love with her, others I'm, well, not. I don't if it's because she's with Carter and I can't have her or because… because I actually love her."

The two sat in silence for a minute or two, thinking over what they had just said, trying to make sense of it all. Luka sighed heavily and leaned down further into the sofa.

"You know this is a REALLY uncomfortable sofa, Susan"

"Hey don't diss my sofa, if it's that bad why are you sitting on it!?"

"Well fine, I won't sit on it then." Luka moved to the floor and stretched out, grinning broadly as he did so.

"You're such a drama queen. It Isn't THAT bad. Anyway I've had it a long time, it has…memories."

"Sometimes you have to let go of the past."

"Did you do it? I mean after…"

"Dajela? Yeah I did that, I hung on to things for years until they stopped working and even then, I still held on. Eventually I had to let go, get rid of it all. Make a clean start." Susan nodded slightly.

"Well maybe I'll get a new sofa then, for my new life?"

"Why the question?"

"Well really, is my life so new? It's exactly what I was doing ten years ago, except I'm lonelier now…"

"You're lonely?"

"Yeah…" Luka sat up and entwined his fingers with hers, trying desperately to provide her with some kind of support.

"Me too."


	3. You Can't Always Have What You Want

Chapter 3: You Can't Always Have What You Want  
  
Luka awoke to the sound of Susan clattering around in the kitchen. He rubbed his sleepy eyes and stretched out, letting his back click. He let out a gentle sigh of pleasure before searching the room for the   
disguarded dressing gown Susan had given him the night before. He finally spotted it and climbed out of her bed, picking it up and wrapping it around himself. He smiled at his reflection in the mirror and let out a small laugh as he entered the kitchen.  
  
She was cooking bacon in a pan and smiled as she saw him. He padded over to her and leaned over her shoulder, to inspect her cooking ability further.  
Wow, you'd make a great housewife She let out a laugh.  
Somehow I really don't think so She motioned to the mess and general state of chaos the apartment was in before continuing, Anyway how was the bed?  
Don't you think I should be asking how the sofa was?  
Yeah, you should.  
You could have had the bed, I should have taken the sofa  
No, it's fine- honestly. And I needed to test it. It seems you were correct- I need a new sofa!  
Ah- I told you so, you want any help finding one? Susan turned to face him and smiled, nodding in agreement.  
  
  
Luka opened the door and went inside, turning briefly to make sure Susan was still behind him. He smiled at her and proceeded to lead the way into his apartment. He laughed as she cracked a joke and turned to face her, walking backwards into the living room. She was smiling until they reached the room, where her face changed expression drastically.   
Uh, Luka- She motioned towards the sofa and he spun quickly on his heels, there in front of him sat Abby, forcing a smile.  
Hey Luka. His heart missed a beat and the room began to spin- why was she here? What did she want? Why now why so late?  
He felt Susan's warm hand on his arm, I better go  
Oh wait- don't go on my account, I'll go, it looks like a bad time anyway Abby blushed slightly as Susan headed towards the door.  
No really Abby, you stay, you guys have, uh, stuff, to deal with. Bye Luka, thanks for last night. I had fun. Luka wanted to hold onto her so dearly right then, make her stay and tell Abby to go. But he was frozen to the spot, unable to say a word and before he knew she was out the door and out of his life.  
  
He looked towards Abby. She was sour faced and pouting. Last night, ah, she was jealous. She thought that Luka and Susan had slept together, that they were together and she was jealous.   
  
What did you do last night?  
I stayed over her place Luka noticed Abby's suddenly raised eyebrows and smirked.  
You did?  
Yeah I did, how was your evening? Did you see Carter? When's the wedding? Abby stood up and reached out a hand to touch Luka with. She stroked his skin softy, touching him gently.  
  
He paused, realising how angry his voice sounded, We didn't sleep together Abby, if that's what you're worried about. Were friends, I was upset so I went over to hers. It got late and she said I should just stay and go home in the morning- so I did  
Why was she here? He sighed heavily, flopping onto the sofa.  
We were about to go shopping  
Abby let out a girlish laugh, Isn't that kind of- girly?  
For a sofa.  
What's wrong with this sofa, I like this sofa  
For her. Abby's face dropped.  
For her?  
Yeah, is that a problem? Abby's face dropped again and she also sat, flopping gently down.  
No, no- of course not, I just didn't realise you two were such great friends.  
Yeah well. Lately we've been getting quite close. He paused. Actually Abby, I think you had better go. Carter will be wondering where you are-  
He's working, all day Abby leant closer towards Luka, touching his face gently.  
No Abby He pulled away, getting to his feet.   
  
Go Abby, just go She got up reluctantly and headed for the door, Luka followed her. He stood and waited as she pulled it open.  
Me and Carter, we'll never have what me and you had.  
Abby, you and Carter have everything we didn't. He pushed a strand of stray blonde hair away from her face, sweeping it behind her ear. You love him. Don't throw this thing away over what-if's.  
Thank you. She headed out of the apartment and into the corridor, turning just before Luka closed their door to speak. I really did love you.  
I know. And with that she left. Luka waited until he heard the faint closing of the outside door before he slammed his own. He waited a few minutes, leaning against the back of the door for support before getting up in search of the phone.


	4. Careless Whispers

Chapter 4: Careless Whispers  
  
Susan sat alone in the bar, waiting for her order of a bacardi and coke to show up. She smiled at the young bartender as he passed her the drink. She began to scrabble with her purse but he shook his head. She thanked him and took a sip of it.  
  
Her mind wondered back to Luka and Abby, something nasty most definitely went on there. She wasn't sure what Abby's feelings were but Luka's were blindingly obvious. He loved her still. She sighed and took another sip of her drink.  
  
Suddenly her cell phone began to ring. She flipped it open.  
  
  
  
***********************  
  
Luka took another gulp of his beer before once again trying Susan's home number. Again there was no reply. He hung up as the answer phone kicked in for the fifteenth time that day.   
  
He leaned back on his sofa and closed his eyes, hoping that somehow when he opened them again he would be somewhere else. Somewhere in a parallel universe where he was someone else. Where Abby didn't exist and where he was not alone. Somewhere he could see his children growing into adults. A place where he could spend hours and hours strolling around parks and sitting in cafes with his wife who he loved so dearly. A place without death, without suffering and without loss.   
  
He cursed under his breath in croatian as he once again opened his eyes to discover he was still sat on his hideous sofa, in his empty apartment and that he was still all alone.  
  
Suddenly his cell phone began to ring. He glanced at the screen. It was a number he didn't recognise. For a moment he considered not picking it up, not wanting to speak to any member of the outside world and instead once again close his eyes and return to his dreams.  
  
  
  
******************  
  
Dr Susan Lewis sits alone! Susan watched as Abby entered the bar, swaying slightly from side to side, unsteady on her feet. She lunged towards Susan and took a seat next to her. She signalled at the bartender immediately, ordering a vodka, straight up. Susan laughed.  
I don't think so  
Oh, and since when did you become so high and mighty all of a sudden?  
Since I found out you were an alcoholic Susan whispered this sentence and Abby let out a snort.   
Get it right Susan, I AM an alcoholic. A drunk. Abby spoke loudly, throwing her hands up in the air as she spoke. Susan raised her eyebrows slightly, It's ok, I don't CARE who knows!  
Come on Abby, let's go  
  
To a meeting Abby let out a loud laugh.  
To a meeting!? I'm suprised you even know what a meeting is Susan, don't tell me you were an alcoholic!?  
No I wasn't  
Ah I didn't think so. Not the perfect Dr Lewis, with her perfect hair and her perfect face and her perfect job. You would never stoop to such a level huh? Susan looked down at the floor, becoming more agitated as Abby rambled on.  
Abby, if this is jealousy then it's pathetic  
abby let out a loud cackle. What would I be jealous of?  
Look, nothing happened between me and Luka. Abby once again laughed, louder this time.  
LUKA! you think this is about _Luka?_  
What else is it about?  
It's about how you think you are better than me. She paused briefly to finish off her vodka, How you think that just because you are a doctor and I'm a nurse you're better than me. Well you're not okay, you are not better than me. You could never be what I am.  
And thank god for that With that Susan turned on her heels and headed for the door, stopping only briefly to give the bartender a $20 dollar bill and her apologises.   
  
As she pushed the door open and reached the street she could still hear Abby shouting drunken abuse. However she continued to walk, head held high until she reached her apartment, where she burst into tears.  
  
**********************  
  
He took my shaking body into his strong arms, holding me close to his chest. I felt his heartbeat as I sobbed. It pounded against his chest, he must have ran from where ever he had been. He stroked my hair as I rambled on about what had happened. I made no sense at all, I realised that but at that moment in time I didn't care. All I wanted was him, holding me, comforting me, loving me...  
  
He spoke in a low tone,mumbling in Croatian. I didn't understand what he was telling me but somehow it comforted me, the words were smooth and silky and they slid over each other perfectly, each fitting the next like a piece of a jigsaw.   
  
Slowly my tears dried up and my heart rate got back to normal. I let out a gentle sigh of relief as he loosened his arms and moved his hands to my face. He stroked my skin gently, smoothing back the hair from my face and wiping away the traces of water from my tears.  
  
Are you okay? His voice soothed my throbbing head and I nodded, You have the keys? I nodded again, handing them to him. He smiled and fitted the first one into the lock, opening my apartment door.  
What about Abby? My voice was small and quiet. He shook his head.  
Forget about her, she's Carter's problem now, come on, let's go up  
He took my hand and lead me inside.  
  
************


	5. It Doesn't Matter What You Say

Hey guys, thank you so much for reading this fic. I realise the last few chapters have been a little shorter than most of you probably would have liked and this one is much the same, however I've got chapter 6 almost sorted so that will be up hopefully in the next few hours, if it's not already up when you are reading this! Once again thank you for all the support, keeping reading and reviewing :)  
  
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Chapter 5: It Doesn't Matter What You Say  
  
Carter paced the hospital, not knowing which way to turn. He had received a call about an hour ago from county, at first he had presumed it was work, someone had called in sick and the ER needed him but it wasn't- it was worse.  
  
He couldn't believe she had done it again. After the hundreds of times they had talked, the millions of meetings they had attended together, the engagement ring he had just placed on her finger...  
  
None of it seemed to matter to Abby, nothing at all. Carter had been through hell and back the last few years. The stabbing, the drugs, the drinking... He thought she finally understood, he had finally found someone who understood him, who wanted him- just the way he was.  
  
But she didn't understand, no-one understood. She was drunk, very drunk, dangerously drunk. Before he had blamed Luka, then he blamed Susan but this time there was only one person to blame for Abby drinking- himself.   
  
He smiled half heartedly as Kerry came towards him. She smiled also and handed him Abby's chart.  
  
We pumped her stomach. Kerry paused to place a hand on Carter's shoulder, she's okay but she drank an awful lot. I think you might want to, to get her some help. Carter became to shake as the tears began to flow freely down his face. Kerry patted his back gently, trying to reassure him, I can arrange it if you want He shook his head.  
  
No, no- I can do that  
  
Susan smiled as Luka brought her a cup of coffee. He sat beside her, wrapping one arm around her shivering body and using the other to touch her forehead.  
  
You're burning up  
  
I'm sorry about this, I didn't know who else to call  
  
It's okay, I'm glad you called me. He smiled, stroking the head away from her face before getting up, Do you have any blankets?  
  
Um yeah, in my bedroom, in the wardrobe.  
  
Luka headed to her bedroom and scanned the room for a wardrobe. It was in the far corner, a pale wooden colour. He opened in slowly, feeling slightly uncomfortable about going through Susan's clothes. He found the blankets easily and took two from the pile before heading back to where Susan lay. She was already asleep, curled up into a ball. He threw the blanket over her and hauled her feet onto the sofa so she would be more comfortable before heading to her bathroom.  
  
He found a thermometer quickly and took her temperature, almost 100. She was burning up. He sighed, pulling another blanket over her and heading off in search of the phone.  
  
****************  
  
Abby awoke, putting a hand to her throbbing head and giving out a gentle yelp of pain. She opened her eyes slowly, squinting as the bright light entered them. She rubbed away the sleep before scanning her surroundings.   
  
She rubbed her head in confusion, not being able to place where she was. The last 24 hours were a blur of colours, sounds and lights. She took a closer look around and let out a loud groan as she realised where she was. Suddenly the door creaked open and she heard a voice.  
What are you trying to do- kill yourself?  
  
*****************


	6. Saint Luka of Chicago

Chapter 6: Saint Luka of Chicago  
  
Carter kicked a huge pile of snow outside Susan's door, waiting for her to answer. Finally her voice came through the buzzer.  
Come up He noticed how terrible she sounded and wondered if this was the best idea. He shook himself and pushed open the door.  
  
*****************  
  
  
Oh look who it is, St. Luka Abby smiled bitterly as Luka entered the room, turning briefly to shut the door behind him.  
  
Go to hell Abby She snorted.  
  
Good one!  
  
Look, I don't need your petty sarcasm right now. He sighed heavily, sitting down on the chair beside Abby's bed. I'm only here to make Susan feel better.  
  
What happened?' Abby was somber now, speaking quietly and quickly, holding her head low.  
She tried to help you and you basically told her to go fuck herself  
  
  
  
You don't have many friends left Abby, don't try to alienate them all  
  
Is she okay? he shook his head, bringing hand to his face and rubbing his temple.  
  
She's ill, she's burning up. I didn't want to leave her but she insisted. She feels bad for leaving you. Abby leaned out and touched Luka's arm, he snapped away, not letting her touch him.  
  
I'm sorry Luka  
  
It's not me you should be apologising too.  
  
Where's Carter?  
  
I don't know  
  
You like her don't you?  
  
  
  
Luka nodded. Good, I like her too, she's nice Luka flinched at Abby's jealously, once again becoming unsure of what she wanted.  
  
Were not together Abby were friends.  
  
But you like her.  
  
Yes I like her. She's a good friend. He paused, Look, I better go.  
  
Do you have to?  
  
I'm going to see if Susan's okay. Abby let out a small ah' of understanding.   
  
Tell her I'm sorry. He nodded Because I am Luka, I am sorry.   
  
Carter sat on the sofa and waited as Susan brought him a coffee. She handed it to him and then let out a sneeze. He smiled and looked up at her, raising his hand to take her temperature. She shuddered at the touch of his cold hand on her hot skin.  
  
Wow Susan, you're burning up.  
  
Suddenly the buzzer went again.  
  
I better get that.  
  
Don't move, I'll go  
  
  
  
****************  
  
Three minutes later and Luka was inside Susan apartment. She looked terrible. He wondered why Carter was here and a part of him was almost jealous. After all Carter had Abby. Why did he need Susan as well? He chided himself. He was being crazy. Susan wasn't his, after all they were only friends. And Carter and Susan had been friends for years.  
  
Susan smiled at him from her resting place on the sofa. His heart sank at the sight of her shivering body and he half ran towards the sofa. He sat beside her, gathering her up in his arms.  
  
You need to go to bed, now  
  
How is Abby?   
  
She's fine, feeling a bit rough but fine Susan nodded.  
  
Is she mad at me?  
  
No honey, she's not mad at you. You did nothing wrong. He stroked her head gently, once again feeling her burning forehead.  
  
I shouldn't have left her, she was drunk.  
  
I can't believe she did it. Both Susan and Luka looked over towards Carter, who had now sat down on the opposite sofa.  
  
Get out while you still can Carter, she's not worth the effort.  
  
I love her Luka. I can't abandon her.  
  
She's drinking again Carter Luka sighed, She'll break your heart.  
  
I didn't think she would do it, not again  
  
I'm sorry. Carter turned to face Susan.  
  
It's okay, It's not your fault.  
  
She was drunk. I should have stayed with her. I could have stopped her drinking any more. It's just, I couldn't listen to her say those things. She was, she was so horrible. Luka stroked her hair, and wrapped his arms tighter around her body as she began to cry.  
  
Look Susan I'm so sorry you had to get involved, Abby shouldn't have dragged you into all this. He paused. To be honest I'm not sure why she did.  
  
She thinks me and Luka are together. Carter placed his head in his hands,   
  
Oh god Carter, I'm so sorry. He shook his head.  
  
It's okay. I better get going. I'll leave you guys in peace. Sorry about Abby. He got up, briefly kissing Susan on the forehead, Get some rest- doctors orders. She smiled, waving him off.  
  
Luka waited until he heard the slam of the door before he gave a loud sigh of relief.   
  
I thought he would never go. Susan coughed loudly. Let's get you to bed.  
  
Susan began to protest but Luka ignored her, picking her up into his arms and carrying her to her bedroom, he placed her on the bed, before pulling the large duvet over her still shivering body. She smiled as he planted a small kiss on her cheek and stroked her hair. He turned towards the door.  
  
Susan called out in a small and weak voice. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to continue, 


	7. Some Actions Speak Louder than Words

Hey guys! Once again thank you for all the reviews, there are so many now! I can't believe were on chapter 7 already! Its so strange. It's short- once again, but I kinda like the note it ends on so I chopped the rest off and used it to begin chapter 8. These new few chapters are being written faster than I can upload them and I have to say they are becoming my favourites! MaggieMay- you always say something negative but you seem to still be reading and I've come to enjoy reading your witty' comments. They are quite humorous. Secretly I think you're a carsan, it explains why you hate carby and luby so much and your last review mentioned them as a couple... how, cute?  
  
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Chapter 7: Some Actions are Stronger Than Words  
  
Boom. The look on his face hit me hard as he walked in. I can't describe it, it was more powerful that any words could explain. There was anger, plenty of anger, but there was also a kind of sadness, as if I had let him down. Well I guess I had.  
  
He looked so disappointed in me I couldn't help the tears from falling down my cheek. His expression didn't change even as I began to cry. He just stood staring. I waited for him to speak, but he didn't. I waited for him to move, but he didn't. I waited for him to soften, but he stayed as hard as ever. He never flinched, never gave me any sign of emotion, I was beginning to wonder if he was feeling anything at all.  
  
I shuddered, not quite able to speak. I waited for him a little longer, every passing second wanting to speak more and more. But I couldn't, I shouldn't, this was his time. I had screwed him over, there was nothing I could say.  
  
Finally he moved towards the bed slightly. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and I could have sworn his hands were shaking. He was scared, or maybe nervous or maybe just mind numbingly angry.  
  
You still love him?  
  
Carter meant it as a question I'm sure but it came out as a statement. I wondered if I did. Carter meant the world to me, he was my everything... but something just didn't click. I loved him but he just, he just wasn't Luka.  
  
I love you.  
  
Do you still love him?  
  
I looked up to see Carter leaving the room. I tried so hard, so very hard to keep the tears inside me but they couldn't be held back. Suddenly like a waterfall they gushed down the side of my face, streaming down across my cheekbones and cascading off my jaw. I took my head in my hands and sobbed, harder than I ever had before.  
  
***********  
  
Luka peeled off his t-shirt and threw it to he floor, he wiped the sweat from his forehead before removing his trousers. Susan moved closer to him in her sleep. He wrapped his arm around her waist and over her back, allowing her to turn fully onto him.   
  
She was still hot as hell but her body continued to shiver. He wrapped his other arm around her body too, hugging her gently. He watched as her head gently bobbed up and down on his chest as he breathed in and out again. Her hair was spread unevenly across it, a mass of blonde waves. He touched it gently, pushing it out of her face once again.  
  
Susan sighed gently in her sleep and he wondered what she was dreaming about, her body moved restlessly, trying to find a comfortable resting place. Finally she settled, leaving her her bobbing up and down on his chest once again.  
  
He sighed as he hand came to rest by her face, upon his chest. He entwined his own fingers with hers, noting the softness of her skin against his. He sighed again, not remembering a time when he had been this happy, or this worried about another person before. He couldn't be sure but as he gently kissed Susan's sleeping form and began to drift into sleep if maybe, just maybe he was falling in love with her.  
  
******************


	8. Are You Staying?

Thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing, here is the next chapter. Only maggiemay is posting negative comments, cheesy is good! Mrs Eyre I think you have given me the biggest compliment of all time in telling me that I write Abby well, Abby is the character I would say I write the worst! I don't have a particularly great understanding of Abby's character and don't really know how I should write her, thank you so much! Anyway on with chapter 8... I hope you enjoy it. Sorry- no Carter and Abby but they come next chapter- I promise!  
  
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Chapter 8: Are You Staying?  
  
Luka awoke as Susan began to move. He glanced over at the clock. The green display shone 3.45am into his eyes and he turned back to face the darkness. He was greeted by Susan's open eyes, staring at him. He smiled and stroked her face.  
  
She smiled at him, wrapping her arms around his waist, trying to warm her already boiling hot body. He frowned at her, moving a hand back up to her face. You're too hot Susan, I'm worried  
  
It's okay, Luka, I'm okay He shook his head.  
  
What if it's something serious? He paused, lowering his hands to her waist. I think we should go to the hospital. She let out a giggle and he frowned again, deeper this time,   
  
Luka, I have the flu. I'm not going to die. I really don't need to go to the hospital. He wrapped his arms around her waist holding her body close to his own. He pressed his lips against the hot skin on her forehead.  
  
Sleep, okay? He looked into her eyes, urging her to drift back into her dreams. Her smile faded as she entwined her fingers with his once again.  
  
Are you staying here? He nodded and she smiled once again, leaning up to gently kiss him on the cheek before resting her head against his chest and closing her eyes.  
  
**********************  
  
Susan groaned as Luka slid out from underneath her, trying as best he could not to wake her. Too late. She opened her eyes, gazing at his almost naked body- when had that happened? She smiled as he stroked her face, gently prising her fingers open to allow him to move.  
  
Go back to sleep.  
  
Luka wrapped the dressing gown around himself as he went over to the kitchen. He raided the cupboards, searching for some kind of medicine. Finally he found some kind of medical drink for sore throats and some cough sweets, better than nothing he decided, flicking on the kettle effortlessly.  
  
He watched as Susan came out of her bed, hair everywhere and coughing violently. He frowned in a concerned manner as she coughed again, rubbing her head.  
  
Hey- I said stay in bed.  
  
I'm better Susan sneezed before coughing once again. Luka laughed.  
  
Yeah, you look it.  
  
I ammmmm Susan wailed, coming over to see what he was making. She stared at him strangely for a moment, Luka, why are you half naked?  
  
That bed was really hot.  
  
Oh, sorry She blushed slightly, embarrassed.  
  
It's okay. He passed her the mug of hot black current, she took a sip making a face.  
  
  
  
Drink It- you'll feel better. She took another sip as he wondered off into the bathroom, once again taking the thermometer. He placed it on her head.   
  
98, at least you're cooling down a bit.  
  
You took it before? He nodded.  
  
When you were asleep yesterday. You were over 100 at one point, I was worried. Susan smiled, touching his face softly.  
  
Thank you Luka. He shook his head.  
  
It was nothing.  
  
Oh my god! Suddenly Susan raised a hand to her mouth.  
  
  
  
I'm working, I'm supposed to be on at 10! Luka's eyes widened.  
  
Damn, I'm on at 8!  
  
Susan pointed towards the oven, where the electronic clock display showed 8.17.  
  
Susan I gotta go! I'll tell Kerry that you can't work today. I'm so sorry, Ah my clothes! Susan laughed as Luka ran past her and into the bedroom and then quickly reappeared, half dressed. He ran towards her, kissing her on the cheek.   
  
Go back to bed. I'll come see you tonight? She nodded, waving at him as he sped out the door. She let out another laugh, suddenly feeling so much better.  
  
***************  
  



	9. Raising the Pulse Rate

Hey Guys, here is chapter 9. Thank you once again for all the amazing reviews, I love hearing what you think! My story isn't lusan or carby or carsan or luby. I just hate those labels. This is one of my favourite chapters but it caused me more pain than any of them. I saved it and then my computer crashed and I lost it all! I screamed for a little while before taking a deep breath and getting back down to it and it's turned out just fine, I hope you enjoy it!  
  
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Chapter 9: Raising the pulse rate  
  
Carter barely noticed as Luka dashed past him, too wrapped up in kicking piles of fresh snow to the ground, more to the point too wrapped up in Abby. He thought back to the night before, how it had ended. He had walked straight out of the room without so much as a single glance back. He sighed and wondered if that had been the biggest mistake of his life.  
  
Then he thought back to earlier that day, at Susan's place. He remembered how concerned Luka had been, how he had practically ran into her apartment to see if she was okay. Carter wondered why he hadn't felt like that when he found out Abby was sick.  
  
It wasn't that he didn't love her, or that they lacked chemistry. They had plenty, maybe even too much. He had been through it all before with her, she was extraordinary, he had never met anyone like her before. Able to destroy anything and everything she touched, cause total chaos with a single breath. Yet she was so beautiful, so ordinary yet so extraordinary, so full of love and yet so full of hate, so sweet and yet so sour. She made him sadder than anyone else could and yet no-one made him laugh like her... Life was just one big oxymoron with Abby...  
  
He kicked yet another pile of snow flat, somehow hoping to gain the courage he was desperately looking for. Apparently it didn't lie at the bottom of that particular pile of snow. He looked towards the hospital, trying to imagine what she would be doing now. His watch beeped. Time to go back to the ER...  
  
*****************  
  
Abby pressed Susan's doorbell once again. She looked down at her watch and wondered where she could be- surely she wasn't still asleep? Abby waited a little longer before pressing again. She tapped her foot gently, becoming impatient. Finally the door buzzed and Abby headed inside.  
  
*****************  
  
Susan smiled as brightly as she could as she let Abby into her apartment. She began to lead the way into the lounge, not saying a word, she caught sight of herself in a mirror and sighed. She was completely white with the slightly tinge of green. She grimaced, suddenly feeling butterflies in her stomach. She sprinted to the bathroom, Abby following quickly behind.  
  
Abby paused, Are you Okay?  
  
Susan finished being sick and got up to splash her face with cold water. She dried it with a towel before opening the door and meeting Abby's concerned face.  
  
I'm fine She lied, leaning back to steady herself on the door frame.  
  
You don't look it Abby used the back of her hand to take Susan's temperature, slightly taken aback at how hot she was she placed her hand on the small of Susan's back, and began to direct her to the sofa.  
  
Susan sat down, letting out a sigh of relief as she finally rested her weary body against the sofa cushions. Abby once again touched her face, this time to brush a single strand of hair from Susan's eyes. Susan smiled slightly and Abby leaned back slightly, not wanting to have her new leather jacket ruined just yet.  
  
I'm sorry. Susan lay back further into the sofa cushion, For the other day, I mean. I shouldn't have left you. Abby laughed slightly.  
  
I can't believe _you're _apologising to _me. _Susan, I was completely out of line, if you'd have said the same to me... I don't know what I would have done but I certainly wouldn't be letting you into my apartment right now.  
  
Well as you can see I'm not exactly in a stable state of mind! Susan laughed.  
  
Does that mean you forgive me? Susan nodded.  
  
Of course I do. Just don't make a habit of it okay? This time it was Abby's turn to laugh.  
  
I don't think Carter would be too happy about me trying that again.  
  
Yeah I guess. How are things with you guys? Abby let out a sigh.  
  
Not great. Her smile faded and it was replaced by a look of sadness, He broke up with me.  
  
He did? Susan raised her eyebrows- obviously shocked. Abby simply nodded.  
  
It's okay. I think I've just got to give him time. She shrugged,   
  
I know. He'll come round. He loves you. Abby took a deep breath, finally finding the courage she needed to ask the question that had been playing on her mind for the last couple of days.  
  
How are you and Luka? Susan smiled broadly and Abby suddenly realised her and Luka were over, finally. They had nothing left. The look on Susan's face as she mentioned his name said it all. Luka had been running around like a dog on heat for the last few days and Susan hadn't been much better. Abby smiled, realising she was probably watching the man she loved and her best friend falling in love. Her gut instinct had been right, Luka was happy and Abby certainly wasn't going to get in the way   
  
Were, good. Very good. I mean, I like him. He's a great guy. Abby sighed, nodding as best she could.  
  
Yeah, he's a great guy. Susan sensed the sadness in Abby voice and leaned closer towards her. You are okay about this aren't you? I mean, were only friends, Abby- nothing more. Abby laughed. Leaning in and giving Susan a hug.  
  
Me and Luka, were well and truly over- I promise. He likes you, Susan. And there is no way you can tell me you only like him as a friend. She let go of Susan. If you like it go for it, there's no point wasting time. Susan smiled, grateful to finally have Abby's blessing.  
  
Abby, I'm going to be sick.  
  
**********************


	10. I Sing The Body Electric

Chapter 10: I Sing The Body Electric!  
  
Abby shouted in the direction of Carter, who was sat at the admit desk filling in charts. He rushed over when he heard the concern in her voice.  
  
What's wrong? Abby signalled towards Susan who she had left sitting on a chair. He raced towards her, leaning in to take a closer look at her face.   
  
"Susan, can you hear me? She nodded, raising a hand to her mouth before bolting to the ladies to once again be sick. Carter looked towards Abby for a second or two before they raced after her.  
  
********************  
  
Luka held Susan's hand more tightly, trying to give her a squeeze of encouragement, trying to make her feel a tiny bit better, trying to tell her it was all going to be okay.  
  
She smiled as Carter took blood from her, being carefully examined by Luka as he did so. She couldn't face watching and so turned away,being given an encouraging squeeze by Luka.  
  
He stared at her, carefully analysing every piece of her face, every dimple, mole, freckle and curve. Checking for any sign of discomfort or unease. He took a deep breath as he watched the syringe fill with her blood and moved his free hand to her leg, trying to comfort her further and more so, supportive himself.   
  
He watched as Abby studied Carter carefully, watching his every move. Luka smiled slightly, wondering if she had finally excepted he had moved on. Wondering if she had moved on. He held his gaze for a second or two before she turned her head and their eyes met for a moment or two. He nodded acknowledging her presence.  
  
Okay, I'm all done here. Carter handed the blood test to Abby. I think it's just a bad case of the flu, but it doesn't help to check just in case.  
  
Thank you Carter smiled, pointing towards a free exam room.  
  
You can sit in there until we get the results. Once they are done you're free to go, presuming there's nothing wrong.  
  
Susan went to get up but Luka stopped her, instead taking her into his arms and carrying her into the exam room, somehow managing to open the door with his back. She let out a small giggle as he placed her onto the bed. Sitting down beside her he took hold of her hand once again.  
  
It's going to be okay Susan, I promise it's going to be okay.  
  
*****************  
  
Luka drove the viper carefully to outside Susan's door where he parked it. Getting out walking round to the passenger side, he opened her door, offering his hand to her. She took it, too weary to argue. He helped her out slowly, taking her hand in his once again and leading her to her doorstep.  
  
Thank you Luka She smiled, leaning forwards to kiss him gently on the cheek.  
  
It's okay. Just don't scare me like that again. He smiled, kissing her on the forehead. You got the keys? She nodded taking them from her bag and opening the door.  
  
Luka stood for a moment, not knowing which way to go before she pulled him inside, their hands still joined.  
  
Do you want to come inside for a bit? He nodded.  
  
If you're not too tired. She smiled, beginning to pull him up the stairs.  
  
They reached the top a few minutes late, Susan was slightly out of breath already. Luka looked concerned, lifting her chin up to see if she was okay. She was still hot but her temperature was now under 100. He knew she was going to be fine, but he couldn't help worrying anyway.   
  
He slipped his hand into her pocket, taking out the key and letting them both in. She smiled, standing back to let him go in first, he turned as she entered, passing her the keys.  
  
Susan went and sat on the sofa, flicking on the television. Luka smiled as he heard the Fame theme tune and both him and Susan burst into laughter as they thought back to the sexual harassment seminar. He went into the bathroom, once again searching for the thermometer.  
  
It's in here He heard Susan calling from the lounge and went to join her. She was waving the thermometer in her hand, and threw it to him as he neared her.  
  
How did you know I was looking for that?  
  
Call it a hunch She giggled But you are only taking my temperature ONCE tonight, okay? It really doesn't need to be taken every two minutes, you're going to wear that thermometer out if you're not careful! He smiled and leaned forwards, pressing it gently into her ear. He waited as it beeped and he read it, 99.8.  
  
You're still hot  
  
How hot? He laughed, raising his eyebrows and winking seductively.  
  
Oh pretty damn hot Susan giggled.  
  
I'm serious!  
  
  
  
Cool as a cucumber! Luka laughed, just about to sit down as he heard her teeth begin to chatter once more.  
  
She nodded and he headed into the bedroom. Scooping the duvet into his arms he went back to join Susan on the sofa, throwing it over her. He heard her giggling from underneath it and pulled it down to once again reveal her face. He pulled up the end and slid under, smiling as Susan moved towards him and came to rest on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her, smiling as Coco began to sing.  
  
  



	11. Anita Coffee

Oh My God. The unthinkable has happened and I have written a chapter that is a carby. I am so opposed to these two as a couple yet whilst writing this I have come to maybe, just maybe, like them together. I like this chapter but this is something completely different for me and I hope you enjoy it. I promise the next chapter will go back to the wonderful Luka and Susan but I just though you might, just maybe, enjoy something a bit different for a moment or two.  
  
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Chapter 11: Anita Coffee  
  
Doctor Carter! Carter sighed. It had been a long night and he didn't need another patient right now, he had already taken more than he could handle. He only had five minutes left of his shift but reluctantly he turned to face Haleh.  
  
  
  
An Anita Coffee' left a message for you. She want's you to meet her in doc's when you're done here Carter smirked, thanking Haleh before heading towards Doc's.  
  
**********  
  
Abby sat alone, waiting for Carter to arrive. She watched as he walked in, spotting her immediately. He went over to join her, half smiling, half frowning as he sat down opposite her.  
  
She smiled, desperately hoping her would mirror her broad smile and enthusiasm- he didn't.  
  
He frowned, shaking his head.  
  
She raised her eyebrows, gesturing broadly.  
  
Don't make this fake, don't smile if you want to cry, don't be nice to me if you want to scream at me... don't tell me you love me if you don't...  
  
He raised a hand to her mouth, once again beginning to shake his head.  
  
No Abby, let me finish. I don't want this to be all we come to. Almost perfect strangers, always watching what we say to one another. I want to be completely open with you- I think I am. I want you to do the same. Abby dropped the fake smile immediately, staring down at her hands and sighing. She let her head fall into her hands, using her fingertips to rub at her eyes. She nodded.  
  
  
Carter waited for a moment, not knowing whether she was going to continue or if he should speak. After another minute had passed he realised she was waiting for him.  
  
He paused, lost for words. Look Abby- I don't know. I don't know what to say, or do, or who to be- not when I'm with you. You asked me here, I'm here. What do you want to say?  
  
I want to say that, that I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry. I'm, angry, confused, sad... I don't know what I am Carter. I'm complicated- I thought you understood that?  
  
I do- I do understand that. He sat down, sliding onto the booth opposite her.  
  
She shook her head. You don't. Not if you even thought for one second that I am still in love with Luka.  
  
Abby, I'm sorry- okay? I'm confused too. You confuse me Abby. I never know where I am with you. One minute you make me happy, so very happy, and the next... I just don't know. One minute we are perfect, so completely perfect and the next minute everything is crazy again... I can't take it anymore. I want a relationship Abby- a grown up relationship.  
  
Is that why you were with Susan? She looked up at him, staring into his puppy dog brown eyes intensely. He didn't respond.   
  
He sighed. I was with Susan because, yes, because it was an adult relationship but not just that. She was balanced, normal, being with her wasn't like a constant roller coaster ride. He rubbed at his increasingly painful forehead. That's also why it didn't work.  
  
  
  
Because I wanted the roller coaster, hell I wanted whatever you were. I still want you Abby, I've always wanted you.  
  
You have? He smiled.  
  
You know I have. You do something to me that no-one ever could. But Susan, I loved Susan, I love Susan, she's one of my best friends, that's why it didn't work. She didn't want just a friend either. He sighed, more heavily than before. Women only want me as their friends.  
  
I don't want you as my friend Carter. She smiled, placing a hand on his face and tracing the outline of it slowly and softly with her hand. He smiled also, taking it from his face and kissing each of her fingers softly. She let out a giggle. It tickles! He laughed again before placing it down carefully on the table and becoming once again serious.  
  
Tell me about Luka. He looked into her eyes, trying to gage her reaction. I won't get angry, I promise. But please, just tell me about him. She nodded.  
  
Okay. Well, jesus- where do I start?   
  
Where ever, the beginning I guess.  
  
Well, I loved him. Me and Luka. We were, I don't know, It's hard to explain. His lips curving slightly into a smile and he nodded, urging her to go on. When we were together, there was this chemistry, from the start really, it was- explosive? He smiled once again, squeezing her hand a little more tightly. Anyway. It was good, so good, for a while at least. We had fun and we were in love I guess but he was never... what I was looking for. We couldn't talk. I just couldn't get him to open up- or I didn't try. We both just had so much baggage, even together it was too heavy. We had all these problems and no-one to offload them too, no-one outside of the relationship to talk to about it. Neither one of us had any friends and our families were the source of all our grief anyway.  
  
You had me  
  
I couldn't talk to you about it and you know it. He frowned, looking slightly hurt. I mean I could talk to you. ABout my mom and about the drinking, but not about Luka. He didn't like me and you, he never has. H e was jealous Carter, and that's why I can't take you being jealous. Eventually the jealously ripped us apart but that wasn't the reason, not really. We just weren't right. WE had all this chemistry, too much, way too much. She sat back into the booth, sighing loudly. We didn't click not really. The thing is he was never you. Carter smiled.  
And Susan was never you. Abby's mouth curved slightly, not quite forming a smile. She sat forwards, taking Carter's head in her hands, keeping it hovering in front of her own face.  
  
Tell me we are going to be okay. He smiled, leaning even closer towards her.  
  
We are going to be okay. And with that he kissed her and sparks didn't fly, and the earth didn't move, because they did had chemistry, just the right amount.  
  
*************


	12. So Many Things said, Yet so few Words Sp...

This is my favourite chapter. There is no question about it. The other chapter was so sickeningly carby, but I have to say I quite enjoyed it. I came to writing this chapter and I wanted to write Susan and Luka so badly it hurt! I hope that you like it and please, one request, please for one chapter- no flames? MaggieMay I have honestly enjoyed your comments but this is something I have put time and effort into and deep down I don't like to read flames- no author does. This is a chapter I enjoy reading and a negative comment would ruin my enjoyment of it forever, so how about it- no flames, please?  
  
*********************  
  
Chapter 12: So Many Words said, Yet so few Words Spoken   
  
Susan woke early, the light pouring in from the windows awakening her from her slumber. She rubbed her eyes dreamily, being careful not to wake Luka. She smiled realising the two of them were still huddled together in the exact same position on the sofa as they had been last night.   
  
She watched as his chest rose and and fell over and over, the duvet expanded as he did so. She smiled as she pushed a stray hand from his eyes and moved his arms around her tighter, still keeping grip of her hand in his.   
  
Susan sighed as she wondered where this was all going, where exactly her and Luka were heading. She hadn't been in a relationship since Carter, since Mark had died. It seemed like a hell of a long time ago and she was scared, scared that she had forgotten, scared that she wouldn't know how to love someone again, scared that he wouldn't live up to her standards, scared she couldn't love him as much as she had loved mark.  
  
He groaned as she gently shook him, trying to wake him also.  
  
Susan, go away He wailed as she shook him again, releasing her hand from his grip and taking his arms from her waist to get up. He clutched at the air, trying to pull her back. He leaned forwards once again, this time a little too far. Susan laughed as he picked himself up from the ground. Eventually lunging towards her to give her a hug.  
  
He grinned cheekily, finally letting her go.  
  
Good morning  
  
You feeling better? She nodded.  
  
Yeah, much better She paused He looked confused  
  
No what?  
  
No you can't take my temperature. He laughed, placing a hand on her head.  
  
You've cooled down at least.  
  
Are you saying I'm not hot anymore then? He grinned.  
  
Awww, no, I'm most certainly not saying that! She laughed and her features changed into a broad grin as he pulled his arms around her waist once more.  
  
He smiled also as he watched her pretty features. Her eyes sparkled even in the dim lighting of the apartment and she looked beautiful. He brought his hand to her face and stroked the smooth curve of her jaw.   
  
He paused, not wanting her to speak, not wanting to have to reply but to to simply stay like this forever, trapped in time, completely caught up in the moment. Finally he gave in and nodded gently in response. I'm scared. He smiled stroking her face again slowly.  
  
I'm not going to hurt you Susan. He smile trying to reassure her. I promise.  
  
It's just, it's been a long time. She paused and studied his face, trying to establish if he still understood her. Since I let myself fall in love. She sighed. I'm so scared I know, I know you won't hurt me but I'm still scared. Scared of losing you.  
  
Suddenly realising why she was talking like this. Realising why she was so terrified she was shaking. Understanding why they had been dancing around each other for weeks, not touching, not getting too close, not admitting to themselves and one another that this was something more than a friendship that had formed.   
  
An identical chill ran down the spines of them both as Luka finally said his name. A tear formed in Susan's eye and Luka raised his hand, wiping it away as it began to roll down the side of her face. She was shaking, more violently as the seconds passed. As she began to sob Luka gathered her in his arms, remembering one of the very first times they were alone together in her apartment as he did so. He stroked her hair, somehow trying to reassure her, somehow trying to tell her that this was going to be okay, that he wasn't about to disappear but it was just so hard, so very hard to find the right words to say.   
  
Susan couldn't speak either, instead she nodded as she cried, keeping herself as close to Luka as she possibly could. Never wanting to let him go, wanting to old onto him forever.  
  
Finally she pulled away, but only enough to be able to stare into Luka's glazed eyes. I'm not Mark, I never will be. She nodded, not needing to say a word. But, I do, I want, I want to, try, for us to be, together. He let out a groan. This isn't coming out right. I, I understand.  
  
Suddenly they both sighed, finally having said what they both had needed to say- without using words. They smiled at each other before they once again began to ponder their own private thoughts.  
  
Luka understood, he realised how much he loved the woman that was entangled in his arms. They had been standing still for weeks, too scared to move on, too scared to look back. For the first time in, forever it seemed, he didn't feel a pain deep inside of him, he didn't need Danjela right here in front of him, he needed Susan.   
  
And he knew that Susan needed him in front of her now, not Mark. Her and Mark had been very different to him and Danjela but somehow, it was the same. They both felt the loss the pain and they both understood what the other went through every day.   
  
Susan knew, she finally knew. She knew what she wanted what she needed, and that she couldn't hold on forever. All her life she had searched for something she had never been able to find and finally it was inches from her.   
  
Mark had gone and she would never forget him, nor would she ever get over him, but she could move on. After all, life does move on. She would never be Luka's wife but she had finally realised he didn't want her to be, he never had. She had been so scared of falling in love again but now, on the brink of it, her fears had finally disappeared.  
  
Susan leaned up to touch his face gently, speaking all of the words that were needed, telling all the stories that needed to be told, not saying a word but agreeing with every word Luka was saying, or trying to say.   
  
She felt the sparks fly as Luka stoked her face, she raised her hand to his head, pulling him towards her gently. For a moment they hovered, millimetres apart before he finally leaned towards her.   
  
Their lips met and Luka's became instantly tingly. She was warm and her moist lips meeting his sent a shiver down his spine. As they kissed he moved his hand to her ear, twisting her tiny hoop earring with his index finger and his thumb.  
  
Susan let her hands glide across Luka's back, dancing across his muscles and rubbing gently his spinal chord. She moved them up to his hair as they continued to kiss.   
  
Finally they parted, both gasping for air. Susan blushed, bowing her head. She smiled as she looked up at Luka, who was beginning to blush also. She waited, silently, for him to speak.   
  
I have been wanting to do that for a very long time. She smiled again, suddenly overwhelmed by just how sexy his croatian accent was.  
  
Me too Luka blushed a similar shade of red to Susan, framing her face with his hands.  
  
Susan Lewis, I think I'm falling in love with you. He whispered as he leaned in and kissed her again.  
  
  
-*±The End±*-


	13. Just For The Hell Of It

Hey! I know the last chapter was suppossed to be the last but I just couldn't help it! So here is chapter 13! Please, as always, read and review and if you don't like it- you don't have to read it.  
  
**********************  
  
Chapter 13: Just For the Hell of it  
  
This definitely violates the second date rule. Susan giggled as she watched Luka's face fill with puzzlement. He continued to trace his fingers over her stomach, circling her bellybutton with his gentle touch.  
  
You know what- I'm not even going to ask! She laughed again as he leaned in to kiss her, touching her lips softly with his own. When he pulled away she sighed, reminiscing the night before.   
  
He smiled as he took her hand in his arm, noticing how significantly smaller it was. He shivered at the touch of her soft skin on his. Looking over at the clock he groaned loudly, realising he was almost an hour late already. She giggled, understanding why he was groaning and pulling him towards her for yet another kiss.   
  
The phone rang again, for the sixth time that hour. Susan contemplated picking it up this time and then decided against it. Carter or Abby must have ratted them out to Weaver.  
  
I have to go. She shook her head, pulling him towards her again. He lay back down, stroking her hair with one hand, keeping the other still joined with hers. He watched the pale beams of sunlight dance across her naked skin, shining brightly in the sudden light. He leaned back into the pillow, feeling her head come gently to rest by his neck, nuzzling it softly.  
  
You _know _you want to stay. And with that he nodded, grinning from ear to ear as he pulled he kissed her forehead softly, smiled and sighing deeply, closed his eyes.  
  
  
********************  
  
Abby stepped back, staring up at Susan window. She noticed a rock to the left of her shoe and for a moment considered throwing it. She laughed aloud, realising just how childish throwing a rock was. _Still if she doesn't let me in soon I might have to... _She pulled her cell phone out from her pocket again, dialling the now familiar number.   
  
Once again the answer machine message that Abby now knew well began to play. _Hey It's Susan Lewis, sorry I can't take your call right now please leave a message after the tone... BEEP. _  
  
Susan, it's Abby- again. I'm outside- it's cold, let me in- please!?  
  
Abby snapped the phone shut, once again gazing up to look through the window of Susan apartment. She smiled as the blonde doctor appeared at the window, a white towelling dressing gown wrapped tightly around her. _Must have Been SOME night... _Abby stared up at Susan, trying to work out what she was saying. Finally she signalled at the door and Abby, laughing, pushed it open.   
  
********  
  
Susan beamed, gathering the petite brunette up into a huge hug the moment she walked in the door. Abby stepped back, a little overwhelmed. and handed SUsan the coffee.  
  
I thought you might be needed this! Susan smiled at the coffee.  
  
Weaver send you? Abby nodded.  
  
But you don't look to ill to me. She raised herself onto her tiptoes, peeking over Susan's shoulder to scan the living room and kitchen with her beady eyes.   
  
I'm bunking- don't tell on me Abby- please!? Abby giggled like a schoolgirl at Susan's sarcastic tone.  
  
Okay- but you owe me for this- big time! She paused, leaning forwards to hug Susan. I gotta go meet Carter.  
  
  
  
Abby headed for the door, grinding to a halt outside the bathroom door.  
  
Oh and Luka- Weaver is pissed at you too. She turned and winked at Susan, who was now a bright shade of crimson, before leaving the apartment, a grin plastered on her face.   
  
Luka opened the door slightly, leaving only enough room for him to peek out of. Realising Abby really had gone he stepped out of the room, grinning at Susan before gathering her up into his arms.  
  
She's gone? Susan nodded, noticing Luka was still dressed in only a bathrobe.   
  
I guess everyone knows then. He laughed, leaning forwards to kiss her gently, his lips tingling as they met hers softly.   
  
So, seeing as we have the rest of the day off- what do you want to do? Susan giggled, swiftly moving lowering her hands to just below his waist and undoing the knot that fastening his dressing gown. She pushed it over his shoulders, kissing him once again as it fell to the floor.   
  
********************  
  
The snow is beginning to fall once again, winter is here I guess. I am walking to work now, away from Susan's apartment, away from her. It's strange but in a way it hurts. I'm trying not to look back, not to run back. Back into her arms, her bed, her life.   
  
I sigh as snowflakes begin to land on my jacket, shining brightly in stark contrast against the black fabric for a moment before melting away into nothing. I shiver as one sneaks down my collar, melting on my bare neck. I pull the jacket tighter around me, still able to smell her on my clothes.   
  
I laugh as I remember the day I've spent with her. Everything about her makes my skin fill with goose bumps. The way she smiled, the way she walks, the way she kisses... I miss her so much it hurts, yet I've only been away from her barely a minute.   
  
Danjela, my thoughts wonder back once again. I still haven't forgotten, I never will. I am just so happy to finally be able to move on, in a strange way it feels like I'm growing up. I don't feel that deep sense of guilt I felt like Abby or Nicole, with them I felt like I was betraying her, with Susan I feel... differently.   
  
The ER is in front of me now, Carter is passing, a solemn look on his face. I wonder what Abby has done this time. Stop it Luka, don't go back to that. The bitter fool you were a few weeks ago. She's his problem now, let him deal with her however he wants.   
I notice a small child sitting on is own in chairs, he smiles shyly as he sees me enter the hospital before giving me a small wave. I wave back, not quite sure why he is on his own. I stare for a moment, briefly considering going to see if he's okay. Suddenly Frank is in front of me and handing me a pile of charts at least a foot high. I look back but he is gone.  
  
The day passes in a blur of patients, polite conversation and dreaming. I dream of her with every free second I have, letting her completely fill my mind. Every now and again I will have to be brought out of a daze by Carter or a nurse, snapping me back into the real world. As the seconds pass I miss her more and more, I only want her, I want her to be here, with me, I want to be able to speak to her, touch her, hold her, kiss her...  
  
I sip my coffee slowly, without realising it Carter is in front of me. I can here him laughing but I remain in my dreamlike state, not being able to snap myself back into reality. Finally I come around, just about about to translate the mass of words he is throwing at me.   
  
I hear him laugh again and realise just how close he now is to my face. I shake my head, finally able to comprehend.  
  
Sorry, I was... uh, daydreaming. He smiles at me.  
  
Don't worry. Look I just wanted to invite you to the annual Carter ball. He hands me an invitation and I smirk slightly, bemused by the invitation. I notice him blush slightly and I feel slightly guilty. It's just uh... my Gamma always has it and uh, she wanted me to invite some people from the hospital... uh some of my friends. I smile slightly this time, more confused than ever by Carter.  
  
Carter has always put on a front around me. It's almost as if he cannot bear to lose face or look like less of a man' when I'm there. I think it's to do with Abby really. I came along and stole this woman he loved and he has always tried to win her back. There's just always been a rivalry that we've never really gotten over. But here, now, as he sits in front of me, fiddling with his hands and blushing I see just another side to Carter. He is acting like a child. He seems to have no confidence, no cocky front and this kind of venerability about him. I suddenly realise that perhaps I have grown rather fond of him.  
  
Sure Carter. I'd love to come. He smiles broadly and looks up at me. Offering his hand, I shake it and he smiles again.  
  
I'll look forward to seeing you. He gets up before passing me another invitation. Can you give this to Susan? I smile, nodding my head. He grins again before heading back to the ER. I stare down at the invite for a minute, suddenly wondering why I said yes.  
  



	14. Once, Twice, Three Times

Chapter 14: Once, twice, three times...  
  
I stare hard at my reflection in the mirror. I scan over my body, making sure the dress in on right. It's black and skims carefully across my curves, dropping to the floor in a mass of material. I turn to inspect the back. The dress dips low, exposing my still tanned skin. I round up a stray piece of hair, looping it back into the clip that is holding it up.   
  
I go forwards to my dresser, scooping the pair of earrings up in one hand. I stand still for a moment, attaching them to my ears. I sigh, wondering why exactly I ever agreed to do this. I hear the loud tooting of Luka's horn outside and I grab my keys, pausing for a moment to consider wearing a jacket. I decide not to and proceed towards the door. I pick up my cell phone as I go past and notice there is a new message. I hear Luka beeping once again and startled drop the phone to the floor. I curse aloud as I watch it crash to the ground and I hear an almighty crunch. Sighing heavily I exit my apartment, not giving it a second thought.  
  
*********  
  
I smile as Susan nears me, she looks amazing. Her dress is black and silky and it smoothes over her body, shimmering in all the right places. I can't help but grin even more as she gets closer. I open my door, stepping over to meet her. I lean forwards, capturing her hand and kissing it softly as I pass her a single red rose. She smiles, blushing slightly.   
  
I can smell her and I suddenly realise how much I have missed her. I can't help but shiver at her touch, wanting desperately to kiss her properly I lean forwards but she steps away, shaking her head and signalling at her lips.  
  
No way. My lipstick, remember? I groan, taking her hand and leading her to the passenger side. I open the door whispering softly as she gets in.  
  
You look beautiful. She smiles as I shut the door and get in myself. I curse myself for ever agreeing to actually go to the ball. Still, maybe we can make a quick getaway...  
  
**********  
  
Carter shifted his weight from one foot to the other in nervous anticipation. He had invited the majority of the ER tonight and was, to say the least, more than a little worried about it. He looked around, desperately hoping to see a familiar face. He noticed a couple approaching him from the distance and gave them a friendly wave as they entered the carter mansion.   
  
He looked around again, listening carefully for the sound of a car. Luka's viper shouldn't be hard to spot, even in the dark. He sighed heavily as he thought back to the days events. He had asked Abby to join him tonight, presuming she would have jumped at the chance to spend some time with him. He was unpleasantly suprised when she had turned him down point blank, even Luka had had the courtesy to accept the invitation. He shook his head and kicked a nearby stone, trying to understand why his girlfriend was so distant...  
  
He heard the noise of a car pulling up and rose his head. He watched as Luka parked he car carefully and then got out, going to the passenger side to help Susan out. They laughed as they approached and Carter groaned. THis was going to be a long night...   
  
***********  
  
Susan gasped as she entered the house, taken aback by its beauty. It was huge, much bigger and grander than she had ever imagined. Luka held onto her hand tight, smiling as he watched her face light up and her eyes widen. She looked back at Carter briefly mouthing an oh my god' before turning her head to face Luka.  
  
It's amazing. He smiled, gripping her hand tighter.  
  
He doesn't looked too pleased. Luka titled his head backwards slightly, signalling at carter's sad expression. Where's Abby? Susan shrugged.  
  
I don't know, I mean I presume she's coming, right?  
  
I don't know. I didn't speak to her but those two are together again I thought they were anyway. Susan nodded.  
  
Yeah they were. She paused, looking back at Carter again. Maybe she's just late?  
  
I hope so.  
  
************  
  
The evening passed quickly enough. Luka and Susan danced once or twice before taking a seat and having something to eat. He grinned broadly as he noticed all the envious glances from the other men around him, watching Susan closely.   
  
There was still no Abby and John had spent most of the night by his grandmother's side. Luka realised they were the only two members of the ER to show up, in a way he was glad. At least they weren't hospital gossip just yet.  
  
You think we can escape yet? Luka laughed, nodding. You want me to go and talk to Carter?  
  
You think he'll mind us slipping off early?  
  
I don't think so and anyway it's not like he's enjoying this either.  
  
Luka leaned forward to kiss SUsan gently before heading over to where Carter was standing. He touched his arm slightly and Carter turned, a solemn look still engraved on his face.  
  
Uh, me and Susan were...  
  
Go, please go. Luka smirked.  
  
We've had a great time, really. Carter tried to smile and curled the corners o his lips slightly, not quite able to form a smile.   
  
THank you, I really appreciate you guys coming along. Luka shook his hand and patted him softly on the upper arm.  
  
We appreciated you inviting us. He paused. We had a good time Carter.  
  
***********************  
  
Susan fiddled with the key in the lock as Luka kissed her neck softly, she groaned, once again unable to open the door, he continued to kiss her neck gently and she tried again, finally successful.  
  
He moved to her lips as they leant against the door, pushing it open. He kissed her harder, letting his tongue glide slowly into her mouth. Both her and Luka heard the coughing at the same time, they broke apart quickly, spinning around to see who was there.  
  
A man sat on the sofa of Susan's lounge, looking slightly embarrassed. Luka grimaced, closing the door as Susan moved towards him. He got up to embrace her but she stepped backwards.  
  
A shudder ran down Luka's spine as he remembered the name. He knew who this was but thankfully Susan seemed as suprised to see him as Luka was. What, what are you doing here?  
  
I've come to get you back Susan. He paused looking down at his feet briefly. I uh, left a message on our answer machine.  
  
Susan pointed at the remains of her cell phone, spread over the carpet. He smiled.  
  
Uh, I had better be going then, I'll see you tomorrow? Susan shook her head, trapping Luka's waist in her hands.  
  
No- you, uh you don't have to go.  
  
I'll see you tomorrow.  
  
********************  
  
  
  



	15. A Deep Breath Of Smokey Air

Okay, I know many of you dislike MaggieMay- hell, I'm not her biggest fan, but I don't want my reviews page to be used to personally attack her. The page is to REVIEW my story, not comment on another person. If you disagree with a comment MaggieMay or anyone else who has posted a review has made then sure you can say something on my reviews page but I don't want you to attack her anonomously and simply use the reviews page for this purpose, whoever posted didn't even read the story! MaggieMay, I don't agree with all the comments you make, they are both hurtful and discouraging (I am guessing thats how you want them to be) but I suppose in SOME lights they could be viewed as constructive. The things that were said to you were wrong and sounded like they had come from a school playground. I just want you to know they most certainly don't have my support and any further comments will be deleted.  
  
Anyway- the next chapter! I hope you like it! (I have run out of breath after the earlier rant!)  
  
********************   
  
  
Chapter: A Deep Breath of Smokey Air  
  
Luka half ran outside into the cold night air. He closed his eyes shut tightly, resisting the urge to cry. He opened them once again, looking out into the dark street. He ran his hand down the back of his trouser, diving into his pocket and going to pull out his keys before changing his mind.  
  
Instead he decided to take a walk. Strolling slowly down the empty streets he began to crave a cigarette and so headed for the nearest shop. Reaching it quickly he went inside and bought a packet and a lighter.  
  
He lit the single cigarette, inhaling it deeply and exhaling slowly, letting out a cloud of smoke in front of his face. He spotted a bench opposite and went over to sit down. Taking another drag of the cigarette he tried not to wonder what Susan was doing right now. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to make the horrible thoughts disappear and to stop his mind wondering freely. He opened them again to find a familiar face sat next to him, also smoking.  
  
He reached forwards to touch her gently on the face, checking to see if she was real or not. She flinched.   
  
Hey Abby.  
  
***********************  
  
Why are you here. Charlie shifted uncomfortably in his head, tapping his legs gently on the floor.  
  
I told you. Susan shook her head fiercely.  
  
No, no Dix- no! She shook her head again, beginning to pace around the room. You can't do this to me, we broke up. It's over, I've moved on.  
  
He stood, moving closely towards her. Susan flinched at his touch, her hairs on her arms standing on end at the feel of his warm hands on her bare skin. She stepped backwards.  
  
Susan voice was smaller than she remembered and she could feel the tears welling up. Charlie stepped towards her again, this time pulling her into his arms. She rested her head on his chest gently, letting her forehead rest on his chest as he lay his strong arms around her back.  
  
I don't believe you. She stepped back once more, but his arms remained around her. He smiled, leaning forwards to kiss her.  
  
Susan stepped away quickly, caught off guard by his sudden movement. Suddenly the tears that had been trapped behind her eyes freed themselves and began to roll freely across her cheek, pouring over her cheekbones and gliding off her face.  
  
No. I said no. She paused to wipe her face briefly. I've moved on.  
  
What, with the guy you were making out with?  
  
  
  
Charlie paced over to the windowsill, looking out to the window. Noticing a car he hadn't seen when he arrived. He drive a viper? Susan nodded and he scowled. I guess he hasn't gone home yet.  
  
****************  
  
Abby stared hard at Luka as he continued to smoke on the cigarette. She stared for a minute longer before taking another drag fog her own and staring back at the road in front of her. She watched several cars pass before she began to speak.  
  
What happened. Her voice was distinctively loud and intruding and she winced at the sound of her own voice. Luka blew a large cloud of smoke out.  
  
Don't ask. She sighed.  
  
I already did.  
  
And I already answered. She shook her head, placing a hand on his face and forcing him to look at her.  
  
Luka, what happened. He shrugged her off, continuing to brood quietly. She sighed more loudly, snubbing own her cigarette in the snow. I couldn't face it.  
  
Luka turned to face her, momentarily interested in what she had to say. He looked into her eyes but she avoided his gaze instead turning her head away from him.  
  
She nodded.  
  
I couldn't face it Luka. Me and him pretending like were this perfect couple, that we have no problems or that we're completely in love. I just couldn't do it...  
  
You didn't miss much. He smirked and she let out a laugh.  
  
That bad? He grinned and nodded.  
  
  
  
You wanna tell me what happened. He began to shake his head before pausing and pushing his hair off his face.  
  
I don't think she loves me. Abby, slightly taken aback by his comment, shook herself, trying to regain her composure slightly.  
  
What happened Luka?  
  
He came back?  
  
  
  
Abby half sighed- half laughed as Luka slowly let out his name. She shook her head, taking grip of his hand immediately.  
  
They broke up Luka. She paused. I'm sure they're just friends now.  
  
You and Carter were just friends.


	16. Tell Me Lies Sweet Little Lies

Okay Chapter 16, however I'm not really sure where to go next so any help/direction would be most appreciated- even you maggiemay! Please review and tell me what you think, BTW sorry for any spelling/gramatical errors, I wrote this chapter in a bit of a rush.  
  
***************  
  
Chapter 16: Tell Me Lies... Sweet Little Lies  
  
Susan wearily headed towards the steaming coffee pot and groaned as she poured it into a mug. She rubbed her eyes, hoping desperately that when she eventually woke up she would find out that the night before had all been a horrible dream.  
  
You look beautiful in the mornings.  
  
She cringed at the sound of his voice behind her and almost spilt her coffee as she realise this was not a dream. It was real. So real it hurt. Charlie moved towards her, planting a kiss on her cheek. She jumped back, splashing coffee over his arm.  
  
Holy Shit! Susan stood, paralysed as he rushed to the sink, letting the ice cool water splash over his burning skin. He continued to swear as she finally gained the power to move again and headed over to inspect his injury.  
  
Oh my god, Charlie, I'm so sorry... He shook his head laughing.  
  
Don't worry about it. He continued to laugh and Susan once again felt the strings of her heart pulling. She stared at the blonde haired, blue eyed man who stood in front of her with a huge grin on his face and suddenly it all came rushing back. The familiar feelings poured back into her and made her ache with desire. She realised, watching him laugh through the pain, why she had fallen in love with him in the first place.  
  
Do you forgive me? He grinned again, nodding.  
  
I guess- on one condition.  
  
  
  
You kiss it better...  
  
*****************  
  
Luka shook his head, as he entered the kitchen, taking a seat and sighing, his throat sore from the previous nights smoking. He coughed, spluttering loudly. Abby laughed from her position by the coffee machine.  
  
Smokers cough. She stated, not wanting an answer or receiving one. She simply continued to pour her coffee. Luka was too wrapped up in thought about the previous night's events to speak and she didn't want to intrude on his thoughts. Both of them had a lot of thinking to do.  
  
Shall I ring her? Luka's deep voice broke the silence and Abby shook her head.  
  
You'll see her later. Abby swirled the coffee around in her mug, moving her head to face him. You're going to work, right? He nodded, throwing the phone onto the sofa.  
  
Ring Carter. Abby snorted.  
  
From your house?  
  
She shook her head.  
  
No Luka, I don't think that will do any of us any favours.  
  
*******************  
  
Susan smiled wearily as she approached the admit. desk, quickly scanning it to check for any signs of Luka. She shook her head and sighed deeply as she realised he wasn't there. She had no idea whether or not she wanted to see him. One part of her longed to touch him, kiss him, simply speak to him... the other didn't want to handle this right now.   
  
Kerry smiled, passing her a pile of charts as she continued to talk into the phone. Susan sniggered slightly at the tone of Kerry's voice. Kerry pouted slightly, rolling her eyes and beginning to shout even louder.   
  
Susan looked down at the charts and sighed, they weren't exactly exciting. _Still, better than 6 traumas. _She headed towards the lounge to find her lab coat and stethoscope, engrossed in the chart on the top of her pile. She was hardly looking where she was going as she headed inside, colliding with a figure straight away. Her charts crashed to the ground and she went down after them, as did the figure. She picked up half as did the significantly larger hands. They both stepped up at the same time, crashing heads in the process.   
  
Luka raised a hand to his head, letting out a laugh as he did so. He looked at Susan, trying to figure out if she was okay. He stared at her, intent on gauging her reaction. _Sometimes those huge eyes keep everything from me. _She smiled, raising a hand to her head and also letting out a giggle.  
  
Are you okay? He smiled, touching her face.  
  
She nodded. Are you? He nodded also, handing her the other half of her charts.  
  
I'm sorry I had to rush off like that.  
  
You hardly rushed off- your car is still outside my apartment. Susan lowered her tone, becoming more serious immediately.  
  
I figured it would be safe. Luka smirked. Cowboys don't drive- right?  
  
Susan smirked, trying desperately not to.  
  
That was a low blow. Luka laughed, shaking his head.  
  
Sorry. I didn't mean to, for that to sound like it did, I mean. She shook her head also, mirroring his movements as she stepped closer to him.  
  
It's okay. She smiled, leaning closer to him. He kissed her gently, taking her head into his hands. She shivered, realising just how much she had missed his kissed. Suddenly the door broke open, interrupting them.  
  
Abby entered, not in the least embarrassed. She laughed, heading to the coffee pot. Susan blushed, heading for the door.  
  
I uh- better be going. Abby smiled to herself.  
  
Don't go on my account.  
  
Uh, no I have to go. She smiled. I'll see you tonight? Luka nodded, kissing her once again on the lips.   
Okay sure, where are we going? Abby turned, coffee pot in hand.  
  
Um, I, was uh. Abby laughed.  
  
Susan- I'm joking. Susan laughed, slapping her head with stupidity and heading back into the corridor. Abby laughed again, turning back to her coffee. She waited until she heard the door slam before once again turning to Luka. You two okay now?  
  
I don't know. He sighed, coming closer to her. Thank you.  
  
Luka, you have nothing to thank me for.  
  
Yes, yes I do. He smiled. I have a lot to thank you for. He hugged her briefly, before moving away quickly. Me and Susan wouldn't be together if it wasn't for you. You're a good friend.   
  
Abby tensed, slightly uncomfortable with the friendly grip he had briefly placed on her. She waved absentmindedly as she watching him pick up his charts and leave the lounge. A shiver ran down her spine as she wondered what had happened to her. Luka had given her a friendly hug. A plain, simple, friendly hug, so why did she feel so wrong? Luka didn't hug her, not since they had been together... _Abby, get a grip. _She smiled, brushing it off as a friendly hug and putting it down to Susan's influences. He had become a lot warmer since they had been together anyway. _That's all it was Abby, a friendly hug. _


	17. I Honestly Love You

Chapter 17: I Honestly Love You  
  
You okay? Carter laughed as he watched Susan struggle to her feet. She cursed under her breath before un creasing her skirt and looking up to meet his eye.  
  
Thanks for all the help Carter. He laughed.   
  
I thought you had him under control! He laughed again as he watched the child charge into exam 3. You not going after him?  
  
Too right I'm not. Damn kids. Anyway, that's Weaver's exam room, I'm sure she'll take care of it.  
  
Wow, he'll be scared of hospitals forever- you sure you want to scar the kid like that?  
  
Do I look like his biggest fan right now? Carter laughed again. Anyway I'm pretty sure I deserve a lunch break right now.  
  
You feel like some company? She nodded.  
  
Sure- but uh shouldn't you be going with Abby?  
  
Shouldn't you be going with Luka?  
  
********************  
  
Dix paced around Susan's apartment, not knowing what to do with himself. He had made coffee, it reminded him of her. He had been for a walk, it had reminded him of her. He'd watched TV, it had reminded him of her. Everything reminded him of her. He sighed, flopping down onto the sofa in frustration. Looking at the clock again he sighed once more, there were still four hours before she got home.   
  
He thought about how great she had looked this morning and smiled, remembering her beautiful smile. Slowly he dipped his hand into his pocket, rummaging around for a while before finding what he was looking for.  
  
He plucked it out, holding it out in front of his eyes and staring intently. The metal was cold against his warm hands but it shone brightly in the glimmering light from the window. He smiled, amazed at how perfectly he had chosen the ring. Amazed that it would soon be on her finger forever.   
  
Amazed that she would soon be his wife.   
  
*********************  
  
Susan swirled her coffee around in her cup, desperately hoping to find the answer to all her problems at the bottom of it. As it had turned out, Carter didn't seem to be much use when it came to being an agony aunt.  
  
Right let me get this straight. You _think_ you are in love with Luka. Or you _thought _you were but now because of this uh, Dick?  
  
Susan laughed.  
  
Carter blushed, making Susan laugh even harder.  
  
Okay, this Dix guy. So he's back on the scene and saying he loved you and what? You think you still like him?  
  
No, I don't know. She sighed, taking a bite of her salad. It's just that I'm sure I love Luka, I do, I love him. But well I don't know. I loved Dix, I was going to marry the guy for christ's sake.  
  
So why didn't you? She sighed, the question she had been desperately trying to avoid had reared it's ugly head.   
  
He called it off. Carter shook his head.  
  
And now he's back saying he loves you? She shook her head.  
  
He said he wants me back. Carter tutted loudly.  
  
And your going to fall for that. He shook his head, taking Susan's hand in his. Susan, Luka is a wonderful guy, if you love him, don't even give this loser a second glance.  
  
He's living in my apartment.  
  
Then get him out!  
  
Susan blushed, laughing at the stupidity of the question.  
  
Tell him straight- you've moved on.  
  
I have?  
  
*****************  
  
Luka spun on his heels, smiling ecstatically as Susan greeted him with open arms, he smiled, picking her up in his grip and lifting her off the floor. She yelped and he laughed, twirling her round before placing her back on the floor.   
  
Hey you. She smiled.  
  
They stood for a moment, wondering who should make the next move.   
  
So... uh. What do you want to do tonight?   
  
I don't mind... Luka smirked, laughing briefly before beginning to think. He thought for a moment before being interrupted. Come back to my place?   
  
Okay, I have to get my car anyway. Susan's face lit up.  
  
Hey you can walk me home!  
  
Abby watched as the two left, hand in hand. Her stomach churned and she felt her heart ache once again. _Get a grip. _She couldn't quite place her finger on it but she knew she certainly shouldn't be feeling this way about her two best friends. They were falling in love, she should be so happy. And yet something just wasn't right. _Don't fall for him again Abby, you have Carter now. _  
  
****************  
  
They walked hand in hand down the streets, strolling idly down the pathways. Susan grinned gleefully as she felt a great weight being lifted off her shoulders. For the moment at least she could forget about Dix and concentrate on what matter- Luka. Her lunch with Carter had just made her more determined to make this work. She _was _over Dix, she was.  
  
They finally reached her apartment and they soon settled back into their normal routine. Luka dived into her jacket pocket, catching the key in his hand and opening the door for the both of them. Susan smiled as he effortless opened the door.  
  
You know what would be a really good idea?  
  
  
  
If you had a key.  
  
A key for what? Susan laughed at his cluelessness.  
  
My apartment. He smiled, kissing her before speaking again.  
  
I would love that. She smiled as he took her hand and began to lead her upstairs.   
  
They got to her floor eventually, having stopped on every step to kiss. By the time they reached the top they didn't even need to part to move up the final few steps and to the door. Luka fiddled with the key, eventually able to open the door. Suddenly Susan stopped, she heard music. Dix.  
  
She opened the door hastily, apologising to Luka as the entered. She had forgotten all about him. She was immediately struck by the flickering light of hundreds of candles covering every available surface. It was dark but the light of the candles light up the apartment romantically. Susan gasped as she entered the lounge. There, sure enough, was Dix. On one knee. 


	18. The Chant

I'm sorry for the last few chapters I thought they were weak but I needed them to be over so I could get to this chapter. This is the chapter that stretched me the most. It was tought but I _think_ I just about pulled it off (although I think MaggieMay will probally have something to say about that.) It was hard and it the chapter that makes you go Oh my God.' But I love it, and I hope you will too. There's certainly some serious angst coming up for Susan and Luka.   
  
*************************  
  
Chapter 18: The Chant  
  
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.... Luka chanted over and over again, repeating the word in his head as fast as his brain would allow. He silently begged Susan with his eyes, trying to catch her attention, just for a second to give her direction. She had stepped back suddenly the moment she had laid eyes on Dix and was now stood in the same position, frozen to the ground.   
  
Luka felt his hands began to shake first and then his whole body soon followed. He clasped his hand together, trying desperately to steady himself. He watched Dix's face, his expression transfixed. Luka imagined him to be chanting also, but a very different answer.   
  
He tapped his foot, counting the seconds, they seemed to creep past, time seemed to be standing still. He felt his breathing become heavier as he watched Susan's emotionless expression. He watched her green eyes fill with water slowly, the only sign she could feel anything at all.  
  
Numb. It was all she could feel. The emotion washed over her in a single wave as she caught sight of Dix. After that little else could be felt by her numb body, she watched as Dix stared into her, his eyes pleading will her to answer. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. The question repeated over and over in her mind yet she couldn't find an answer. Suddenly everything she had dreamt of in Phoenix had happened and yet she wasn't so sure if she really wanted it anymore. Dix eyes begged for an answer but there wasn't one. She couldn't even turn to face Luka who was stood behind her. She couldn't face his eyes also, his own questions that also needed answers.   
  
After what seemed like forever Susan turned, her face still blank. She faced Luka's questioning face, his pleading eyes and the lips she so longed to kiss. She took a deep sigh, trying to fight back the tears, and shaking her head.   
  
I think you had better go.  
  
********************  
  
I stood frozen to the spot and unable to move as I watched Luka leave. The look in his eyes had been indescribable. So angry, so hurt, so bitter. I had told him to leave but I didn't know why.   
  
Eventually I moved. Facing Dix I shook my head, not being able to find the right words or the right actions. Should I comfort him? Console him? Ask him to leave? Tell him to stay? I gasped as a tear broke loose, dripping down my face. I fought hard to keep the waterfall back and somehow succeeded.  
  
Dix's face had changed again. He was victorious, gloating, happy. I shook my head slightly, unable to process what was happening to him. He was grinning, no longer on one knee. The smile spread across his face, his white teeth glimmering. I shivered, his happiness making me uncomfortable.   
  
It dawned on me that I had made a huge mistake, Dix didn't want me. He wanted to win and now he thought he had. I began to shake my head again, more violently this time, trying to let him understand. Trying to let him know I wasn't saying yes. He was walking towards me, still smiling. He was clutching the ring between his finger and his thumb, eager for me to put it on.  
  
No Dix, I'm sorry but I can't marry you. He began to shake his head. His expression was of anger, hatred even. I watched his features light up, his eyes almost glowing with anger. He looked scared for a moment before laughing hysterically.   
  
his voice boomed into my face, he was only a few meters away but the sound forced me back, making me jump. His eyes widened as he took yet another step towards me.  
  
Look Dix, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I began to shake, taking another step back.  
  
It's okay. He stepped back and I sighed with relief, almost laughing that I had been so scared of him. This was Charlie Dix. The man I had been engaged to before, the man I had wanted to marry. Sure once or twice I had witnessed his mood swings back in Phoenix but they were down to tiredness, everyone got a little touchy now and again, right? He was a great guy. A genuinely nice man. His voice had softened and he was almost back to his normal self, I smiled. Once the wedding is planned these nerves will go. I froze, unable to move. He turned back to face me smiling and nodded strongly. It's okay hunny, you don't have to worry. I'm going to be your husband.  
  
No Dix, I don't want to marry you. He shook his head.  
  
It's okay to be nervous. He smiled, stepping closer to be, I understand.  
  
No Dix, I don't love you. I love Luka. He dived towards me, his features screwed up in a violent rage. I stepped back, hitting the wall.   
  
You FUCKING bitch! He spat the words into my face, gripping both my wrists and pinning me against the wall. I began to breath heavily, totally taken off guard by his actions.   
  
I watched his face get angrier by the second. With every moment that passed he became less and less recognisable and more and more like a total stranger. I realised I was in danger, grave danger.  
  
I tried to scream as his threw me to the floor, but my throat didn't allow me to let the words come out. It trapped them, confining them to my voice box. I gulped, trying to control my breathing. I winced as his foot smashed into my side, sending me spinning across the room. He repeated it kicking me harder and harder. I felt my body tense as his boot when into it again, smashing the bones and bruising the muscles. Time stopped and the few seconds seemed like hours. Finally he stopped, crouching down to where I lay on the ground.  
  
Things will be okay Susan, you're just not used to be being around you yet. He touched my cheek roughly, using his cold hands to pull my bruised face next to him. He kissed me hard, not letting me pull away. I tried to kick but my limbs were too sore to move. I managed to touch him only once or twice before they gave way, my legs crashing back down to the floor. I gagged as his lips met mine, tearing them apart. He laughed, sitting on top of me and trying to kiss me again. I cringed, moving my face and hiding my lips. Susan, Susan, Susan... we sure are going to have fun tonight. But you really don't have to be so feisty. I mean we both know I'm going to get what I want anyway, don't we?   
  
I closed my eyes, not wanting to know what he was doing. I shut them tight and began to pray as his hands roamed over my body. All I wanted was Luka. I had made a big mistake.


	19. The Familiar Reflection, that looks so d...

Chapter 18: The Familiar Reflection, that looks so different  
  
Abby rubbed her eyes, aggressively groaning at the time the clock displayed. If this was Carter she was going to kill him. Reluctantly she got up, spending several minutes finding a dressing gown before finally getting to the door. She pulled it around her doing it up tightly in a knot before opening the door.  
  
The cold gushed in, making Abby shiver. She grimaced at the tall figure in front of her. He was huddled up to keep himself warm and was holding his long dark coat as close to his body as he could manage. Abby managed a smile as she felt her stomach lunge and her heart start to race.  
  
Luka turned to face Abby, not even bothering to force a smile. He nodded in acknowledgement of her presence, realising how bad he must look. He had deep, dark circles under his eyes and his cheeks were stained with tears. Yet Abby seemed surprisingly pleased to see him, even at this ridiculous hour.   
  
She smiled at him, stepping back and opened the door fully, before ushering him in.  
  
What happened?  
  
**********************  
  
  
Susan stared at the unfamiliar reflected that glared back at her in the mirror. She put a hand up to touch her face, yelping with the pain. Her eye was double the normal size and rapidly turning black. Her face was covered in tiny cuts and her cheekbone was bruised. She shuddered at the memory of Abby coming into the ER like this several months earlier, if Susan had only known how she had felt.   
  
She slammed on the shower, resisting the urge to be sick as she thought back to the events of the last few hours. The water beat hard on her back as she finally began to be cleansed. She could still smell him on her skin and she grabbed the shower gel, squeezing the remainder of the bottle all over her skin. She rubbed hard, trying desperately to rub him off her.  
  
His smell still managed to find it's way into her nostrils and she scrubbed harder and harder, eventually making herself bleed. She stopped at the sight of her own blood. Feeling light-headed she rested her head against the wall, beginning to sob.  
  
Climbing out of the shower she wrapped herself in the biggest towel she could find, avoiding the mirror, she couldn't bare to look at herself. At where he had touched her, kissed her, even where he had breathed on her.   
  
The harsh bright lights of the living room made her blink furiously. She forced herself not to cry, trying to make herself believe that this was going to work. It was going to be okay. She stood still, not knowing where to turn. She glanced over at the phone and bent to pick it up. Gasping at the pain she stood back up, clutching her rib cage. She gulped realising she had to go to hospital. Shaking her head and hanging it low against her chest she realised she couldn't get there herself.   
  
Staring at the phone hard she tried to decide who to call. Luka certainly wouldn't take her calls, she wouldn't feel comfortable with any other man and Chloe was too far away. Her only thought was Abby. Dialling the number she shook as she listened to the rings. Finally Abby's voice came through. Susan slammed down the phone, not being able to bring herself to speak to Abby. She began to sob once again, falling to the floor. She sobbed harder, curling herself up into a little ball and closing her eyes, trying desperately to destroy the images floating around in her head.   
  
  
*************************  
  
I don't trust him Abby. Luka shook his head, staring into his mug of coffee. I just don't trust him.  
  
Well she obviously does. Abby sighed.  
  
Luka shook his head at her comment, dismissing it immediately. She doesn't love him Abby. I could see it in her eyes. She just, jesus, she just didn't know what to do. He smirked, realising she could be right. I don't care if she loves me or not. That's not important to me. I just want her to be safe.  
  
Luka- she'll be fine. Abby leant forward, overlapping his hand with hers. Susan's a big girl, she can look after herself.  
  
You don't understand. This guy, he scared me Abby. Luka sighed. There was just something in his eyes I didn't trust.  
  
Abby smiled, squeezing Luka's hand tightly. Realising how much she missed him. Abby missed it all. Being the one he was always trying to protect was the thing she missed the most, that role had obviously been passed onto Susan now. Abby shuddered at the mention of Susan name. How could she have thrown Luka away? She laughed under her breath and the stupidity of her comment. _You threw him away Abby- YOU threw him away...  
  
_Suddenly her phone began to sing and dance, vibrating across the table. Luka didn't notice, lost in thought of his own. She smiled, desperately hoping he was going to be okay. She couldn't believe Susan had done this too him. She flipped open the phone, not even bothering to look at who was calling, she knew it would be Carter.   
  
  
  
Luka looked up at the sound of Abby's voice, realising she was on the phone he went back to looking back into his coffee mug and began to once again become lost in his thoughts. He heard the sound of Abby saying good-bye and looked up to her, wondering if he should leave. He was puzzled by her pained expression.  
  
What's wrong?  
  
Oh my god. Abby thumped down into the seat, not able to move.  
  
What's wrong Abby? Luka paused. Was it Carter? Abby shook her head.  
  
No, no. Oh God Luka, it was Susan.  
  
Luka's mind began to buzz with worry. A million thoughts of pain and hurting flashed through his mind. He pictured Dix's smug face and dirty grin and began to panic.  
  
What's wrong Abby, what's happened? Abby covered her mouth with her hand, shaking her head in shock. Finally she looked up, meeting Luka's questioning eyes.  
  
She's been raped Luka.  
  
******************************


	20. A Rush of Blood to the Head

Chapter 20: A Rush of Blood to the Head  
  
Luka's head span as he drove. He could barely concentrate on the road in front of him as he attempt to drive, swerving to avoid anything in his way but keeping the pedal firmly pressed down to the ground.  
  
Abby took in another deep breath of air as Luka swerved violently across the road yet again. She knew they were only moments from Susan's house but she was dreading arriving. From what she had heard on the phone Susan was in a bad way and Abby couldn't help feeling like she would be a spare part. She cursed herself as she watched Luka's face. She had never seen him like this, certainly never over her. And the saddest thing was- he never would be like this over her.   
  
They finally reached Susan's house and Luka jumped out the car, not even bothering to turn off the engine. Abby sighed heavily, not wanting to go inside. Her stomach flipped as she thought about Susan... about Brian. The memories began to come flooding back, filling her mind with thoughts she thought she had forgotten. However Abby sat up and sniffing loudly, forced herself to be strong. _Come on Abby, Susan was there for you. Now it's your turn.   
  
**********************  
  
_Luka began to hammer on the door, shouting Susan's name loudly. Abby came up behind him, gently placing one hand on his shoulder and passing a key into his hand. It fitted perfectly and he rushed in, shouting Susan's name once again. He found her in a a ball on the floor, gently rocking herself backwards and forwards, her head buried into her knees.  
  
She looked up at him and he gasped, the anger bubbling inside of him. Her pretty face was bruised and misshaped. Her eye was black and her lip bloody. She didn't speak, simply letting out a whimpering noise. He moved towards her slowly, noticing her begin to sob gently he gathered her into his arms, wrapping his hands around the ball that was her body. She winced at his touch and he backed away. She grabbed him, digging in her nails to keep him close. A tear formed in her eyes he picked her up carefully into his arms, gathering up her body.  
  
My Ribs. She said no more and he moved her onto the sofa, being careful as he lowered her down.  
  
Can I look? She nodded, letting Luka slowly lift unravel her towel. He fought the urge to shout as her body was uncovered. She looked away, unable to face looking at her bruised and battered figure again. Luka pressed her ribs gently and she winced. I think they are broken. She nodded not saying a word. We need to go to the hospital. Susan shook her head firmly, trying not to cry.  
  
I can't go there. Luka nodded, understanding.  
  
I'm going to kill that bastead. Susan began to cry and Luka took off his jacket, covering her with it and kissing her forehead gently. I'm sorry, Susan.  
  
She shook her head, thanking god it was Luka kissing her.  
  
No, I'm sorry. I can't believe. She began to sob gently again. I can't believe I told you to go.  
  
You want to talk about what happened, after I left? She looked up at him nodding slightly.  
  
I told him no. The moment that you walked out of the door I said no. I didn't want him Luka. I sad no and he, he kept saying that it would be okay, that it would be okay once we were married. And I kept saying no but, he wouldn't listen and then he went mad and he pinned me up and then through me and oh god I can't do this...  
  
Luka pulled Susan into his arms and cursed Dix's name. Thanking god she was still alive he pulled her closer, so glad to have her back safe in his arms. He shuddered as he thought about what Dix might have done to her, what dix had done to her.   
  
Abby's voice was smaller than she remembered and when Susan turned she couldn't help but let another tear fall from her eye. Abby walked towards her, her expression gloomy. Susan smiled pulling Abby towards her into a hug. Abby also had tears rolling down her cheeks. Susan shivered and Luka pulled her onto his lap, pulling a nearby blanket over her. She winced as he brushed her ribs. He gasped.  
  
Are you okay, what did I touch? She smiled, wondering if things were always going to be like this from now on.   
  
It's okay, my ribs hurt that's all.  
  
You need to go to the hospital.  
  
No. Luka, not again. He nodded.  
  
Susan you have to go. She pulled herself away, heading to her bedroom.  
  
No Luka! She slammed the door and he sighed, letting a tear trickle down his face, this was so much harder than he had expected. He looked towards Abby who was stood, motionless, with an expressionless face.  
  
What do I do? She looked up, noticing the tear on his face coming over to sit with him.  
  
Give her some time. He sighed, taking his head in his hands.  
  
She needs to go to the hospital.  
  
Well there are other hospitals except county.  
  
You think she will go? Abby shrugged.  
  
I don't know. She paused, taking Luka's hand. You want me to go and speak to her? Luka nodded.  
  
If you don't mind. He sighed. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to help Abby. He closed his eyes, rocking back onto the sofa. I just want to kill that fucking bastead.  
  
  
  
Sorry, but I love her, he... he... he raped her Abby!  
  
I'll go talk to her.  
  
***************  
  
Abby rapped her knuckles gently on the door, whispering loudly enough so that Susan could hear. She waited for a moment and got no response, she tried again, rapping her knuckles a little harder against the door.  
  
He tried a third time. It's Abby. Slowly Susan opened the door and Abby went inside. The room was dark and Susan was sat curled up in the middle of it sobbing. Abby winced with pain at the familiar scene and approached Susan carefully.  
  
I don't know what to do Abby. She cried harder, sobbing into Abby's shoulder.  
  
You don't have to do anything Susan. She touched her wet hair softly. Except look after yourself and make sure this guy gets caught.   
  
I can't Abby. I can't go through all this. Why did I ever tell Luka to go? Susan cried a little harder, finally the tears subsided and she began to speak again. I love him but I can't help but push him away.  
  
He won't hurt you Susan. She nodded.  
  
I know I know he won't. But... why would he want me now. Abby struggled to hold back the tears, touching the scar on her cheek softly remembering how it got there.  
  
Because what this jerk did to you changes nothing. Especially not the way Luka feels. So. She smiled. You have to get up, go to the hospital and make sure you're okay. And Luka will be there with you every step oh the way. Me too. Susan smiled, wiping her face with the back of her hand.  
  
Thank you.  
  
*******************  
  
Carter watched his coffee as it began to get cold, the steam fading away. He sighed, watching various unknowns pass the window. He frowned, not knowing where to go. His home wasn't really his home- it never had been. It was a place, purely for show. Purely to show off the wealth of his family, to showcase how great the Carter's were. He had always hated that house. Sure it was beautiful and it was the most amazing place he's ever seen but it wasn't a home. The hospital was his home really, it's where he'd done most of his growing up anyway. He smiled at the fond memories of past. The friends he had there and the memories contained within its walls were something special.   
  
He looked at his watch realising he had been sat there for almost too hours, it was a wonder they hadn't thrown him out yet. Then he looked around realising the place was empty anyway, him sitting didn't bother them. He thought about where Abby would be right at this very moment and sighed heavily. They had finally grown apart. Before when they had started to change they talked and it worked- for a while at least. Now there was no more talking to me done. He had noticed the way her eyes lit up when Luka walked into a room, everyone had. Just not Luka.   
  
Slowly, he got up smiling at the waitress as he exited. She was pretty, young and blonde. He reminded her of someone, he just couldn't tell who. He gasped quietly as the strength of the cold wind hit him, wondering where to go. He looked up, noticing the clear night sky.   
  
Gently he began to walk, breathing in the fresh clean air. He strolled past the hospital, shaking his head as he noticed the basketball being thrown. Gallant was shooting, Carter noticed how good he was. Pausing for a moment, he thought, before wandering over.  
  
Want another player?  
  
******************  
  
I want him to stay. Susan took hold of Luka's hand, keeping him close to her, he gripped her trembling hand tightly, not wanting to ever let go. The doctor nodded, pointing to a stool. Luka took it, and placed it by Susan bed, not letting go of her hand. Abby signalled she was going outside and Susan nodded, smiling half heartedly.  
  
Okay, Dr Lewis, let's get this over with. Susan cringed, closing her eyes tightly and trying to forget everything she was now remembering. Luka held her hand tighter, looking at her face and avoiding looking towards the doctor. He cringed also as he cursed once again at himself for ever letting this happen.  
  
*****************  
  
  



	21. On a Normal Day

Okay the next chapter is finally up. I had a great Christmas and I hope everyone else did too! I was so shocked when I came back on fanfiction.net a minute ago and discovered that the first page of fics were ALL carbies... so I thought I had better update this NON-CARBY fic quick and try and balance it out a little bit at least! Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  
  
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Chapter 21: On a Normal Day...  
  
Carter pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it to the ground and heading towards the shower. He flipped on the switch, gently outstretching his hand to feel the temperature. He flinched as the freezing water hit him, stepping back slightly.   
  
Taking his cell phone he sat on the bed, still able to hear the water gushing in the shower. Pressing his voicemail button he lay back, rubbing his head, trying to soothe the aching headache he had.  
  
Hey Carter, It's Abby. Uh, I can't make dinner tonight. Something serious has happened. Meet me at Doc's? Give me a ring when you get this. It's urgent.  
  
Carter shook his head, he knew what Abby's kind of urgent was. She either broke a nail, looked at a bottle of tequila or her mom was on the rampage again. He didn't have time for any of those melodramas right now.  
  
On a normal day, with the normal John Carter, he would have rushed to her side- he always liked to rescue a maiden in distress, but today wasn't a normal day and he wasn't feeling like John Carter. So instead he headed towards the bathroom.  
  
******************************  
  
Carefully he took her hand, guiding her up the stairs of his apartment. He looked back at her every few seconds, checking she was still following closely behind him. He winced at her injuries. Although many were covered with dressings, many others were uncovered, horrific even in the dim lighting of the staircase. Her eyes were wide, still glossy with tears simply waiting to fall. He sighed, willing himself to be strong, willing himself to not retrace the footsteps he took whilst with Abby, with Brian. He was going to do this properly. The police were the people who were going to deal with this, if she let them.  
  
Finally they reached the door and Luka poked the key into the hole, still keeping a tight grip of Susan's hand. He pushed inside, slowly leading her in. He looked back again and she smiled at him, trying to gently reassure him.  
  
I'm okay Luka.   
  
The words echoed in his head and he shook them away, trying to destroy the pictures hammering themselves into his brain, imprinting their vile images into his thoughts. He squeezed her hand more tightly, wanting desperately for her to know that he couldn't hurt her anymore, that no-one could.  
  
******************************  
  
Susan shivered as she lay down onto the bed. Luka sat, perched on he end on it, stroking her left foot gently. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, images and sounds running through her mind the second her eyelids dropped.   
  
She could still picture everything about the events of the previous few hours. How he had smelt, the feeling of his hands running over her body, the sound of his voice, the pain as his foot had ploughed into her sides, over and over... She could remember it all as if she was still going through it. Firstly he kissed her, suffocating her, so hard her lips had bled. He had thrown her to the floor, his foot crashing into her sides, bruising her and snapping her ribs as though they were twigs. Next thing she knew he was on her, squashing her almost flat. His touch, his voice, his smell, his mouth, his hands...   
  
Luka jumped as Susan screamed loudly, running from the sofa to be at her side, she was sobbing loudly and shaking violently, her body rocking backwards and forwards. Luka cradled her in his arms, hushing her quietly. He sat with her, rocking her quietly in his arms until she eventually calmed down, leaning to kiss him gently.  
  
He smiled for the first time that night, softly kissing her back. He pulled away, kissing her forehead gently and easing his grip slightly. She looked up at him, smiling too.  
  
Can you stay with me? He nodded, glad she had finally asked. Abby had warned him Susan might not be ready for him yet, for their relationship, for another man to... touch her.   
  
If that's what you want. She nodded also, letting her hands glide slowly around his waist and pulling him even closer towards her.   
  
Luka leaned backwards, softly pulling Susan's body towards him, being careful not to touch her ribs. Her head fit snugly against his chest and he wrapped his arm around her. Gently, he kissed her head once again, stroking her hair softly and lulling her into peaceful sleep.  
  
******************  
  
Abby paced backwards and forwards across her apartment, staring at her cell phone every two seconds. She stopped by her coffee table, tapping her foot against the ground impatiently.   
  
She was suffering with insomnia. Too scared to sleep right at this moment. Susan's attack had brought back all the memories she thought she had forgotten, all the fears she had hoped she had left behind. The apartment reminded her of Brian, she traced her bare foot over the spot where she had lay after he had beaten her up. She ran her fingers over the spot where her head had collided with as she had fallen to the ground.   
  
She shivered, unable to think of anything but the pain, of the fear, of the fact he was still out there somewhere, ready to pounce on her again. Holding both shoulders with her hands she rocked herself, wondering who she could turn to. Susan was out of the question after tonight, Luka was too busy with Susan to give her a second thought and Carter... she had no idea where Carter was.   
  
He was supposed to love her. Want her. Need her. Be there for her. Carter wasn't any of those things- at least not anymore. When they had started he was her all, her everything, well she thought he was. Or he could have just as easily have been her rebound. Luka was still the one who made her spine tingle. The one she wanted more than anything in the world. Luka was also the one she couldn't have.  
  
Luka was so different these days. Perhaps everything he had been through had really made him stronger- perhaps Susan had. He was so different with her than he had been with Abby. He was kinder, softly, gentler, he had also managed to control his anger. When Brian had attacked her Luka had gone mad, it had shown he cared but with Susan Abby knew he was showing he cared far more. He was controlled, angry, deeply angry, but controlling that anger for her. Instead being strong, being the one who held her close and told her everything was going to be okay. That he never gave to Abby.   
  
Just then her cell phone began to ring, pouring out the familiar ring. She walked over to the coffee table, picking it up reluctantly.


	22. The Witching Hour

I like this chapter and I've written the next chapter also but that needs a little bit of work before I post it. After that though I have a Romeo and Juliet essay to write so I might not be able to post another one for a while. Oh and by the way I have NO idea why I used this title I heard it on a tv show the other day and thought hell why not? Okay, enough babbling, except please some other writers who aren't carbies come out and write! Enjoy the chapter guys and of course, as always, review!  
  
Chapter 22: The Witching Hour  
  
What's so urgent? Abby looked down at Carter, the scene a familiar one. Doc Magoos, her, him, a cooling cup of coffee placed on the table in front of him. The backdrop darkness, the night drawing in. Both angry, both slightly embarrassed, both very uncomfortable.  
  
She wondered if this was the right thing to do. In all honestly it wasn't really her place to tell him. Susan was surely the only person who had that right but Abby couldn't leave him in the dark anymore- it wasn't fair. This was important for him to know. She had left Carter in the dark too many times before.  
  
This isn't about me Carter. He blushed, bowing his head slightly and repeating an all too familiar action. The coffee was swirled as Abby sat, trying to catch his gaze.  
  
What is it then. He smirked. It must be important if you want me to know so badly and it's not about you. Abby shook her head.  
  
It's Susan. Carter looked up quickly, snapping his head up to face her. Abby grimaced at another familiar action. The mention of the word Susan' and every man she knew, or loved, became considerably more concerned.  
  
What Abby? What happened? She bowed her head, angry at herself for ever being jealous, she more than anyone should understand what Susan was going through.   
  
Carter, look I don't know how to tell you this. He placed his hands on her shoulder, urging her to tell her.  
  
He shook her gently. If this is important I need to know.  
  
She's been raped Carter. Abby watched as Carter's face dropped in exactly the same manner as Luka's had a few hours previously. She couldn't help but flinch with jealously as he started at become frantic, jumping immediately to his feet.  
  
Where is she? Abby shook her head slightly, trying to fight back the tears.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
Carter tried to manage a smile as he watched Susan rush around the kitchen, making coffee. He wanted to tell her that he knew, that he was sorry, that he wanted to help her, be there for her. But he couldn't. She thought this was just a spur of the moment visit by a friend.   
  
In reality he had spent most of the night driving past Luka's apartment, knowing full well he couldn't see her until the morning. He had never worried like that before, not over a woman anyway. Certainly not over Abby.  
  
Her blonde hair was pulled back untidily but she looked suprising well, all things considering. Her eyes were shimmering their vivid green as she sat by him, handing him a mug. He thanked her, taking a sip of the steaming coffee.  
  
Looking around the apartment, his mind began to wonder. If only she had been here, if only Luka had been with her, if only he'd been with her...  
  
He looked up as Luka came from the bedroom, his eyes widening as he spotted Carter. Still slightly suprised he smiled and half-mumbled a greeting of some kind. He watched as Luka eyed him suspiciously, then catching Susan's eye he narrowed his eyebrows- trying to get the answer from her. She nodded, blushing slightly and staring down into her coffee. Carter sighed, leaning back into the sofa.  
  
So, to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit? Susan sat back also, making herself more comfortable.  
  
Oh you know, I was just passing and I thought guess who I haven't seen in a while' and it was you so I thought I had better stop and say hi. Susan eyed him suspicious, looking at him with the same eyes Luka had made at him earlier.  
  
Carter, this is Luka's apartment. He smiled.  
  
I know that Susan, Abby told me you were here.  
  
Oh, right. From behind them Carter could hear Luka going back into the bedroom. A few seconds later he reappeared- fully dressed and clutching a cup of coffee.  
  
I'm going to work. Carter watched as Susan tensed and he winced. He wanted to help her so badly, tell her it was okay, that he would stay, that he would look after her.   
  
Luka walked towards Susan and she stood, letting him gently pull her into a hug. He leaned towards her ear whispering something so quietly Carter couldn't hear. She nodded, whispering a quiet okay.' Luka pulled away from her slightly, but only to allow himself to kiss her tenderly on the lips. Squeezing her tightly once more he pulled away. I'll be back at 2. How long are you staying Carter?  
  
Um... I don't know... as long as it takes for Susan to kick me out? She smirked, the first time he had seen her smile today. Luka's face remained serious. He nodded.  
  
I'll see you later. He kissed Susan again, giving her many second glances as he headed towards the door. Good bye Carter. Luka waved, as did John.  
  
He waited until the door slammed before looking back at Susan. He studied her pretty features once again, an action very familiar to him when in her presence. He had always been drawn to her, ever since he was a med. student, but now, looking at her beautiful face and softly drawn features he cringed. Her face was swollen and bruised but so far he had offered him no explanation for her injuries. Trying not to imagine what she had been through, trying not to imagine the kind of man who could do that to her. He felt the anger rising up, drawing itself closer to the surface every few seconds.   
  
She looked at him, staring into his huge puppy dog brown eyes and sighing. Susan once again took a seat, letting herself fall softly into the cushion. She bowed her head, avoiding his questioning stare, trying to pretend that none of this was happening.  
  
You know don't you.  
  
*******************  
  
The shift had been the longest of Luka's life yet he had only worked for a few hours of it. He had to be strong- for Susan, but it was just so hard. Explaining to Kerry what had happened, answering all the nurse's questions about where Doctor Lewis' was. All he wanted to do was scream and shout and go and get that loser and show him what it's like to feel small, weak and afraid.  
  
Taking a seat at a nearby bench he leaned forwards, placing his head in his hands. This day couldn't get much worse. But at least he had her, she was safe and she was still with him. She hadn't shut him out nor ignored him, she had let him in. Sometimes she still amazed him.   
  
He felt a warm hand on his arm and looked up to see Kerry's face, frowning slightly at him. Her arm moved to his back, rubbing it slightly.   
  
Are you okay honey? He shook his head, rubbing his face with his hands.  
  
I know I should be. It wasn't me that was He paused, unable to say the word. I'm trying Kerry, trying so hard to help her, to be strong but sometimes it's just makes me sick, the thought of someone, anyone, doing that to her. Someone doing that to her and me not being able to stop them. I left him with her Kerry, I walked out the door and I left her with him... Luka broke down, the tears falling thick and fast. He hadn't cried for so long, he couldn't recall the last time he had cried.   
  
Kerry hugged him gently, rubbing his back every now and again, trying to soothe him, trying to tell him that she was there for him.  
  
Go home, Luka. Kerry sighed. She needs you more than we do.  
  
*****************  
  
Abby paced around her apartment again, wondering how Carter was getting on with Susan. She cursed aloud as she felt the jealously well up inside of her. She was so embarrassed by the way she felt. Susan didn't ask to be raped Abby... The thought made her shudder and hate herself even more.   
  
The tequila bottle standing on the counter opposite her looked so inviting. She shook off the temptation, concentrating on Luka. She missed him, she wanted him here, with her. Not with Susan. She tried to tell herself once again that he didn't want her but she couldn't, she couldn't face finally admitting he didn't love her.   
  
Then there was Carter. Good, dependable Carter. She didn't love him, she knew she didn't love him. But last night, when she had seen him so upset and so sad and so angry over Susan being attacked her stomach had somersaulted.   
  
Finally, there was Susan. Susan her friend, the only female friend Abby had really ever had. There was Joyce but she was more a patient than a friend. Susan had been there for her. She'd listened to endless hours of Abby gabbling on about Carter, she'd offered Abby a place to stay after she had been attacked and she had offered Abby support when she had found out about the drinking. Yet still Abby couldn't help but be jealous of her. She had everything that Abby wanted. Luka loved her like he had never loved Abby and Carter ran around after her like a love sick puppy... and Abby just couldn't stand it.  
  
She wandered towards the counter, placing a hand of the cold surface. Her fingers ran gently over the soft curves of the bottle. It was so easy, so simple. There were no complications and it would destroy every memory of Brian in an instant. 


	23. Back In The Day

Chapter 23: Back In The Day  
  
You know I'll be here, always. Susan smiled at Carter's downcast face. His eyes were bright, as always, but he looked weary. His skin was dull and his hair greasy. She looked closely at him, wondering why the two of them hadn't worked. Watching him stare back at him she realised why. Her and Carter didn't have what her and Luka had. That jolt, that spark... that electricity.  
  
I know. She sighed, wondering when Luka would be back, she missed him, so much it hurt.  
  
What ever happened to the old days, Susan. She looked up. Carter was staring down into his now cold cup of coffee, swishing it round and round in the mug.  
  
What do you mean? She smiled, perplexed by his sudden statement.  
  
I mean the old days. Me, you, Doug, Carol, Benton and...  
  
He nodded, outstretching his hand to join it with hers.  
  
It all seemed so easy back then, as if nothing ever went wrong. The ER used to be fun, right? Life used to be fun. She shook her head, suddenly becoming acutely aware of how much Carter had grown up. He did nothing but suprise her these days with his maturity.  
  
Maybe you should be answering that question. She sighed again, staring down at her feet. I went away for 5 years and when I came back everything seemed to have changed. I was stupid to expect it to all be the same.  
  
I wish you hadn't have gone. She smiled, realising that maybe Carter wasn't all that grown up after all.   
  
Me too.   
  
I was thinking maybe I could give Doug and Carol a ring. I haven't seen them in so long and the girls must be getting big by now. Susan nodded.  
  
That would be nice, I forget what good friends we all used to be sometimes.  
  
We had some good times, huh? Susan laughed, caught up in a private memory.  
  
You remember the cast we put on your leg! Carter grimaced, before finally giving into laughter.   
  
The mutt and jeff of emergency medicine strike again! Susan smiled, the memories flooding back. Carter was right, things had seemed so much easier back then.  
  
I miss him. Carter nodded, pulling Susan into a hug as tears began to fall down her face. She laughed slightly, stunned by how much she had cried over the last few days, but thankful to finally have her mind on something else for a while. To have some memories worth remembering, some tears that deserved to be shed. It was a welcome relief but the memories reminded her of how old she was getting, of how much she had grown up in the last few years. You think that when you become a grown-up you stop growing, stop learning, stop becoming a bigger person, a better person. But it's exactly the opposite. Childhood is just a nice, easy introduction, a slow growth into the place where you grow the most. Adulthood is where everyone changes the most, where you really become moulded into the person you end up.  
  
Remember the wedding? Susan smiled, remembering the disgusting bridesmaids dress she had worn, pink definitely wasn't her colour. She nodded before shaking her head.  
  
How could I _forget_ that dress! Carter smiled.  
  
You would have looked gorgeous in a bin liner and you know it. Susan half smiled before looking down at her feet, embarrassed by his comment.  
  
Is Abby okay? Carter winced at her name, annoyed that Susan had reminded him about her yet again, wanting to let himself forget her for a day, or a few hours at least.  
  
Do we have to talk about her.  
  
Yes Carter, we do. He shook his head.  
  
Look I'm going, I can't. No scratch that- I won't. He sighed, heading for the door. I'm so sick of everything being about Abby. Susan stayed sat on the sofa as he headed towards the exit, reaching the door quickly.  
  
Please Carter, don't go. Her voice was small and Carter winced at the pain in it. He cursed himself for even thinking about leaving, returning immediately to sit beside her. The tears were once again beginning to fall down her face and he gathered her up into his arms, hushing her sobs once more.   
  
It's okay Susan, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you alone again, I promise. Her sobs continued but they eased gradually, slowing slightly. I'm not going to leave, you hear me? I'm not going to leave.   
  
************************  
  
Abby rubbed her head as she awoke, the pain waking her sharply. She stared at the empty bottle next to her on the coffee table and groaned. One sip, just one sip. She had promised herself. She didn't know who to call. These days she had no-one to turn to, no-one at all.  
  
Her first instinct was to find relief for her headache, cursing she clambering up onto the counter, pushing her arm past the various jars and tins, finally her hand reaching the back of the particular cupboard she had been searching. Her hand clasped the packet, pulling it out from its hiding place. She cursed again, more loudly his time as she discovered it was empty. Unable to muster the strength to go to the pharmacy she slumped onto the floor, staring at the phone as she wondered who to call.   
  
Carter wouldn't come, he would be too busy with Susan and she didn't feel much like disturbing their cosy chat. Susan, for the same reasons, was off limits. Chen? Abby recalled a visit to somewhere across state this weekend. She racked her brains, desperately thinking of who to call. Yet there was only one name she could think of- only one name that mattered.   
  
Luka.  
  
**********************


	24. Please

Hey Guys, the latest chapter! I've written the next few as well but will keep uploading them like this, separately, so you get chance to read and post your comments about each one before you have the next one to read. As always, please do review and, of course, Enjoy!  
  
********************  
**  
Chapter 24: Please**  
  
Luka clutched a bottle of wine as he entered his car, placing it on the passenger seat next to him. He shivered as he remembered the accident he had been involved in months earlier. The accident that had brought him and Susan closer together he remembered, smiling softly to himself. He revved up the engine- hurrying to get home. He hoped Carter was still there, after all he didn't want her to be left on her own.  
  
He cruised along the busy street slowly, trying hard not to become infuriated with the other drivers. He hated this country sometimes. Croatia was just so different. Cars were rarely seen and when they were the drivers were well mannered and considerate. There was never this endless rush to be somewhere, he just didn't understand americans sometimes.   
  
He heard the ringing loudly but was reluctant to listen. He hated cell phones, he had no idea why he even had one to be honest. It had been thrust upon him by the hospital really, Kerry was keen that all the doctors had a pager or a cell and Luka never could work those pagers. The ringing continued and try as he may to ignore it, he just couldn't.   
  
He pulled over, being beeped by several speeding cars as they passed. _Damn American drivers. _He stared at the cell for a moment, wishing he'd asked for one that didn't have to be flipped open. Suddenly he remembered it might be Susan calling. Quickly he picked it up opening it with one hand. Luka let out a loud sigh as he heard the voice on the other end.  
  
***********************  
  
Carter- Go! He shook his head, kicking Susan gently on the leg with his foot. She giggled, nodding her head enthusiastically. You always were a stubborn one.  
  
From Susan Lewis? She narrowed her eyes at him, scowling playfully.  
  
Watch it millionaire.  
  
Oh so because you're an attending now you think you're above me? She laughed, nodding.  
  
You have a lot to learn. She smiled, touching his arm gently with her hand. Now go Carter, I know you're supposed to be at work, there is no point lying. I'll be fine.  
  
Carter rose slowly, sighing as he got up. He watched Susan's face carefully her voice was telling him to go but her eyes told him a completely different answer. He wondered what to do. Did he dare leave her again? He looked at his watch realising he was over half an hour late. Kerry would be having kittens by now.   
  
Her face was half smiling half frowning as she watched Carter gently rise to his feet and then hover there for several moments. She nodded gently once more, trying to persuade him to leave. It didn't seem to be working. She tried once more, shooing him with her hands.  
  
Go Carter.  
  
*********************  
  
Abby slunk backwards, letting her body slide down from where it was leaning against the cabinet to the floor. She let the tears flood down her face, trying hard to resist the urge to be sick once more. She closed her eyes, allowing her body to slowly go dumb. Her hand was floppy, too weak to push the tears and so they continued to fall, right off of her chin.  
  
Luka wasn't coming, that was apparent. He was on his way home and Abby guessed she wasn't exactly top of his list of priorities right now. She wanted him so much it hurt, she couldn't even face the thought of him and Susan even near each other, especially not as a couple. Why couldn't he understand? Understand that she needed him too. She needed his warm hands and strong arms. She needed his soft mumbling accent and his moist lips. The pain seeped through her, finally fading as she once again became numb.   
  
Her mind drew a blank as to who to call. Carter, yeah she needed him like a shot in the head. Anyhow he was occupied with Susan. She shook her head, letting the tears fall freely without a second thought. Carter wasn't right, he never had been right for her. Carter was like a brother to her and she loved him- like a brother. Luka was the one- he always had been. Carter would stomp round to her apartment, if he bothered at all, and pack her off to a meeting after the usual lecture. That's what he didn't understand. That sometimes a meeting with other alcoholics doesn't help. Sometimes you need someone who won't judge, who just cares. Abby needed someone, that was for sure, but it wasn't Carter. She needed someone who would be here already, someone who would forget the past and gather up her small, fragile frame into a hug. And hold her.   
  
Abby needed to be held so much. She needed someone to touch her, to warm her, to love her. She didn't need saving, she didn't need a sponsor she needed someone who would love her. Just love her. She wasn't asking for a saint, that was the last thing she wanted. She wanted someone who was broken, unfixable- like her.  
  
She smiled for the first time in a long time as she heard the doorbell ring. Suddenly it was like she had all the energy in the world, her numb tired legs became full of life once more. She sprung up quickly, bolting for the door.  
  
There he stood, her saint, a box of paracetemol in one hand, a bottle of wine in the other.  
  
******************  
  
That's it Abby, I'm through with this- you understand? She stood, motionless as the paracetemol box Luka had just thrown crashed to the floor. He was already on his way out, headed quickly towards the staircase.  
  
Don't go. He turned on his heels quickly, the rage evident on his normally cool face.  
  
No. Abby I am going. Now! His voice became quieter as he heard her sobs. Abby, I'm _through _with you, with this, with _us_. I am not you're boyfriend, I don't love you Abby. I don't know if I ever could. He watched as her face fell, quickly followed by the falling of tears. I can't handle you. You do this every time. He sighed loudly, walking towards her apartment door again slowly. The box lay on the floor besides a crumpled Abby who was slumped against a wall. Luka picked up the box and handed it to her- remained crouched down besides her.   
  
Thank you. Abby's mumble was quiet but it echoed against the harsh corridor walls.  
  
I can't always be there to pick you up. You can't throw a tantrum every time you want something. He sighed again, sitting down besides her. My girlfriend is at home, possibly alone, because you needed some attention. She looked down at her feet, shaking her head gently.  
  
  
  
I have to do this, I have to tell you this Abby. The woman I love has been raped and you can't give a damn. She's supposed to be your friend, Abby.  
  
She is. He shook his head at her feeble response, raising his voice once again.  
  
Well start acting like it. He got to his feet, looking down at Abby's sulky form before walking away.  
  
He stood, motionless and spoke without turning around.  
  
I love her Abby, really really love her. Don't ruin this for me. His voice became small suddenly, almost childlike. Abby watched as his hunched figure remained perfectly still, probably too wrapped up with fatigue to move an inch further. She waited as the word slowly oozed from his mouth, almost in a squeak, almost in a whisper.  
  
  
  
**********************  
  
I love you, remember that- okay? She smiled as he kissed her softly on the forehead, pulling her into a hug and grasping her body gently. He whispered into her ear quietly, so that she could barely hear his voice. I'm only a phone call away- always.  
  
She watched as he kissed her forehead again before heading towards Luka. The two men shook hands, the handshake firm. Carter turned back, once more smiling at her and waving a gentle good bye. Luka smiled slightly thanking Carter before opening the door for him.  
  
He headed out, only giving a small glance back before tightening his coat and heading into the corridor and out of sight. Luka closed the door quietly, grinning at Susan as he did so. He plucked the bottle of wine from behind his back, grinning broadly once more. She smiled as he neared, pulling her into a soft kiss.  
  
She shivered as she tasted his soft lips, smiling as his strong arms pulled her body closer to his own.   
  
*************************


	25. Baby, Talk is Cheap

**  
Chapter 25: Baby, Talk Is Cheap**  
  
  
Susan whispered quietly, trying to discover if Luka was awake. He groaned slightly and she giggled, prodding him with the sole of her foot. He groaned once more as she unwrapped his arms from around her waist and turned to face him. He opened one eye lazily and smiled, kissing her softly on the lips. She smiled, kissing him back.  
  
I'm sorry I left you yesterday. She shook her head, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him closer to her.  
  
It's okay, Carter was here. Luka said nothing for a while, staring at her intensely.  
  
I should have been here, not Carter. He paused, brushing a strand of stray hair away from her face. But today I am going no where. He grinned kissing her once more.  
  
I thought you had to work. He shook his head.  
  
I spoke to Kerry. He watched as her face dropped and she pulled away slightly, letting a small distance arise between them.  
  
You told her. Luka continued to stare into her large green eyes, nodding slightly as he tried to pull her warm body once again close to his own.  
  
She resisted, instead pulling herself further away and eventually sitting p, wrapping a sheet around her naked body.  
  
She needed to know Susan. He paused, reaching out to gently touch her face. I only told Kerry, no-one else.  
  
Susan ran her hand through her hair, sighing softly as she sunk back down into a lying position on the bed, moving herself once again closer to Luka.  
  
I know. I'm sorry. She reached her hand under the covers, entwining her fingers with his. Thank you. She smiled. I don't think I could have managed it. Not yet.  
  
It's okay. She kissed her forehead compassionately, giving her hand a slight squeeze also. The best part is, we get to spend the next week in bed. Susan giggled, letting Luka roll over on top of her.  
  
********************  
  
Carter bolted upright, breathing heavily. He wiped the sweat of his face, shocked by the warmth of his forehead. H had no idea what was wrong with him but he hadn't exactly had a good nights sleep. It had been interrupted, full of nightmares. The worst part was it wasn't him he was imagining. It was Susan.  
  
Over and over again the same sequence of events had gone through his mind. Mostly the dream was a blur but he remembered some of it. There she was, saying good bye, insisting she would be fine as she walked home alone. It was dark and he wanted to walk her but she insisted, the next thing he knew she was in the ER. Helpless.   
  
He didn't know what was wrong with himself. She was okay. He had seen her himself, yes she was hurt and probably the most scared she'd ever been in her life but she was okay. Luka was there, he was there. She wasn't going to get hurt again. Yet he couldn't help thinking he should have been there for her that night. The events hadn't really happened like his dream. _You heard her Carter, she told you what had happened. _It wasn't on a cold, dark street, it wasn't with a stranger. It was in her home with someone she knew well. Somehow, that made it worse.  
  
He wanted to see her again, check she was okay. He knew she was, Luka had the week off, as did Susan, and Carter knew perfectly well that he wouldn't let her out of his sight for more than a second.   
  
His heart rate had slowed and he had stopped sweating but he still couldn't help but worry. He wondered once again what these feeling were. Yes, one of his best friends had been raped, he was supposed to be upset for her, but surely he shouldn't be this panicky? He glanced at the clock, letting out a small yelp as he saw the time. He was going to be late, maybe he should be this panicky...  
  
***************  
  
Abby waved slightly at Carter as he walked towards her but a sour look remained on his face. She winced, praying he hadn't spoken to Luka about the previous night. Her actions had been so incredibly stupid that she winced just thinking about them, she couldn't bare it if Carter knew too. She didn't want him as a boyfriend, or even just a lover, but she wanted him as a friend.  
  
She watched as he walked into the lounge, not looking back at her she noticed. That was the first time Carter had done that, not looked back. He always did it, trying to make out like he wasn't looking back at her, but really he was always just trying to get that final glimpse, that final look at her face. She loved it. Maybe it was because it showed he cared, maybe she just loved the attention. Abby hadn't got a clue but she sure knew one thing, he hadn't looked back this time.  
  
****************  
  
The silence was golden. She had always loved the silence of people. It was the best thing people ever said- nothing. They lay side by side, not whispering a sound. Yet it was like they had just had the best conversation ever. There wasn't an awkward tension, or an uncomfortable feeling. There was love and warmth, and understanding.   
  
Understanding. Thank god there was understanding. Thank god he understood. He understood that she just needed to lie for a moment. Without talk, talk is cheap after all. She had tried forgetting but it didn't work. The only thing that soothed her, that calmed her aching pains was him. Moving on, with him. He was everything, more than everything.   
  
She could feel his warm kiss on her forehead and for a moment was tempted to speak. However she resisted the urge, instead simply smiling back at him. He smiled also, mirroring her happiness, understanding exactly what she needed.  
  
Suddenly the phone rang interrupting the silence. They stared at each other for a while, grinning like cheshire cats, too happy, too content the way they were right now to move. Eventually Luka gave in, rolling over to answer. Susan smiled again, remembering how much he hated listening to the ring of a phone.  
  
Why are you ringing. Susan turned to look at Luka, startled by his aggregated but hushed voice. She outstretched an arm, catching his arm softly with her fingertips. He was still talking into the phone, apparently unaware of her touch.  
  
His voice was getting louder. Ask Carter. He slammed down the phone, turning back to Susan and trying to force a smile.  
  
She didn't move, keeping her face plastered with a solemn expression. She needed to know what was wrong. There were two names running around in her head. Kerry and Abby. She was desperately hoping that it wasn't the latter at this point. As much as she loved Abby, she really didn't need her problems and sulky whinging right now.  
  
Who was it? Luka shook his head, leaning forward to kiss her once more.  
  
She looked at him, about to ask more as he spoke again. I'm going in the shower. She smiled.  
  
Susan watched as Luka make his way towards the shower, his head lowered. She shivered, realising she was naked she pulled the covers over her, still concerned about the phone call. Suddenly having an idea she picked up the phone, pressing the button for the last caller. _Damn_. she cursed as she heard the hospital number spoken into her ear, that didn't exactly help matters.  
  
*****************


	26. I Didn't Want to Be Alone

**Chapter 26: I Didn't Want To Be Alone**  
  
Carefully she climbed out of the bed, sheet still wrapped around her body. She still hated being alone and right now she didn't know what was wrong but she somehow felt haunted.   
  
Luka heard the gentle tapping on the noise over the gushing of the shower. He stood still for a moment before calling out.  
  
He watched the door open and Susan, wrapped in a sheet, walk in. She smiled at him at took a seat on the toilet, turning herself to face him. He continued to wash himself, trying to ignore her watching him. He turned, trying to contain his laughter. She looked amazing he couldn't contain that. Her hair was loose, now reaching her shoulders, it was slightly wavy but it sparkled in the lighting of the bathroom. Her bruises had healed slightly and her skin looked better. Her eyes sparkled a vivid green and her teeth gleamed a pearly white. He turned, wanting to look at her again. She was no longer smiling instead her face was sad.  
  
I didn't want to be alone. He nodded. An akward silence fell between them as Lukarubbed soap over his body, coming to a halt and facing her, he lowered his head slightly.  
  
It was Abby. Her eyebrows raised in suprise, asking for an explanation. I saw her yesterday as well.  
  
You did?  
  
I was on my way home- getting the wine- and she rang me. He sighed, wondering if Susan could hear his sigh through the noise of the shower. He had his eyes closed, letting the warm water drip over his body. When he opened them again she was by the door, no longer with the sheet. He smiled as she opened the door, standing back to let her get in.   
  
Susan climbed in, smiling as the hot water warmed her cool body. Her hands found Luka's slippery chest, steadying herself as she moved closer to him.  
  
I couldn't hear you from out there. Luka smiled, pushing back her wet hair with his hands.  
  
Oh, I see. She smiled also, planting a gentle kiss on his lips. He leaned forwards, trying to kiss her properly. She pulled away but kept her face close to his, not letting too large a gap form between their lips.   
  
No. Seriously. We need to talk about this. She sighed, moving her hands from his chest around his back.  
  
Okay I was on my way home and she rang.  
  
And you just went over? Susan shook off the feeling of jealousy that was coming over her. She's calls and you run over? Luka pulled her tighter, shaking his head.  
  
No. No, look Susan I didn't want to go, I wasn't going to. I told her no. All she wanted was paracetemol. She was drinking. Susan mouthed a silent oh.' raising a hand to her mouth.  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
Don't be. He kissed her forehead, smiling as a drop of water creeped into his mouth. She only did it for attention. Carter was busy with you and so she called me. It's always been the way Susan. She drinks because it's the only thing she can't hurt.  
  
Or that can't hurt her.  
  
We both know that's not true.  
  
Do we? She raised her eyebrows slightly. I mean really. It only makes her feel good Luka, it doesn't hurt her, well nothing she can see either. What it's doing to her liver is a different matter. But that's not the point she turns to it because it's the only thing she knows that won't break her heart.  
  
Susan, don't start this feeling sorry for Abby thing.  
  
Why not? Someone has to feel sorry for her, don't they? Luka shook his head, pulling away from Susan and turning to face the other way.  
  
Fine, be like that. She turned also. They stood still for a minute, not uttering a word. Could you pass the soap please. Luka couldn't help but laugh at Susan's comment and chucked the soap, it landing on her head before falling into her hands. Ow! Luka! She turned, smacking him playful on the upper arm.  
  
He laughed, turning to face her and kissing her, not letting her pull away, not that she put up much of a fight anyhow.  
  
They parted finally, both housing large smiles on their faces.   
  
We really should fight more often. Luka smiled, perplexed.  
  
Oh really, Whys that?   
  
Because making up is just _so_ fun. She smiled again, kissing him passionately once more.  
  
************************  
  
Carter forced a smile as Abby entered the lounge, the usual solemn look on her face. She mumbled a greeting of some sort before crashing down onto a chair. Carter watched as she rubbed her head for a moment before he continued pouring his cup of coffee. She looked up at him and he smiled, signalling towards the steaming pot.  
  
He nodded, pouring her a cup and joining her at the table.  
  
You okay? She smiled as best she could, taking a breather from rubbing her head to look up at Carter's face.  
  
Not really.  
  
What happened? She smiled again, reaching her hand to touch Carter's. He shivered at her touch, not wanting her but knowing he couldn't say no. She always had that power over him, she always would.  
  
_I'm drinking again_. She said the sentence over and over in her mind but couldn't bring herself to tell Carter. She smiled, shaking her head.  
  
It's okay. She smiled at his concerned face. Really Carter. I'm just worried about Susan that's all. I watched as his face lit up at the mention of her name, he nodded in understanding. In complete ignorance more like.  
  
I saw her yesterday. I nodded.  
  
How's she doing? He shrugged.  
  
As fair as I can tell she's fine, remarkably well. I think that's down to Luka though. I guess he picks her up when she has her bad times. Abby nodded again, trying hard to fight back the tears, she felt her eyes becoming watery and jumped up immediately.  
  
That's good, I better go, Kerry won't be too happy about me sitting here. I was late today anyway. Carter half smiled, mumbling a good bye with a confused look on his face. I prayed he had put it down to me being upset over Susan, and started towards an exam room.  
  
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	27. Monday Morning Blues

This is just a little chapter to keep you all happy, the next one is longer. I'm sorry these past few chapters have taken longer than usual- school is getting back to hard work once more and I'm finding it tough to find the time to write, hopefully the next chapter won't be too long but this weekends going to be filled by revision most probably- so don't hold your breath. Anyway- new ER tonight, and please please all review, I love hearing from you guys and getting feedback is such a positive thing, it's great to have your input into the story.  
  
Oh and last point, MaggieMay, I've had enough, sorry but I have. I have no idea why you are reading still. This is chapter 27, meaning you've spent a significant amount of time reading this story and have posted a total of 27 reviews, more than most people who enjoy the story post! Your reviews are not helped. I appreciate constructive criticism, I really do, but you're not helping me- your reviews are just irritating, you are not an author and so I don't believe you have the right to be abusive about other peoples stories, just because they aren't your cup of tea. You think you can do better than every other writer on the site? Then do so. You don't like my story, don't read it. **  
  
Chapter 27: Monday Morning Blues**  
  
  
I can't believe it's Monday already. Luka smiled at Susan's childlike grin as they approached the hospital in the viper. Y'know I love this car, it's so... fast.  
  
You nervous? She nodded mainly.  
  
Is it that obvious? He smiled, placing a hand over hers.  
  
Calm down, this is what you've spent your whole life doing. She smiled taking his hand and smiling quietly to herself.  
  
***********************  
  
The days passed slowly and each one was filled, at first, with bitter memories. Memories of pain and hatred and thoughts of despair and anguish. However as the days rolled by, turning into weeks and finally into a month, my pain began to ease. I still couldn't ever be alone, and I didn't like to spend much time at my apartment anymore but I'd practically moved into Luka's anyway. Still the days passed quickly and before long thought's of Dix began to haunt me less and less and I'd even started back at work.   
  
Work was hard at first, male patients I found especially hard to treat. Kerry made sure there was always another doctor working with me for the first week or two, normally Luka, but eventually I regained my confidence and I began practised medicine alone once again. Somehow though it was different. My job, in a funny way, had it's spark back. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved being a doctor but recently it had become tedious, patients came and went and I never felt especially attached to any of them- not like I had used to feel. But now, suddenly, I liked treating every patient I saw, saving lives and making lives better had become amazing again.  
  
Mine and Luka's relationship became stronger and eventually we became normal again, he was overprotective still but I had the feeling Luka was over every woman, he certainly had been with Abby. And I was glad of having him there to protect me, I was never worried or scared when I was with Luka, I was just happy. There were no mixed feelings, no complication- I loved him, plain and simple. My life was back on track and I was starting to enjoy it once again.  
  
The only thing that wasn't back on track was my friendship with Abby. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was wrong but Abby seemed distant these days. Her and Carter had broken up once again not long after my attack and a part of me wondered if she thought I was to blame, after all me and Carter did spend a lot of time together after it. But she understood me and carter were friends, that we'd had a past that her and Luka were never part of, at least I thought she understood that.  
  
*******************  
  
Dr Lewis, incoming trauma. A man of about 34, MVA. Susan nodded, pulling on a pair of gloves and heading to the ambulance bay. Haleh raised her arm and Susan rushed over, getting the bullet before looking down at the victim.  
  
Her world stopped, the colours around her faded to grey and she could hear no noise, she turned, seeing Luka, standing at the admit. desk, laughing with Frank. She turned again to face the man in front of her. He looked weak. His eyes were closed, his face was bruised. He looked pathetic. He body was limp and battered. He looked almost dead.   
  
Everything she had achieved over the past weeks disappeared, fading into obscurity. She felt herself shake at the memory of how his face used to be, he was a shadow of his former self, just like her. He was on the edge of dying but she didn't want to save him. Why should he be saved? What had he ever done right.   
  
People around her were shouting commands but she had the attention of Luka now. He was walking over, she could tell he was. Still the nurses were shouting at her trying to bring her from her deep slumber, trying to break the wall of thoughts that fenced her in. She was numb, unable to move or respond.  
  
Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder and she watched as Luka peered over her, staring at the man on the gurney in front of her. She felt his hand tense around her shoulder and she stepped back, pushing Luka away also. She looked up at him, seeing the glaring expression on his face. Still she was numb, unable to speak to even him. She could see his mouth moving, yet she was unsure if words were coming out. Eventually she heard them, almost in slow motion, almost deeper than before.  
  
Call the police, now.  
  
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	28. Everything I've Always Wanted

I'm back. It's short, but short is sweet, right? I've taken a bit of a break from this as I started work on another fic but that isn't working out too great right at this very moment. School has been getting on top of me these last few weeks, I'm back and I have all weekend to get down to writing. Please review, I need to know that you guys are still all around! As always, enjoy!  
  
  
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**Chapter 28: Everything I've Always Wanted  
**  
  
Susan ran, bolting to the ladies toilets as quickly as she could. She sobbed, letting the tears fall quickly past her cheek and off the edge of her face. She threw up as soon as she reached the stall, heaving violently.  
  
His face ran through her mind over and over. Replaying perfectly. She could smell him, taste him, feel his touch against her shivering skin. The night am back to her in a flash and all thoughts of happiness were destroyed.  
  
This was the moment she had been dreading, the moment she had been putting off. The police would want to ask more questions now, make her do an identity parade or something. If he lived that was.  
  
If he lived. The thought rattled through her brain like a mine train. If he lived. Surely he didn't deserve do? If he lived. Indeed. She threw up again, not able to control her furiously vomiting. Not that it was particular new to her. Over the last few days it had been getting worse. Every morning without fail the queasiness would come over her. She knew what it was she wasn't stupid- she was a doctor after all. She was just still hoping that it wasn't. Susan loved kids, it just didn't mean she wanted one of her own.   
  
Abby's voice rang out loudly in the empty bathroom. Susan sniffled, trying to hold back the tears that were creating the only sound to be heard. Abby smiled lightly, walking over to the stall where Susan lay, crouched on the floor.  
  
Oh, guess you found me. Abby smiled, gently crouching to Susan's level. She placed her hand on Susan's, leaving it gently resting on top.  
  
I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you. Susan shook her head about to speak. No I haven't been there. It's just hard, y'know? Susan nodded gently.  
  
I know exactly what you mean. She paused. I'm going to be sick again. Abby held back her hair as she wretched into the bowl once more.  
  
You okay? She asked as Susan finally stopped, going back to her resting position on the floor. She nodded.  
  
This has been going on for a while now, I'm kind of used to it. Abby furrowed her brows, slightly confused.  
  
Are you ill again?' Susan smiled.  
  
No Abby, I'm pregnant. Abby stepped backwards in shock. A gasp forming on her moist lips.   
  
Susan smiled.  
  
I think so. I'm not sure I haven't done a blood test yet. Or a sonogram for that matter. Abby smiled, giving Susan a hug.  
  
Oh my god, you're going to be a mom! Susan pulled a face, wondering what had happened to her normally sombre friend. Abby, seeing her face, pulled one of her own. You're not happy about this? Susan frowned, rubbing her forehead with her fingertips.  
  
Abby, how do I know. How do I know if the baby isn't his? Susan pointed to the door, letting the sobbing wash over her as she burst into tears once more. Abby sighed, gathering her up into her arms.  
  
It's okay. It's Luka's , it's not going to be his. I promise, you hear me? I promise you. That creep is going to go to jail just as soon as the police get here and and then you, you and Luka are going to do that blood test and that sonogram... together. And you're going to see your baby Susan- okay? Susan nodded, the tears still falling, now onto Abby's hair. Abby tried to smile as that familiar feeling went off in her stomach. First the explosion then the fireworks and then... that boom of everything going completely numb. She missed him, se loved him. The past few weeks had been hell. She'd spent them ignoring both Luka and Susan as much as possible changing shifts, walking a different way to work and never visiting Doc Magoos. She's been cold and downright rude on some occasions. She'd been jealous, dangerously jealous. But now, sitting here with her best friend a crumpled mess in her arms, crying her heart out and soaking Abby's shoulder, she couldn't help but love her. And forgive her, not that she needed to be forgiven. Susan and Luka were happy, Abby couldn't believe she'd ever tried to mess that up.  
  
Is Luka okay? Abby smiled as Susan pulled away to look at her. She nodded, laughing slightly.  
  
I can't believe you're worried about _him ._ Susan smiled.  
  
You worried about the people you love. I'm always worried about Luka, I just, I don't want him to do anything stupid. Abby smiled, once again trying to stop a tear from falling down her cheek.  
  
He wouldn't, he's too scared that him being rash will hurt you. Abby smiled again, pulling fully away from Susan and wrapped an arm protectively around her shoulder, she lead her gently toward the door. I've never seen him like this over a girl before. Susan smiled, stopping for a breather just in front of the door.  
  
I don't know if I can do this. Abby nodded, gently putting an arm on her shoulder once again.  
  
Sure you can, just remember once you get through this, remember what you're going to have. _Everything I've always wanted. _Abby sighed as Susan opened the door, heading into the ER once again.  
  
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	29. That's My Baby

Im back. It's been a long time and for a while there I lost my inspiration. But today I went over to forums4fans Lusan thread and found everyone was posting again! So I decided the best way to educate people to the greatness we have in that thread was to write another chapter and to make fanfic.net more equal again! Have you seen how many carbies there are!? Don't get me wrong I'm not anti-carby at all but its just not a healthy balance! Okay I'll stop rambling but if you enjoy the fic come check us out at:  
  
  
  
I hope that works! All my love to Norla and Jasna and the newbie lilivonschtupp. See I bothered to write it out that time! Okay I lied I copied and pasted. It's just soooo much to remember! Okay guys, **REVIEW** and then come and visit us some time I can discuss the story there and any ideas are much appreciated.  
  
  
  
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**Chapter 29: That's My Baby**  
  
Luka kicked a lump of snow hard, letting it fall flatly to the ground. He grunted, pounding his right fist into his left palm repeatedly. He grimaced at an approaching Kerry, head slung low against her chest. He tapped his foot impatiently until she arrived, trying anything he could think of to control his anger. To control the overwhelming urge he had to run into the ER and beat a dying man to death.  
  
Is he dead? Kerry raised her head looking at Luka. She pursed her lips, placing a hand on his shoulder carefully. She signalled at a bench with her head. He nodded, heading over to sit down at it.   
  
Perhaps you want to rephrase that question? Luka sighed, burrowing his head deeply into his hands and sighing again.  
  
I'm sorry. She nodded, placing a reassuring hand on his back.  
  
I understand. I would be upset too. You are doing a good job, stay calm. I know it's hard but we can't let a prejudice like this stop us saving a patient. Luka nodded, Kerry had confirmed everything he knew.  
  
Who is treating him?  
  
Chen and Pratt. Haleh and Yosh are in there too. He's in a bad state. Luka snorted.  
  
If you're expecting me to give him any sympathy- Kerry interrupted him mid sentence shaking her head firmly.  
  
No, but I don't think you want him to die Luka, I certainly don't. Luka raised his eyebrows but Kerry continued. I want to see him punished and this- this isn't punishment- this is the easy way out. He nodded thoughtfully. I've called the police- they should be here any minute. I want you to talk to them first- before Susan.  
  
I will. Do you know where she is? Kerry nodded, pointing towards the open doors of the ER where Susan was strolling out into the cold, lab coat wrapped firmly around her. Luka watched as Abby followed her, a friendly hand placed on Susan's shoulder.  
  
He smiled at the shaking figure that walked towards him, getting up quickly to meet her. She was shivering and he took off his lab coat, wrapping it over the top of hers. She smiled as he hugged her, desperately trying to warm her up. She could still feel the drips falling down her face but she didn't matter instead she smiled as the fell off her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around Luka smiling so much it hurt.  
  
So Dr Luka Kovac- are you okay? She smiled at the husky tone of his voice, looking down at the name on the lab coat that covered her. Susan nodded.  
  
I have to talk to you. Luka leant over slightly, making himself her level and gazing into her eyes. Susan couldn't help but smile.  
  
I guess that should be okay- if my diary is free that is. She smiled. The police are coming. She nodded, sighing gently.   
  
It's not about that. He nodded.  
  
Oh. Okay. He smiled, not being able to resist the urge to kiss her. She kissed him back for a minute, enjoying his soft lips. Finally they parted. Luka looked up, spotting an approaching policeman. Let's do this.  
  
************  
  
Abby smiled as she watched Luka and Susan exit the room where they had spent the best part of the afternoon with a police officer. They were hand in hand and Susan was smiling. Abby smiled widely as she watched them exited the ER and head up to the roof. She sighed, a little sad at finally watching it slip away. She knew it was going, it didn't make it any easier to let go of though. She had loved him, maybe he was the first thing except drink that she ever really loved.   
  
Well done. Abby turned to look at the figure standing next to her. He wore a small smile on his up turned lips. He had startled her but now she smiled, taking his hand in hers.  
  
For what? They both laughed as she bowed her head, trying not to blush.  
  
For saying good-bye. I'm proud of you. Carter smiled, sighing. If you love someone-  
  
Set them free. She laughed gently again. I know, Carter.  
  
He's happy. Abby looked towards him again, once again smiling broadly, remarkably proud of her actions.  
  
So is she. Carter blushed.  
  
You always could read me like a book. He laughed. You reckon they are the reason we didn't work out? She shook her head.  
  
Carter scrunched his eyes accusingly. We were always too good as friends Carter. He laughed.  
  
Oh, right. He blushed again, this time Carter being the one who bowed his head.  
  
The sex was good though. He let out a loud laugh, Abby capturing his undivided attention once more.  
  
She laughed also, throwing back her head in a fit of giggles.  
  
What it's true! You should be proud. You gave me good sex Carter! She laughed again, realising how much she had missed him. Not as a lover, although she wasn't lying the sex was good, she just missed this. Her and Carter as friends, laughing together at themselves and the rest of the world. She missed Luka because she loved him. Her and Luka had never been friends, they never could do the friendship thing. But her and Carter were always something different. No-one had ever made her laugh like he did.  
  
I love you Abby. She smiled, squeezing his hand tightly. Not like I love Susan, more. She smiled again.  
  
I love you too Carter. She paused, smiling. Not like I love Luka, more. He smiled, walking towards the admit desk, laughing gently to himself. Oh and Carter. He turned.  
  
Yes Abby my love. She laughed at his sheer goofiness.  
  
Im proud of you too.  
  
*********************  
  
The night air cooled Susan's face gently. The moon shone brightly, throwing her and Luka a little lightness at least. She could only just about make out his handsome features in the light but his smile gleamed brightly and his skin shone. His hair blew gently in the wind and she smiled as she watched him. She was standing by the wall, looking across the city. She shivered but stopped as she felt a warming arm slink across her lower back, pulling her into Luka's warm body.   
  
He kissed her softly, trying to warm her cool lips. He rubbed his hands across her back, trying to warm her. She giggled like a schoolgirl, wrapping her arms around his waist. She looked up at him, realising there would be no more perfect moment to tell him.  
  
He smiled, looking down on her. He nodded, staring deeply into her eyes. I have something to tell you.  
  
Go right ahead. She smiled, trying to build up the courage to let out the words.  
  
It was all so easy, so simple. She loved him, she was pretty sure that he loved her and yet her head swam with insecurities. She knew he would love this baby, she already loved it. Yet something held her back. This was as perfect a moment as any and yet it still stopped her. The invisible wall of doubt that always held her back from everything. Suddenly a shooting star flew across the sky, breaking her thoughts.  
  
Luka smiled at her face as it glistened in the reflection of the shooting star.  
  
You are so beautiful. She blushed, glad of the darkness. So what's so important? She smiled again, turning to face him and taking both his hands in hers. She took his right hand placing it on her stomach carefully. Susan waited a moment, still not entirely sure of his reaction, of her own reaction. She did want this. She wanted this baby and she wanted him, but she couldn't help but feel insecure. Vulnerable and insecure.  
  
I'm pregnant, Luka. Susan waited for a moment, watching for his reaction. Suddenly her doubts flew out of the window as she watched his face gleam brightly with a glow of happiness. His eyes lit up like a child's as he stared at her stomach, moving his other hand to rest across her stomach as well.   
  
That's my baby. He raised a hand to his mouth before he pulled her into a hug, being careful not to knock her stomach, before joining their lips in a passionate kiss.   
  
_That's his baby.  
  
_****************  
  



	30. Complicated

Hey guys, especially Norla, Jasna, Susan Lewis and Maddie! And everyone else that posts on the Lusan board over at forums4fans.com! If anyone is interested in posting just e-mail me and I'll send you over the addy straight away! This chapter was hard for me to write because it means a lot to me. I have grown rather attached to Susan, Luka et all over the course of writing this! Hehe, it's just lost the flow a little but don't worry, it's not going to stop just yet, I have a few tricks up my sleeve before it's over...  
  
**ENJOY! **and of course, always **REVIEW!!!  
  
************  
  
**Chapter 30: Complicated**  
  
Too cold? She shook her head, smiling as the jelly squeezed onto her bare stomach. She watched the screen, waiting for it to click into action. Luka smiled at her, sliding the device around her stomach carefully, watching the black and white picture flicker.  
  
That's our baby, Susan She gasped, trying not to shed a tear.  
  
He turned, reluctantly. Not wanting to take his eyes off the screen for a moment. She was about to begin when The door opened, a blushing Carter walking in.  
  
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh my god. Susan laughed as Carter watched the screen, captured by the vague shape of a baby.  
  
It's okay Carter. He smiled, moving forwards to take a closer look. She offered her hand and he took it, squeezing it proudly.   
  
That's, its a, a baby. Susan laughed loudly.  
  
Well done, doofus! He smiled, squeezing her hand again. Luka laughed also, stroking Susan's leg affectionately.  
  
It's perfect. Susan smiled at Luka, who was transfixed by the screen also.  
  
I didn't know, you didn't tell me! Susan laughed again, looking up at Carter's blushing expression.  
  
I only just found out myself. He smiled.  
  
I'll go, this is your moment. Carter looked back at the screen again before heading out the door.  
  
So, what did you have to tell me this time? Susan sighed, her face dropping.  
  
The baby. She sighed again, closing her eyes. How do we know. Luka outstretched his hand taking hers in his gently.  
  
You're not far enough gone for it to be his. Luka smiled. It's okay, I'm guessing three weeks, maybe four. It's our baby Susan, it's our baby. She smiled again, kissing his hand gently. The relief swooshed over her as she stared at hers and Luka's baby, jiggling around happily on the screen.  
  
***************************  
  
Abby smiled as she watched the two gaze happily at the screen in front of them. She sighed, half of her wishing it was her the other half so happy for her friends it hurt. Her friends. She smirked to herself, realising she was probably the worst friend anyone in the world could ever have. She watched them again, making a resolution to be a better friend. If anyone needed a friend right now it was Susan.  
  
Abby's mind wandered back to the lunch she had spent with Carter, she really had missed having him as a friend. It was strange but it hadn't been awkward at all, it was the very opposite in fact, she'd actually felt the most comfortable she'd been with anyone in a long time.  
  
She stood still for a few moments, watching the baby bob around on screen. Abby had always loved babies, and watching sonograms. Being able to see a baby inside of someone had always amazed her. She watched as Luka turned, catching her peering through the glass. She blushed, embarrassed at being caught. He smiled, grinning once more before turning back to the screen. She noticed him joining his hand with hers, kissing it softly and mumbling something inaudible.   
  
Good Luck. Abby whispered at the glass, heading back towards the desk.  
  
***************************  
  
It's been 40 minutes. Jing-Mei looked over towards Pratt, catching his eye before lowering her glaze.   
  
Time of death 17.05. Pratt shook his head. He heard Haleh sigh as she exited the room, mumbling something under her breath.  
  
****************************  
  
Dr Weaver? Kerry turned to face the petite chinese doctor, slightly taken off guard at her presence in the room. Taken aback as she was, it took her a few moments to regain her composure. Finally she sat up flicking her hair out of one eye and straightening her shirt.  
  
Kerry nodded her head slightly, acknowledging her presence in the room. She frowned, wondering what her problem was this time. She didn't like Chen, never had if she was to be perfectly honest. To Kerry she had always seemed too self absorbed, too calculating, too concerned with what she could get out of everything. Kerry didn't doubt her abilities as a doctor but that didn't mean she had to like her. She looked back down at her charts, waiting to listen to her latest niggle.  
  
It's a patient of mine, uh, Charlie Dixon. Kerry snapped back into attention, turning around sharply to look at her. The two pairs of eyes met, each pair transfixed with the other. They both knew how important what Jing-Mei was about to say was.  
  
  
  
He died. Kerry watched intensely as Jing-Mei lowered her head, letting her chin rest gently on her chest for a moment or two. Kerry sighed, bringing a hand to her mouth and clasping her face lightly with it. There was nothing we could do, the extent of his injuries was too horrific.   
  
Kerry sat back in her chair, letting herself come to her senses. Suddenly she realised how stupid she had been. Jing-Mei had no idea who this man was, what he had done. The only reason she was here right now was because Kerry had requested someone seek her out and tell her the outcome of the case. Jing-Mei was here because she wanted to cover her own back, not out of loyalty to Susan. To look after herself. Kerry shook her head, telling herself how stupid this line of thought was. Jing-Mei had no idea who this man was, that's why Kerry had let her work on him. There was no way she could know, there was no way no could be loyal to Susan when she didn't even know what had happened. Sure, Kerry didn't like her as a person but she had no doubt in her mind that she was a good one. To Jing-Mei a patient had been lost.  
  
Thank you Jing-Mei. Kerry smiled at Jing-Mei briefly, before once again turning to her charts. She waited for a moment, expecting the door to close.  
  
I'm sorry Dr Weaver, was he a friend of yours? Kerry couldn't help but scoff. She smiled gently to herself, realising Jing-Mei must believe it was Kerry who knew the man. It was understandable given the circumstances, after all Kerry had been adamant about knowing what happened.  
  
I wouldn't say that. She sighed, beginning to twiddle her thumbs. Could you find Dr Lewis for me? It's quite important that I speak to her.  
  
Okay, but I think she might be on a break. Kerry nodded.  
  
Just try, please. Jing-Mei nodded to herself, exiting the lounge and shutting the door as gently as she could.  
  
How in the hell am I going to do this. Kerry spoke aloud to herself as she leaned back gently into her chair, pushing her pile of charts aside and beginning to lose herself deep in thought. It's just so god damn complicated.  
**  
*****************


	31. A Whole New Can of Worms

Try this, see if it's okay. I'm testing the water, trying to write slightly differently and trying to think desperately of where to take this story, please review with any ideas! It was difficult to write but I've written chapter 32 as well, its just not wuite ready to go up just yet. More Jing-Mei and Kerry at the moment... see what you think...**  
  
Chapter 31: A Whole New Can of Worms**  
  
Susan nodded slightly, joining her hands with his as they took the first step towards the door. She watched intensely as he reached forwards for the handle, his warm skin colliding with the cold metal as a million thoughts ran through her mind.  
  
The words were loud and solemn. She had no idea how or why they had escaped from her mouth at that very moment but she did know that they had to be said. Opening the door meant opening a whole new can of worms. Knowing Dix was out there was one thing, knowing he was lying in the ER on a gurney was quite another.  
  
Luka had flinched at the sound of her voice but his clasp on her hand had remained tight. He cocked his head slightly, catching a glimpse of her through the corner of his eye. He sighed silently, no sound escaping from his mouth at all as he turned his body fully, bringing himself closer to her shaking form.  
  
Whatever happens, I will be here. Susan smiled, clutching his face in her hands as she shook her head.  
  
I have to do this on my own Luka.   
  
No. No you don't. Susan watched as Luka shook his head decisively, taking her waist in his hands as he did so. She watched him closely wondering what he was thinking right at this very moment. She loved Luka, but she couldn't help thinking that she didn't really know him at all. On the outside he seemed he wonderfully strong, so together but she knew inside he was weaker than most. That he was a broken man, and that she wasn't so sure if she could fix him. His ambition to tell others endeared him to her. She liked the way he tended to her, cared for her, tried to protect her. But this, this was different. This was her battle, not his.  
  
She smiled softly and at that moment Luka realised that he had to let her do this on her own. She was going to come back. Danjela was gone, but Susan was still here. He couldn't wrap her up, as much as he would have liked too.   
  
I know. She nodded, capturing his lips briefly in her own as she walked out of the door, glancing backwards briefly to shoot him a fleeting good-bye. She headed for the admit desk.  
  
She turned to face a tired looking Jing-Mei. She smiled, watching the pretty oriental doctor struggle to regain her composure.  
  
What did you do? Run a marathon? Jing-Mei let out a friendly laugh as she finally managed to catch her breath.  
  
I have been searching for you, I even went to Doc's! Susan smiled again, a bemused look appearing on her face. Weaver wants you, she's in the lounge, she said it was important.  
  
You did all this for Weaver? Susan laughed again, shaking her head slightly as she watched Jing-Mei shrug.  
  
I've just killed a patient, I wanted to keep my job. She smiled, walking off towards the admit. desk. If I was you I'd go and see her, she seemed kind of anxious to see you.  
  
The thought ran through her mind and made her want to scream. To scream at the top of her voice and make as much noise as she possibly could. He was dead, gone forever and now she could never let him suffer. She could never let him know the pain that he had caused her and he would never get to see that she had moved on. That she was having a baby and that she had a man that loved her more than anything. Dix would never get to see that he didn't break her. He dented the surface sure, but he didn't break her. She didn't shatter. Susan Lewis was stronger than he could ever had imagined and she was still willing to fight.   
  
But he was gone. Gone forever and he would never know. She would never get to stand in court and watch him be sentenced to life imprisonment. She would be left with the reality that he had the easy way out, that he didn't have to fight, that he never faced his punishment. Not his real one. He had hurt her more than anything else in the world, and he had got away with it.   
  
Kerry watched Susan from across the room. She was stood perfectly still, not an ounce of movement in her pale form. Her eyes had glazed over and they were permanently transfixed, staring hard down at the floor.   
  
She took a step closer, standing still for a moment and leaning her weight against her crutch before continuing. Susan remained motionless as she approached, her golden blonde hair swaying softly back and forth in the draft as it swept in from outside.  
  
Kerry didn't like the way her voice sounded. It sounded cold, unusually harsh. She had never been a compassionate woman, she had never showed much love towards anyone, especially not her co-workers. But nevertheless Kerry didn't like to think of herself as cold. She cared, she was a doctor after all. Susan was someone she really did have feelings for. They went back a long way and although they had never been the best of friends they had always shared a mutual respect that had seemed to grown of late, particularly since Susan's attack.   
  
Can I see him. The body I mean. Can I see it. Kerry nodded gently, placing a hand on the small of Susan's back as she ushered her towards the lounge.  
  
Are you sure. Kerry signalled towards the table but Susan shook her head defiantly, scared that sitting would change her mind. This was her battle. She needed to fight this, for her own piece of mind if nothing else. Dix was gone, but she hadn't said her good-bye just yet.  
  
I want to see him Kerry. Kerry nodded.  
  
He's in a bad way. Susan nodded, heading for the door. You don't want Luka to be there?  
  
I have to do this on my own. Kerry watched as the blonde doctor stood outside the lounge, waiting for here to lead the way. The ER seemed unusually quiet as they passed through it. The colour and life seemed to have faded. They was little sound and almost complete silence had fallen over her surrounding, the colour in the area had turned to grey, her vision blurred and fuzzy as she lead Susan into the room.


	32. A Single Tear

Chapter 32: A Single Tear  
  
There he lay, dead. Very dead. More dead than Susan had imagined. She watched as Kerry stood aside, avoiding eye contact as she stepped away. Susan sighed deeply, trying to gain a little strength from the stale oxygen she breathed in.   
  
Dix lay ahead of her. The man she despised so much, the man that once upon a time she had also loved so much. Her feelings were currently in a state of limbo, merged into a larger, more powerful feeling. She couldn't describe the pain or hurting that she felt at that very moment, all she knew was that this couldn't be it. She wouldn't let this be the way she felt forever, not hate nor love, just... just impassiveness.   
  
His face was bruised and almost ugly. His features had become distorted, even more so than the last time she had clamped eyes on him in the ambulance bay. The funniest thing was a part of her missed him. Not the man that lay dead in front of her but the man she once knew. The man that existed a long time ago. The man who had a laugh that could melt the coldest of hearts, the man who had the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen, the man who she had loved with all her heart. The man the vile creature in front of her wasn't. Someone he never knew, someone this monster could never be.  
  
A memory swept over her, making her gasp for breath as she recalled the day she had fallen for him completely. It had been a hot day, an extraordinarily hot day. Everyone day is hot in Phoenix but this was the hottest she had ever experienced. Dix had been out, tending to the cows. She had been bored out of her mind, unable to do anything in the sweltering heat and so had decided to visit him. She could remember every detail of the scene when she had entered the ranch. The hot sun on her bare shoulders, the single breeze that she had been so eternally grateful for and that smile. The smile that had captured her heart as she had strolled into the field. He was on his horse, buttercup, when he had spotted her. The smile he had given her was unimaginable to anyone who hadn't been there in the moment, hadn't been able to capture the smile for themselves. It glistened in the sun, his perfect white teeth gleaming. Then he had laughed. The laugh that had melted her insides. The laugh that had made her fall in love with him. The moment was something she would remember forever. His eyes had been the bluest she had ever seen, his hair blonder from the sun, his skin glowing and tanned.... everything about him had seemed so perfect.   
  
A single tear dripped from her chin as she wondered how it had got to this. How this hate had filled her body, her being. How the love had disappeared. How Dix had changed into a monster, someone she didn't recognise.  
  
His skin was grey, his body lifeless. Slowly reaching out her hand she touched him, her body jumping as she felt the coldness of his arm. He looked so bitter, so angry. But most of all he looked so miserable, so lonely and most of all so lost. She had always liked the fact that Dix had always known what he wanted, he had wanted her that night and he had got her. Now he looked so lost it pained her. It pained her even more that this man could make her so lost, that even through his death he could make her shiver, make her so very scared.  
  
This was good-bye. As the words gently clicked off her tongue and pronounced themselves into the cool air quietly she shivered, allowing another tear to pass silently down her face. She reached forward once more, touching his face softly as she whispered the word again.  
  
Good bye.  
  
*******************


	33. I Always Hated Grey Skies

The latest chapter! After much pressure from Maddie (love ya girl!) it's here pretty quickly. I like this chapter, Luka makes me smile in it, I can actually imagine Luka saying this. I always hated grey skies, always, it just seemed appropriate to me. I think everything Luka says here is kinda how I feel about them too, anyway enough from me, enjoy and **REVIEW**, I only got like one for the last chapter!   
  
This is for everyone at forums4fans.com in the Lusan thread, I love all you guys and this is for you- for keeping me working at this thing! It is also for everyone, or anyone, who ever hated a grey sky.   
  
**  
  
Chapter 33: I Always Hated Grey Skies  
**  
  
Luka looked up as he watched Abby approach him quietly, her hands carefully linked together, her finger entwined closely together.  
  
He couldn't muster a smile, as hard as he tried it wouldn't pass over his lips and so he instead looked up at the darkening sky, watching as the sun shrank away and clouds filled the empty spaces quickly, providing a complete blanket over the Earth.   
  
He shivered as a single snowflake hit his hand, melting quickly into nothing but a single speck of water against his skin. He watched as a couple more fell softly, never making a sound. His daze was awoken my the touch of Abby's arm against his own as she sat next to him, her body warming his own.  
  
It's not good is it. Abby sat silently for a moment, not entirely sure of Luka's meaning. She sat still as she waited for him to elaborate further. The weather I mean. She watched as he turned to look at her, blushing slightly. She smiled, letting out a tiny laugh as she watched his deep olive skinned cheeks turned a reddish colour. It was the first time she had ever seen Luka blush. He never showed her any emotion, not even when they were together.  
  
No, it's not. Luka nodded, looking back up at the sky and murmuring as snowflakes fell against the bare skin on his face.   
  
I always hated grey sky. Luka laughed slightly. It always reminded me of pain. Of sadness. Abby nodded, taking a cigarette from her pocket and lighting it up.  
  
It reminds me of being lonely. Luka nodded before smelling the smoke and turning to face Abby once again. Shaking his head his moved a hand to her mouth, carefully removing the smoking cigarette from her mouth slowly. She watched as he through it into a nearby pile of smoke. She thought of protesting but instead simply sat in silence, watching as the cigarette smouldered in the pile of snow, a small train of smoke escaping into the grey air above.  
  
Quit that shit. Luka said solemnly as he got to his feet, shaking his head. It will kill you Abby.  
  
Abby's voice was loud but it was too late, he had already gone.  
  
***************  
  
Abby stood for a moment, shaking her head as she took another cigarette from her packet and lit it up quickly, ignoring the pang of guilt that ran through her. Luka had no authority over her life, she wasn't about to let him lecture her on the health risks involved with smoking.  
  
She flinched, startled at the voice. She turned, sighing with relief to the pretty blonde doctor that stood in front of her. She smiled broadly at Susan visibly shaken figure, raising her eyebrows with concern as she inhaled the cigarette and blew out a fountain of smoke into the air.  
  
You okay? Susan nodding, not convincing Abby in the slightest. Why don't I believe you.  
  
I'm a bad liar. Abby smiled, letting out a small laugh as she signalled towards the empty spot next to her on the bench. I really have to find Luka. Abby shook her head.  
  
Can't even spare a moment? She flashed her best puppy dog look, smiling as sweetly as she could muster.  
  
Only if you dispose of that immediately. Abby sighed, throwing the cigarette into the pile of snow the other one had fallen pray to. I don't want to die of passive smoking Abby. Susan smiled, placing a hand on her stomach instinctively. Abby smiled broadly, reaching out and placing a hand on her friends stomach.  
  
Isn't it amazing.  
  
What- smoking? Susan said in mock-seriousness before letting out a laugh.  
  
You know I mean the baby. Ab by smiled, her hand still firmly position against Susan's stomach. Was the scan okay? Susan nodded her head, taking a seat beside Abby.  
  
Uh-huh all clear. She smiled, her eyes glazing over. It's Luka's baby, Abby, it's really his. Abby smiled, pulling her friend into a tight hug. Abby let out a small laugh, trying to to cry herself as she pulled away.  
  
What did I tell you, huh? Abby smiled again. Oh my god, you're having a baby.  
  
I know, it's freaking me out a little right now. Abby smiled politely as she took in a another deep breath of the cold air, wishing she was inhaling from a cigarette right at this very moment. She turned to face Susan who was at that very moment staring up into the sky, transfixed by the clouds. Abby smiled, remembering Luka's similar action from earlier. I miss the sun.  
  
Thinking about moving back to Phoenix? Susan shrugged, continuing her gaze towards the sky.  
  
I can't. Anyway when I'm there I miss this place too much, Chicago is my home- whether I enjoy the weather or not!  
  
Luka would move for you. Susan shook her head, bringing her gaze back to Abby.  
  
No he wouldn't and I wouldn't ever ask him too. Abby nodded, looking up towards the sky and sighing.  
  
A bit of sun would be nice though. Susan smiled, nodding enthusiastically.  
  
Maybe I can get him to take me on holiday somewhere hot, barbados was pretty great! Abby groaned.  
  
Stop showing off! Anyway two ER doctors having a week off you must be kidding!  
  
Ah I guess, it would be nice though. Susan smiled, sighing gently. I could do with a break. Abby nodding, reaching her arm around Susan's shoulder and hugging her softly.  
  
How are _things? _  
  
_Things _are fine, good actually. Susan smiled, resting her head lightly against Abby's arm and smiling. Dix is dead. Abby's face dropped as she processed what Susan had just said. She pulled away from her, looking down into her eyes.  
  
Susan shook her head.  
  
It's okay, I'm okay. She sighed loudly, slouching down on the bench. I just, I don't know how I feel right now if I'm being perfectly honest. It just doesn't make sense.  
  
Oh god. Abby pulled her friend once again into a hug sighed softly as she felt another pang of guilt run through her body. She laughed at herself inwardly as she once again recalled her jealously towards Susan. How could she be jealous of this? Abby didn't want this kind of emotion turmoil, this kind of pain.   
  
It's okay. Look I'm sorry but I really have to find Luka. Abby nodded, shooing Susan with her hands and watching her retreat. She waved briefly, before shaking her head and looking back up at the sky.  
  
She must have done something really bad in a past life. Abby whispered quietly to herself reaching once more ito her coat pocket.  
  
*********


	34. Windows to the Soul

**Chapter 34: Windows to the Soul**  
  
Their eyes met across the crowded ER. They stood perfectly still, like a pair of stone statues, neither wanting to make the first move, neither knowing what to say. Her eyes glistened a vivid green in the natural light, her hair blew softly in the gentle breeze. He watched silently as the few beams of lights bounced off her hair, making it gleam intensely.   
  
His eyes were stationary, two dark pools of warmth that stared intensely at her. Gazing through the windows to her soul and making her heart race faster. He waited, not noticing the stray strands of fringe flopping over his eyes. He waited more, still not willing, not ready to take the first step. He almost instinctively knew the answer to his burning question but it still had to be asked.  
  
She stepped forwards, her breathing heavy as she did so. Her mirrored her action, taking a step also. She bowed her head and he rushed forwards again, taking a firm hold of her in his muscular arms as she began to sob. He pulled her closely to his chest, letting her cold and shaking body be warmed by his. He rested his chin on her head, allowing her to continue sobbing as he closed his eyes, praying silently that this was the end of the nightmare.  
  
***********  
  
I'm not exactly sure. Carter smiled at the dolled up assistant, noticing the obvious foundation line that ran across her neck and trying desperately to suppress a laugh. He imagined what Susan and Abby would make of this creature, how they would rip into her in an instant. He smiled again politely as she reached for another bracelet, a white gold one. He noticed how beautiful it was in contrast to her. Her make-up was brash and her roots a deep shade of brown, a rather stark contrast to her platinum blonde hair. Her teeth were blindingly white and her skirt was short to say the least. But she was helpful enough and he valued her opinion, she was certainly wearing very beautiful jewellery herself.  
  
What do you think? Its white gold, they are real diamonds and these are sapphires. She pointed to a string of blue gems that were dotted across the bracelet in some kind of pattern. Its one of a kind. Carter nodded, deep in thought.  
  
************  
  
The silence had finally been broken  
  
Susan watched as he stared at her, his brown eyes shooting through her and penetrating her soul, make her shiver from the tips of her toes. She looked deeply into her eyes, they were sore from crying but they glistened as Luka watched them intensely.  
  
He loved her at that moment more than ever.   
  
************  
  
Abby looked up, bringing her weary head up from its resting place in her hands to look up at Jing-Mai. She rubbed at her eyes realising she must have fallen asleep.  
  
The lounge was bathed in dim mid-evening light and her surroundings seemed unusually dull and lifeless. Abby rubbed at her eyes again, trying to focus them on the door opposite her. She heard Jing-Mei let out a giggle as her eyes finally kicked in, allowing her to see once more. She watched as Chen came closer to her.  
  
You should go home. Abby nodded looking down a her watch and letting out a groan.  
  
I was off an hour ago. She groaned again, hauling herself to her feet. Why didn't someone wake me? Jing-Mai giggled again, opening her locker and pulling out a jacket.  
  
I just did. Abby smiled, shaking her head and heading to her own locker. You getting the El? Abby nodded, pulling a coat from her locker and pulling over her shoulders.  
  
  
  
Mind some company. Abby smiled.  
  
Not at all. She pulled her scarf around her neck, tightening it securely. Have Luka and Susan gone yet? Jing-Mei shrugged, pulling a hat over her head.  
  
I think they went, but don't hold me to that. Abby nodded, heading for the door.  
  
  
  
************  
  
Goodnight Doctor Weaver. Kerry looked up, smiling briefly and using a hand to wave off Abby and Jing-Mai, who stood in front of her at the opposite side of the desk. She watched as the two descended towards the exit, chatting noisily. She smiled, looking back down at her chart and sighing.  
  
She looked around the almost empty ER, wishing that she wasn't the chief of it. SHe looked for a doctor, not seeing one she scrunched up her face in confusion, turning to Frank.  
  
Who's here? Frank shrugged.  
  
Not sure, I know Pratt's in Exam 1 with an ingrown toenail. Kerry nodded, wondering where everyone else had got to. Chen had just left, Susan and Luka had headed off a while ago but where was Carter? She sighed, too tired to find him, looking back down at her charts and praying a trauma didn't come in before Carter got back here.  
  
********  
  
Damn El train. Abby smiled as she watched Jing-Mai hop backwards and forwards between feet. She jiggled up and down also, pulling her coat more tightly around her shivering body.  
  
It had been a long day and she was tired. She feet ached and the muscles in her back felt tight and pained. She wondered where Luka was now, what he was doing. She couldn't deny she missed him still, but she knew that was all she could do, miss him.  
  
She looked over towards Jing-Mai, who she noticed had now stopped moving and was staring at her.   
  
Are you okay Abby? Abby smirked, nodding unconvincingly before once again looking away. She watched as the approaching El train neared the station, waiting for it to stop. She took a double take as she watched it crawl past, unable to hear the brakes. Slowly it seeped out of the station, continuing straight past her beady eyes. Jing-Mai cursed loudly in chinese.  
  
Jing-Mai looked over at her.   
  
I guess we aren't about to get home anytime soon then. Abby laughed, unable to contain herself any longer.   
  
  
  
Are you going to tell me the truth now?  
  
  
*************


	35. A Tumble of Shifting Dreams

Firstly, I am so very sorry that this took so long! There have been a series of mini-dramas, including losing the file and having to rewrite the chapter and fanfiction not working on several attempts! But, it's here. Once again thank you to everyone at f4f and to everyone at the channel4 forum, the next chapter will also be updated shortly. Anyway, remember to **review **and of course, enjoy.**  
  
Chapter 35: A Tumble of Shifting Dreams**  
  
  
You want a boy or a girl? Luka looked down at where Susan's rest was resting comfortably in his lap and smiled.  
  
I don't mind. He paused, scratching his head. What about you? Susan shrugged, smiling also and laying a hand over her uncovered stomach, where her t-shirt had risen up.  
  
I'm not sure, I just want a pretty baby! Luka laughed, shaking his head.  
  
All babies are beautiful! She shook her head also, a serious expression on her face.  
  
Nooooooooooooooo they are not! She laughed, getting up and walking over to her bag. She pulled out her purse and flicked it open, heading towards Luka as she did so. She smiled, sitting beside her and beckoning at a picture of a smiling baby. Luka laughed at the goofy child. See Chloe was possibly the ugliest child I have ever seen! Luka laughed again, shaking his head.  
  
She's not ugly, just a little... He paused, twisting his mouth awkwardly. Susan threw back her head, laughing loudly as she did so. She watched as Luka laughed also.  
  
Susie was pretty cute though. Susan pointed at another picture, smiling as she gazed at the photo of her and her niece as a baby. Even as a new-born Susie had been gorgeous. She had blonde hair and piercing blue eyes topped off by a mouth etched in a constant smile. Luka nodded.  
  
She looks like you. Susan smiled, taking back the purse and looking closer at the picture. We should visit them. Susan looked over at him, an inquisitive look pressed across her features.  
  
You sure about that? He smiled, still serious as he outreached a hand to touch her hair softly.  
  
Yeah. I don't know enough about you Susan- or your family. She laughed, touching his hand with her own.  
  
You know enough already. SHe smiled gently, her lips sliding in an upwards motion as she did so. You met Chloe- and my mother and father! He smiled.  
  
I liked them. The smile faded as he once more became serious. I like everything to do with you. Susan blushed, pushing the strand of stray fringe behind her ear as he kissed her softly. Susan? She smiled, kissing him gently before allowing him to speak once more. What happened today? She frowned.  
  
What do you mean? He smiled as he gently traced his fingertips across her forehead briefly, before continuing to speak.  
  
With Dix, you didn't really tell me about it. She sighed.  
  
I said good-bye. He looked into her eyes, willing her to continue. I said goodbye and I realised what I had lost. Luka raised his eyebrows.   
  
Doesn't seem like that much of a loss to me. Susan sat up, slightly startled, she got to her feet. Oh come on Susan, don't get mad. Luka shook his head, looking to the floor in disbelief.  
  
He was a good man Luka. Luka laughed.  
  
Sure he was Susan, believe what you want. He stood also, turning to face her. But answer me this, does a good man rape the woman he is supposed to love?  
  
Susan shook away the hand as he placed it softly on her shoulder. She walked to the door, not bothering to look back. Her forehead sting with anger, her head confused and dizzy with the heat that filled it. She was hot with rage, stunned with disbelief and angered by his stupidity. She left, unable to fight any more.  
  
**********  
  
He turned, groaning as he watched Kerry limp towards him on her crutch, he forced a smile, letting his puppy dog eyes shine brightly as he greeting his impending doom.  
  
He nodded, turning back to his locker and placing the velvet covered box inside carefully.  
  
What the hell are you playing at. I'm, already two doctors down, you know that, where the hell have you been!? She sighed. I thought you would have known better, Carter, I though you of all people would understand the shit Susan and Luka had been through, I thought I could depend on you to be here.  
  
Carter smirked, confused by the blame that was suddenly being heaped upon him by the small fiery redhead. Do not try to blame me for their problems. I love Susan very much and I like Luka, he's a good guy, I just took my break it took a little longer than expected. Jesus. Kerry's stare remained hard.  
  
One day Carter, you will grow up. And one day Carter, you will remember that you are no longer a med student, for your sake I hope that its sooner rather than later.  
  
Kerry! I was what, half an hour late?  
  
An hour and a half. She paused. We lost three patients because we did not have the staff. I blame you.  
  
You could have called me. She shook her head.  
  
I did, several times. He shook his head.  
  
I'm sorry, was there really no-one else.  
  
Who did you want me to call, Susan? He threw his hands into the air, letting out a loud grunt of frustration as he watched her head for the door.  
  
Kerry, this is not my fault.  
  
By the way, you're pulling a double.   
  
He watched as she slammed the door.   
  
*************  
  
Luka watched as the rays of light hit his face softly, the undressed window letting bounds of natural light spread across the room easily. He rubbed at his eyes, shifting as he tried to get comfortable on the sticky leather sofa. He sighed to himself, trying to remember what had gone wrong the previous night. Surely she didn't believe Dix was a good man, surely she didn't believe this had been a great loss.   
  
He had spent the night in a tumble of shifting dream like sequences. Every now and again waking in a cold sweat, unable to remember what had brought him into one. He had spend the night listening for her cry, her voice, her movements. He had heard nothing.  
  
Luka sat up, ruffling his hair with his fingers and squinting in the bright light. He missed her. She was in the next room but she seemed so far away, she distant and so untouchable. He had done this before, with Abby. Reaching and grasping at thin air only. He loved Susan, he had loved Abby, just not quite like this, with this burning, unquestionable passion that now fuelled him through his days, that provoked his every thought, that calmed and comforted him, that satisfied his every hunger, quenched his every thirst.   
  
The baby that grew inside her concerned him. He was so scared of letting it slip, of losing it as she seemed to have lost her at this very second. He wanted this so badly that it hurt, that it was all he seemed to want. He missed his children, and his wife, but he was gradually moving on, not forgetting, just moving on. Beginning to ache less deeply, the wound was healing and it no longer seemed entirely hopeless.   
  
You should get dressed. Her voice cut through his and he smiled as the gentle tone of it seeped into his being.  
  
I love you. He turned to face her and noticed her face was unchanged, her expression emotionless. He noticed she was pale, a slightly green tinge to her face and her eyes weary.  
  
You're going to be late. He frowned.  
  
Are you okay? He got up as she pointed towards the bathroom.  
  
The joys of being pregnant, seriously Luka go shower, you are going to be late.  
  
We need to talk. She nodded softly.   
  
He nodded also, heading towards the bathroom with a black cloud hovering firmly above his head.  
  
******************


	36. A Daze of Empty Days

Now you guys have to admit, this was pretty snappy- especially for me! But I couldn't hold this chapter in any longer. Its a strange one and there are parts of it I dislike- almost cut out completely to be honest but I thought they served a purpose, in fact they do, they most definitely do. A lot is happening and you guys are still there, sticking by me and writing those reviews. Once again a lot of love to those who make this all happen and who kept me going whilst I was ready to give up at chapter 13- its scary that I'm now on chapter 36 and still going strong- that's all down to the guys at f4f and channel 4, this is for you.  
  
Remember, as always, to read and **REVIEW!  
  
***********************  
  
Chapter 36: A Daze of Empty Days**  
  
Susan straightened out her black dress and sighed as she watched her reflected staring back at her. A daze of empty days, full of silence and loneliness had followed Dix's death. She had shut Luka out, suprising herself with her own coldness. Detaching herself from the situation without so much as a backwards glance. She loved him but she couldn't stand him, not this week. Dix was everything to her. Yes he had hurt her, very, very badly but that didn't stop the love. She loved him and whether Luka liked it or not she had to say goodbye.  
  
The past nights he has spent on the sofa, she had spend most of the time working or asleep,avoiding him by changing her shifts without his knowledge or simply going to bed as soon as she had arrived home. The fight has escalated and become a lot worse than she had imagined but after today everything would be okay again.   
  
She gulped as she felt a churning deep in her stomach, resisting the urge to be sick once again. Morning sickness was once more threatening to strike. She gulped once more, shaking her head stiffly and running a hand through her hair once more. She pulled over the black jacket, stepping into her shoes carefully. The speed at which the funeral had been organised had suprised even her but Dix had few relatives or friends and his mother had been keen to get on with things. She had been happy to hear from Susan, who she had regarded almost as a daughter in previous times. APparently she was unaware of her son's wrong doings and Susan planned to keep things this way, after all what harm would telling a few white lies to a saddened old woman do? Luka wouldn't understand, she didn't expect him too, she just needed to be there, to save face. His as much as her own.  
  
She looked over at her suitcase, dreading the forthcoming plane journey more and more as the seconds drew past. Still the funeral was tomorrow and if she wanted to be there she had little other choice. Drawing a breath deeply as she picked it up and headed to the kitchen. Picking up a biro she scribbled the note quickly. She sighed praying that he understood, praying that he forgave her, praying for the strength to carry on. She needed to say goodbye. That was her last thought as she headed for the door, kissing Luka lightly on the forehead and walking carefully away, keeping her footsteps as light as those of a ghost, silent and untraceable. She looked back only to glance at his sleeping form briefly, praying once more.  
  
  
**_Luka,  
  
I am in Phoenix as you read this. I have to say goodbye. I need you to understand this and I need you to forgive me.   
  
I love you,  
  
Susan X  
  
_**************  
  
The door opened gently, screeching slightly as it swung slightly open. The light seeped into the room. It illuminated the gloomy shadowed objects, reflecting softly from the windows and shining into wide eyes gracefully.  
  
The soft crushed blue velvet of the box tingled against the rough fingertips, caressingly them sensually. Two pairs of eyes were concentrated on the object, ignoring each others gaze and instead perplexed by the closed box.   
  
Carter looked up finally, stepping forwards into the apartment as he watched the other set of eyes move, turning so he could no longer see them and leading him inside, sending a cool shiver down his already tingling spine.  
  
***********************  
  
I always hated planes. The air hostess smiled politely, handing Susan a hot towel and flashing her pearly white teeth. Susan tapped her hands against her knees, shaking gently as she glanced outside.   
  
They soared past the fluffy clouds, the morning sun shining into the window. She took another deep breath, leaning back into her seat and closing her eyes. She pondered various things as she lay back in her seat, anxiously trying to lull herself to sleep. She wondered once more if this was the right thing to be doing. She had already said her goodbye- or was supposed to have anyway. It just didn't seem final, closed. She needed closure, but she also needed Luka.  
  
That thought scared her, she needed Luka so much and yet here she was walking away from him. Cutting him off, pushing him away. Without logical reasoning or thought. This seemed crazy- completely crazy. But for some unknown reason she was on this plane, and she just had to know.  
  
Excuse me. She opened her eyes quickly, catching glimpse of the blonde young man she had been seated next to. She grimaced, standing up so he could get back into his seat, slightly annoyed to have her thoughts interrupted. Suddenly the plane jerked and she felt, clumsily crashing into his side. He laughed, catching her effortlessly and steadying her.  
  
God, sorry. It caught me off guard. He smiled broadly, once again letting out an infectious laugh. Susan let out a giggle too, looking into his eyes and laughing once more as she blushed slightly. They were a vivid blue and looked almost fake against his tanned skin. She stood for a moment, memorised before coming once again to her senses and sitting back down.   
  
He watched her closely, waiting for her to become once again seated before sitting down himself. He sat, outreaching a hand.  
  
Susan Lewis. He shook her hand tightly, almost as if greeting an old friend. She looked at him again closely, almost recognising him. She shook off the feeling of deja vu, smiling once more at the relative stranger.  
  
Ben Reynolds, pleased to meet you Miss Lewis. She smiled.  
  
Actually it's doctor. He nodded, looking slightly impressed.  
  
Wow, my mistake, I should know one of my own kind. So you from Chicago? She nodded. Me too. Where do you work?  
  
County Cook General.  
  
You're kidding, right?  
  
*******


	37. The Eyes That Rest Upon

Hey guys! I know that this has been a really, really, really long time coming but thank you so much for all your patience. I've just been so busy lately and things have gotten a little crazy! However this story is still something that I love to write and I'm hoping that you enjoy reading! So for the moment at least, I'm going to continue.   
  
Please, as always, read and **REVIEW!  
  
  
Chapter 37: The Eyes That Rest Upon**  
  
  
The paper felt rough against his skin. It made him itchy, it made him uncomfortably, most of all it made him uneasy. The eyes that rest upon him made him sigh. Made him ask questions. Made him wonder if he could have done a better job.  
  
A better job of what? Keeping her here? Making her happy? A better job of stopping her getting raped? Or simply a better job or supporting her, being there when she needed someone. A better job of listening to her. As he once again looked across at Luka he was forced to shake his head minutely. He couldn't kid anyone, least himself. He couldn't have done a better job than the man sitting here in front of him. The man sat, his head buried deeply in his hands, with a tear rolling steadily down his cheek.  
  
Carter moved his eyes to focus on the piece of paper that remained tucked into his palm, his thumb gently rested over it. The ink was slightly blurred on one side and Carter wondered if the tears belonged to Luka or Susan.   
  
The rest of the note was perfectly written, her writing as slanted and wavy as ever. The words stared up at him, the words crisp and echoing. The black ink stood out brightly against the contrast of the crisp white paper, the letters jumping from the page.  
  
She's just upset. Carter blurted the words out in a large mass, the sentence crushing together in a large block of sounds, unclear and messy. Her hormones, y'know- being pregnant and everything.   
  
We had a fight. Carter flinched.  
  
What is wrong with you americans? I don't mean I beat her up Carter, if that's what you're thinking. He sighed as Carter began to start some apology. Luka shook his head, hushing Carter. We had a fight because I told her that he wasn't a good guy. I told her he was a bastead but she stood up for him. Sometimes I just don't get her, sometimes she is so hard to understand. Luka sighed heavily, throwing his head back. And all the time I think that I'm not good enough for her.   
  
He looked up at Carter. Susan is amazing but she loves you, she really loves you. You just have to let her go and do this. If this is the way she has to say good bye- then let her.  
  
I thought she already said good bye.  
  
Maybe that wasn't enough, maybe she needs closure.  
  
From what? From the guy that raped her. He shrugged. I guess I just don't understand it.  
  
When, when I was attacked. Carter sighed, looking to his hands and then out of the window for a moment, before turning to face Luka, his head a mass with thoughts. He wondered if this was right, if he wanted to tell this story all over again. I was scared. Scared for the longest time. I was scared of it happening again, but it was more than that, it was more that I was scared that someone, a person, a person just the same as me, that they could make me feel so scared. I was terrified he woiukld come back, that he could make me feel that petrified and sickened and upset ever again. Carter looked to his feet.  
  
And now? Luka's voice shattered his thoughts, making his look up once more, making him continue with his speech.  
  
When I saw him again. Something changed. He was normal and happy and he didn't scare me anymore. It was exactly the opposite, I scared him.  
  
Did it make you angry.  
  
What? That he was happy? Luka nodded. No, I pitied him. Sure he had a family, a job, a normal life. But he has the memories, the guilt and the pain of knowing what he did to a person. Seeing him gave me closure, it ended it, finished it all. I think Susan needs that.  
  
Should I go and find her? Carter shrugged.  
  
Carter looked down at his watch before adding, Maybe she has to do this on her own, Luka. He nodded, running a hand through his hair.  
  
I guess if she needed me with her she would have asked. Carter nodded, glancing at his watch again.  
  
I'm sorry- I have to go. Luka nodded. I'll see myself out. He nodded again, looking up at Carter from underneath his frown.  
  
Thanks Carter. Luka watched as he walked to the door, suddenly standing up as Carter reached it. He turned.  
  
  
  
Why did you come?  
  
Carter shifted from one foot to another, suddenly even more aware of the box in his hand than he had been before.   
  
I mean, I'm glad you came but why? Carter looked at his feet, praying to inspiration.  
  
I, uh, just came to speak to Susan. Luka still looked curious. About Abby. Carter blurted it out before he even realised he was speaking but it seemed to please Luka and he smiled slightly, letting out a small laugh as he raised a hand to wave good bye.  
  
Ah, sorry she couldn't be here. Carter, sighed with relief, nodding his head over enthusiastically.  
  
It's fine, I'm sure I will figure it out on my own. Luka smiled again, watching Carter as he turned for the door.  
  
Have a goodnight and thanks, I know it must have been hard. Carter nodded.  
  
  
  
***************  
  
Hey, let me get that for you. Susan smiled, watching as the young man reached up, taking her bag gently in his hands and slinging it over his shoulder.  
  
Oh, I can carry it. He shook his head.   
  
Nope I insist, let me carry it for you- at least off the aeroplane. Susan started to protest. Don't worry- I won't steal it. She let out a laugh, shrugging her shoulders and smiling broadly. She watched as he smiled back at her, exposing the rows of perfect white teeth. He was dark skinned and good looking, with dark eyes and a shaven head. He was dressed smartly, wearing a black suit and white shirt, open at the collar and without a tie. They had spent the flight chatting non stop and the time had passed quickly. It had emerged that he was a doctor also and had recently applied for a job at County, somewhere in paediatrics.   
  
A breeze hit her as she reached the exit and took a deep breath, she was relieved to be back on flat land but slightly nervous at the prospect at walking down the plane steps. It had always been the part she hated most about planes. Except for the bit where she was in the air obviously!  
  
He must have sensed her fear because a large dark skinned hand shot back and grabbed her own, leading her down the steps carefully. When hey reached the end of the staircase he looked back, smiling broadly and letting out a laugh, his hand still clasping hers tightly.   
  
Thank you. Her voice was quiet and barely audible against the brash noise of the aircraft behind them. He nodded, slowly letting go of her hand and nodding his head in the direction of the airport.  
  
*****************  



	38. Tears Fall Freely

_Formally this chapter was two different chapters, Crushed Velvet and The Second, however they were so short and it has been so long since I updated that I decided just to put them together and renamed it Tears Fall Freely' which is actually a title I really like. Once more, I apologise for the delay in getting this up, it's been written for a long time now, fanfic.net (as always) has been playing up and it is so disheartening when you cannot post a chapter immediately. The Lusan vibes seem to be wearing away a little, at forums4fans at least, so I would appreciate as many reviews as possible, as always, and hope that this increases the Lusan lurvin a little!  
  
This is for _Vincenza, Maddie, Jasna, Norla, daydreamer_and all the other lusans that I have forgotten to mention! You guys are the reason I write this story and I feel bad for not contributing as much as I could, keep up the support it is appreciated so much.  
  
As always, please Read and _**Review!  
**  
**************  
  
  
**Chapter 38: Tears Fall Freely**  
  
Carter stood, perfectly still, the wind hitting his face hard. It was hot though and the wind gave him a slight relief that he was grateful for. He pulled at his shirt, it was sticky and at the current moment stuck to his sweaty body.   
  
All around his all he could hear was noise, a huge jumble of various noises and voices. None were recognisable and no conversation interested. So instead he stood, perfectly still, his face expressionless.  
  
The box remained in his hand- as it had done for the past few hours. The velvet scratched at him gently, it was no longer as soft as it had once been but he didn't care- he had barely even noticed. It was still there, still crushed between his palm and his fingers. And at that precise moment in time- that was all that mattered.   
  
He heard the door swish open once again. He stood still for a moment longer, too fatigued to turn. The noise still hammered into his eardrums, a gathering of congo dancing all chanting and beating their drums simultaneously. His head ached and so too did his heart. Just when he thought he couldn't wait a second longer, not even a single second. He stumbled upon the oasis.  
  
A laugh echoed out above the crowds, raising high above them and silencing them all. He recognised that laugh, and suddenly he couldn't turn quickly enough.  
  
*************  
  
She smiled as Ben pulled the bag from his shoulder, passing it to. She thanked him, smiling broadly at him as she did so. For a moment there was an awkward pause, as both parties wondered what to do.   
  
Ben reached into his pocket rummaging around for a moment before pulling out a pen and taking off the lid. He smiled at Susan, taking her hand and scribbling on it quickly. She looked down, laughing as she spotted the number and the words call me!' scribbled across it.  
  
You promise? She nodded.  
  
Sure- who knows- I might even see you at work sometime! He laughed.  
  
She smiled briefly, feeling a little awkward. Suddenly she felt his moist lips against her cheek, brushing it gently before pulling away. She could feel her cheek warming as she began to blush furiously. I guess I'll see you around sometime. She nodded, smiling again as she watched him signal towards the exit cooly, smiling warmly as he did so.  
  
Have fun. He nodded.  
  
I'll try. picked up his case. I don't think I could ever have _fun _with my family. She smiled once more.  
  
I know the feeling. A breeze hit her face, cooling it slightly as she waved, watching as Ben headed towards the door, continuously looking back at her to give small grins and loose waves. She smiled to herself as the doors closed behind him, her eyes fixed on the number printed across her hand.  
  
Bye Ben. Susan signed, looking across to her watch and realising she should be going. She looked up, wondering which way she had to exit- it had been a while since she had been here. Finally her eyes landed on the sign she required and she turned, eager to get moving.  
  
Suddenly she saw something that shocked her, something that was the last thing she ever expected to see.   
  
*******************  
  
Abby rubbed her eyes sleepily, praying the ringing she could clearly hear resounding through her ears was simply a figment of her sleep deprived imagination. Perhaps she was dreaming? She could only hope.   
  
The phone rang again, once more interrupting her light slumber, forcing her body to shudder and her mouth to let out a restless groan of injustice. Today was her day off, yet she knew exactly who would be on the other end of the phone. The ER- wasn't it always the ER? She opened her eyes briefly, glancing over at the clock and realising it was just gone eight. She groaned once more, rolling over closing her eyes and letting the answer phone click in.  
  
**********************  
  
  
Her voice had become deeper, her tone indecisive. It was unsure, wary, perhaps embarrassed, perhaps annoyed. Carter couldn't yet gauge her reaction and he was under the impression she couldn't quite work out his either. She seemed confused, but he was confused also. He couldn't understand his reasons and yet at the same time they were crystal clear. He wanted her, he needed her and more importantly, right this moment, she needed him.   
  
He knew that wasn't _exactly _true. After all, Susan wasn't craving him as such, just some help. A little love and a little understanding- he had plenty of that to give. It made sense, at least it had a few hours ago when he had stepped onto the plane.   
  
Her voice had become more questioning this time, yet it still couldn't quite awakened him from the daze he had become seemingly trapped in. Her hair blew softly in the wind as she slowly walked towards him, eyeing him up strangely. Today something was different, something was oddly unusual, something had changed. It was remarkable was unease could do to a person. Susan and him had been friends a long time, they had dated for heavens sake, yet at this particular moment it was as if they were almost strangers, as if she didn't trust him at all. It dawned upon him that she probably didn't trust any men these days, especially not the ones she had dated.  
  
She looked beautiful, her hair shiny and her skin tanned. He watched her green eyes sparkle as she frowned, her mouth puckered gently. He tried to smile, yet he found his facial muscles unwilling to co-operate. His cheeks blushed a vivid red and his eye stung brutally, water beginning to fill them.  
  
Oh, Carter. The voice had become softer and comforting. As were the hands that surrounded him and the body that pressed against his own as the tears fell freely. He had no idea what provoked them, or why they fell at this moment in time. But they did, and so he let them.  
  
In that moment, things changed once more. They grew back to the way things were, if only for a second. However, that second would be one he remembered forever. The second in which the world rushed by and people went past, a mass of sound and flashes of colour and light. The second in which he stood still, very still. The second in which he was held in the arms of the woman he loved.   
  
The second in which the world rushed by and people went past, a mass of sound and flashes of colour and light, in which he stood still, very still and was held in the arms of the woman he loved.   
  
The second in which no questions were asked, because no answers were needed.  
  
**************  
  
Abby lay awake, listening to the voice that came through her answering machine. Booming into her apartment and sending shivers quickly down her spine, keeping her wide awake and stopping her from falling back asleep.   
  
She had worked with people who were suffering every day of her life. She grew up with someone who suffered every day of their life and in away she could argued she too had suffered. Yet the voice that rang through her apartment that day oozed pain like she had never heard before, not even from him. It was a raw pain, an open wound. The pain gleamed through in every word, every sound, every breath. It screeched into her ears, so loud she struggled to keep the tears from piercing her own eyes. So loud she almost forgot she was trying to listen to a message.  
  
_I need a favour._  
  
Abby darted out of the bed, tripping over as she did so. She cursed loudly, continuing to run towards the phone. She grabbed it, snatching it as quickly as she could manage and practically shouting breathlessly into it.  
  
She waited, praying he was still there. She didn't know what this favour was, all she knew is that whatever it was she would do it, she had to do it. Luka are you there?  
  
I need your help. She nodded realising full well he couldn't see her.  
  
What do you want me to do?  
  
*****************


	39. Because I Think You Could Do With a Coff...

I promised, and I keep my promises...  
  
For anyone that ever just wanted a coffee... and someone to drink it with.   
  
  
******************  
**  
  
Chapter 39: Because I think you could do with a coffee  
  
**  
  
Carter, why are you here? Carter pulled away slightly, just enough to be able to look her in the eye, whilst keeping hold of her firmly in his arms. Her face was curious, her features blended in a mixture of confusion and concern. He realised how unhappy she looked, as though she could burst into tears at any moment.  
  
Her voice was softer, even more caring, even more concerned than before. Yet he wanted to put off answering the question for as long as possible. But as a smile crept across her face and she moved a hand to wave it in front of her eyes, he realised he couldn't put it off any longer.   
  
But what to say? He needed an answer- for himself as much as her. Why _was _he here? The truth was that he just didn't know, but that didn't help him at the moment. She needed an answer, one that was simple and uncomplicated and the _truth.  
  
_I heard this airport does great coffee. Susan's eyes followed Carter's outstretched hand, finding themselves planted on a practically empty starbucks. And because I think you could do with a coffee. She smiled, nodding softly.   
  
*****************  
  
Luka- you are crazy. He smiled, nodding as the car came to an abrupt halt outside the airport. He looked over at Abby, her arm hung out of the car window, her hand containing a lit cigarette. She puffed at it frequently, in between running the free hand through her hair quickly, pushing fallen strands behind her ear.   
  
You'll need this. He passed her a scrap of paper. Abby looked down at it- an address written in a familiar scrawl across the paper. She nodded, throwing the cigarette into the road.  
  
I'm just supposed to turn up- uninvited? Luka nodded, staring out of the window casually.  
  
I rang his mother, explained I was a friend of his, told her we met when he came to Chicago, I told her about you as well- said you two were close, that you wanted to attend the funeral. Abby shook her head, pulling her hair back over her shoulders and groaning.  
  
I still don't understand why you can't go. Luka turned to face her, his midnight blue eyes piercing into her mind, shaking her softly.  
  
Because I can't. He looked away again, before continuing. She needs someone, whether she admits to it or not. I want her to have someone there to support her but me being there will cause too many problems- there will be too many questions. Abby nodded.  
  
You want me to tell her anything? Luka nodded.  
  
Tell her that I love her. Abby smiled.  
  
I think she already knows that. Luka shook his head, running a hand roughly through his hair.  
  
I'm not so sure.  
  
**********************  
  
So are you going to tell me the real reason that you're here yet? Susan took a sip of her latte, her eyes not moving from Carter. He took a gulp of his expresso, swallowing it quickly and then letting out a gentle sigh.  
  
I would if I could. A puzzled look crossed Susan's face as she watched Carter stare down at his lap. Him turning up here had been unexpected to say the least. She wasn't sure why he was here but it didn't seem as if he knew either. In all honestly she was glad of the company, she needed a friend at the moment. I'm not sure why I'm here.   
  
It's okay, I'm kinda glad you are. Susan smiled, blushing slightly as he placed a hand across her stomach, feeling the tears well up in her eyes as she did so. Me and Luka...  
  
I saw him. Carter blurted it out before he could stop himself. He caught her attention immediately and she looked up, catching his eye with a meaningful glance.  
  
Is he okay. A small smile crossed Carter's face as he nodded, staring into her glistening green eyes.  
  
He was worried about you. She nodded, biting her bottom lip. You just left.  
  
I didn't know what else to do. She shrugged, bringing her hands to her face and covering it, closing her eyes as she did so.  
  
So you ran? Susan looked up quickly, caught offguard by Carter's sudden comment. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. She shook her head.  
  
No, its okay. It's true- I ran- I'm running. Carter heard her sigh once more, before continuing, her voice quieter and almost painful. I always run.  
  
  
  
I guess coming back here brings back the memories. The last time I came here from Chicago was when I was running from him.   
  
I don't think you can call this running. I call this facing up to things. Susan nodded.  
  
I hope so, for my sake, for Luka's sake and for most importantly this baby's sake.  
  
Who was the guy?   
  
  
  
The guy you came off the plane with- someone you know?   
  
Oh, no- not really. I met him on the plane. Susan let out a small laugh. He kinda- caught me! A puzzled look placed itself upon Carter's face, causing Susan to laugh once more.  
  
I won't ask. She smiled, nodding.  
  
Probably better if you don't. She took another sip of her coffee, a question becoming apparent to her. How long are you going to stay for? Carter shrugged, he hadn't really even thought about that himself yet.  
  
As long as you do I guess. Jesus, I didn't even think about it- I haven't even booked into a hotel.  
  
Carter this is Phoenix I think you mean _motel. _Carter smiled.   
  
Whatever- I haven't got a room anywhere. What about you? Susan shrugged, raising her hands.  
  
Haven't got a clue, I left in a bit of a rush too, a place to sleep was the last thing on my mind. She let out a yawn, raising a hand to her mouth to cover it quickly.  
  
She nodded.  
  
I didn't exactly get a good nights sleep last night. Carter nodded in the direction of the door.  
  
Let's go- I'm sure there is a place somewhere around here and you look exhausted. Susan smiled, grateful for his presence.  
  
****************


	40. As Darkness Descends

Hello! I am so very glad that I am able to post this to you all, I actually was having doubts about whether another chapter of May Change would ever be posted. I have to thank everyone who told me to keep going, everyone who told me it was okay and to everyone that told me how much they enjoyed my fanfic. However, it has to be said, the biggest thanks of all must go to Jasna and her **wonderful** father. Not many people would go out of their way to help someone, spending a lot of their own time recovring a file. I am so very grateful. Not only that but she had the willpower and the decency to wait, to not read ahead. I find that completely amazng. Today, I am in complete awe of Jasna!  
  
Well, I guess this chapter is dedicated to her, enjoy it!  
  
And, as always, please read and **review!**  
  
*******************  
  
Chapter 40: As Darkness Descends**  
  
The darkness descended around him like a blanket. His mind had become  
clouded and he felt like he was numb from head to toe. He felt nothing,  
almost as if all his senses had diminished completely, leaving him with  
nothing but a single photograph of her face in his mind. In the picture her  
laugh resounded through the silence, her hair blew carelessly in the wind- a  
mass of shimmering blonde. Her eyes sparkled an even more vivid green than  
normal and her stomach had become larger, a small bump beginning to show  
where his unborn child lay. His own stomach whirled in knots, spinning and  
twisting over and over, never stopping for a moment as he thought of her.  
  
His mind ticked, thumping along steadily with the pounding of his heart.  
They chimed in unison, a beat and a pound, together perfectly in sync. He  
couldn't remember if his eyes were open or shut- he didn't care to. All he  
knew was that he was lying down and alone- horribly alone. With her picture  
resounding through his mind. He had spent the day like this, since he had  
watched Abby get out of the car, since he had returned home. He had missed  
work but that didn't matter, the phone had been taken off the hook and  
Weaver hadn't called round at the apartment yet.  
  
An ache fell over his head once more, as his body began to seemingly  
defrost. He suddenly felt violently sick, as if doing a loop in a  
roller coaster. His eyes stung painfully as he tried to close them, water  
seeping out from behind his eyelids and slipping silently down his face. He  
tried to breathe but his chest felt as if it had been squashed down hard, he  
gasped, trying to draw in oxygen. He sat up, feeling himself beginning to  
sob. He rocked backwards and forwards, curling his knees up to his chest as  
he tried to support himself. He wished she was here so much it physically  
hurt, fears flew through his mind about her safety, wondering where she was  
and not being able to help but think of all the hideous things that could be  
happening to her.  
  
He stood, walking towards the kitchen and reaching it finally. Taking a  
glass he flicked on the tap, filling it to the top before taking a deep gulp  
of water. The water filled his mouth, the bitter coldness of it setting his  
teeth on edge as he drank. It gushed down his throat, settling itself into  
his ever churning stomach.  
  
The kitchen was dark but he knew his way around well enough to find the  
photograph frame he was looking for. The cold metal felt harsh against his  
warm skin, but he clutched it tightly regardless, trying to make out the  
image inside. His smile was genuine and wide, as was hers. His arm was  
clutched around her considerably smaller body, holding it tightly, as if  
never wanting to let it slip away. He remembered the day it was taken, only  
a few months after they had started dating, the honeymoon period he  
supossed. He placed it back on the surface, feeling his chest beginning to  
tighten once again.  
  
Suddenly his legs became weary. His knees drooped, becoming tired and unable to support his heavy body. He slumped to the floor, his body shaking  
violently as the tears overtook it, he wheezed noisily, gasping for air  
viscously. Eventually it slowed as he managed to get a grip of himself.  
Slowly and shakily Luka rose once again to his feet. He ran a single hand  
through his messy hair, pushing it back off his sweaty forehead.  
  
************************  
  
His hand knocked nosily against the wooden door, causing Susan to jump. She  
smiled to herself, getting up from her resting place on the bed and heading  
for the door, tightening her robe as she reached it. She opened it almost  
fully, smiling at the man in front of her.  
  
Carter clutched take-out boxes in both hands and he entered the room  
swiftly, as Susan held open the door. He placed the cartons on the  
unbalanced wooden table, pulling out a chair for Susan to sit down on before  
sitting down himself.  
  
"Wow, that smells good." Carter smirked as she began to tuck into the food.  
  
"I forget- you're eating for two now." Susan smiled, taking a mouthful of  
kung pow chicken and nodding in agreement. Carter watched as she wiped her  
mouth with a napkin.  
  
"I'm hungry all the time. It will be a relief when I actually get a bit more  
of a bump and people can tell I'm pregnant- people give me the strangest  
looks in food stores." Carter let out a laugh, himself taking a bite from a  
prawn cracker. "I still can't believe I'm actually having a baby, I don't  
think it has quite sunk in just yet."  
  
"Yeah, you a mom..." Susan smiled, shrugging.  
  
"I just don't know what kind of a situation I'm bringing this baby into at  
the moment, things just seem so difficult."  
  
"They will get easier. I promise." Susan smiled, taking Carter's hand gently  
in her.  
  
"Thank you for being here, I have no idea why you are but I appreciate it- I  
really do."   
  
"It's okay, you need me and so I'm here." Carter smiled, squeezing Susan's  
hand gently as he got up. "I think this is goodnight, it's getting late."  
Susan nodded wearily, hoisting herself up and heading towards the bed.  
  
"Night Carter."  
  
"Goodnight Susan." And with that he left the room, looking back only once  
over his shoulder to watch her rub her eyes wearily before he closed the door.  
  
***************


	41. Can't Smile Without You

_**Authors Note**: So I'm back. Took me a while I know but I'm here and it's back; Chapter 41. I'm not sure how far I'm going to go with May Change this time around- maybe 50 would be a nice even number? Thank you for everyone that has spent the time to read it and especially those that have taken the time to review, it's always nice to hear your thoughts and comments. Enjoy it and keep reading!_

__

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**Chapter 41: Can't Smile Without You**  
  
Carefully she brushed out a crease in her black dress, placing her other hand over her stomach as she did so. She smiled, tracing her fingers in circles over where her baby lies. She imagined him or her, curled up in a tiny ball, warm and protected inside of her. She shook her head, saddened by the fact that her baby would ever have to come into this world; this terrible, horrifying world.  
  
In the background she heard the radio come on automatically. She still hadn't figured out how to work the damn thing and for the past hour and a half it had been turning itself on and off periodically.**_You know I can't smile without you  
  
I can't smile without you  
  
I can't laugh and I can't sing  
  
I'm findin' it hard to do anything_****__**   
  
She smiled slightly, remembering the time her and Luka had danced to this song at the Carter annual ball. She loved this song, this version anyway- the Lena Fiagbe one. She hated the Barry Mannilow one.**_You see I feel sad when you're sad  
  
I feel glad when you're glad  
  
If you only knew what I'm goin' through  
  
I just can't smile without you_**She missed him. More than she though that she would, more than she had ever missed anyone ever before. She wanted him to be here with her now, wrapping his arms around her and stroking her belly and telling her that her loved her; she wanted him to be here and telling her that it was all going to be okay. He wasn't here and that was her fault. Yet again she had pushed him away._**You came along just like a song  
  
And brightened my day  
  
Who'da believed that you were part of a dream?  
  
Now it all seems light years away  
**_A part of Susan always wondered what their relationship would have been like without all the complications. In her own perfect world where there wasn't an Abby or even a Carter, where there certainly wasn't a Dix. She wanted a world where the two of them were left alone._**And now you know I can't smile without you  
  
I can't smile without you  
  
I can't laugh and I can't sing  
  
I'm findin' it hard to do anything**_**__**   
  
Susan wanted her and Luka to be given a shot for once, to be given a chance. She didn't want ghosts, no Danijela or Mark. She didn't want past lovers or spouses or children. She wanted clean, fresh, and simple. She knew that would never have worked. She didn't want herself to wish away all these people that meant so much but she couldn't help it, everything was just too much like hard work with her and Luka.**_You see, I feel sad when you're sad  
  
I feel glad when you're glad  
  
If you only knew what I'm goin' through  
  
I just can't smile without you_****__**   
  
She missed his smile most. His smile could warm her on the worst of days. The sky could fall in and a smile from Luka could make it all better. There was something so genuine about it, so real. It didn't have false intentions and it was pretending to be something it wasn't. It was a smile. It didn't claim to be anything better or worse, just that. It was honest._**Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find  
  
Well I'm finding it hard leavin' your love behind me**_**__**   
  
She shouldn't have left. She was angry and upset and so she ran. Susan Lewis, runs when things get tough. She expected that would most probably be engraved on her grave stone. She ran away from Mark and she spent the rest of her life regretting it. Now she was making the same mistake all over again.**_And you see I can't smile without you  
  
I can't smile without you  
  
I can't laugh and I can't sing  
  
I'm findin' it hard to do anything_****__**   
  
There was a knock on her door, breaking her from her trance. Outside stood Carter, dressed smartly in a black suit. He smiled as she stood back, letting him in. Turning away from him for a moment to compose herself, and to stop the tear that was so determined to leak from her eye succeeding, she noticed the song was coming to the end. She listened as the final verse came to an end._**You see I feel glad when you're glad  
  
I feel sad when you're sad  
  
If you only knew what I'm goin' through  
  
I just can't smile without you...**_The radio cut out once again and she let out a partial laugh. Typical.  
  
"Ready?" She turned to Carter again, having almost forgotten he was there altogether.  
  
"As I'll ever be." Carter smiled, wrapping an arm around her shoulder protectively. "I got you something." Susan looked up at him, slightly bemused as he placed a small blue box in her palm. She snapped open the box, to be faced with an engagement ring. An engagement ring with a rather large diamond.

* * *

Abby paced around outside of the church. The sun beat down on her from the spotless blue sky. She shook her head, pulling her dark glassed back over her eyes. She was early but she had no where else to go.  
  
A part of her couldn't believe that she was really here at all. For Luka. Why on earth was she putting herself on the line again for Luka? She knew how this was going to end. Her heart was going to get broken all over again. He had already snapped it into a thousand pieces and now she was going to grind them to dust.  
  
For a moment when he called a spark of hope had ignited inside of Abby- maybe a tiny flicker of it was still there deep inside of her somewhere. The idea that Susan and Luka had had a fight, that maybe she had a chance again. In reality she knew that would never happen. The very fact that Luka had sent Abby here told her all she needed to know. He loved Susan.  
  
She looked up at the church, slightly amused by the fact that it was so beautiful. Charlie Dixon, he certainly didn't deserve beautiful. She wondered if his family knew what he was really like, about the rape. She doubted it. She knew Susan too well. Susan would protect this jerk to his mother forever. She would pretend that it was a terrible tragedy, an awful shame that she was gutted over. She would probably even pretend that this guy was the love of her life, that she loved him until his death. She would do all that to protect his family from getting hurt. She would do all that because Susan was a nice person. Susan was a nice person and that's why she got to have Luka.

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